Fic: Light Up Again (Arthur/Merlin)
Title: Light Up Again
Author: bleedforyou1
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin (Merlin BBC)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Merlin goes through a particularly damaging loss, Arthur tries to figure out how to help.
Word count: 2152
Contains (highlight to read): Character death (not Merlin or Arthur)
Note: Based on this song. Please listen to/read the lyrics, it's a fabulous song :)
Arthur didn’t know what to do; what to say. Dawn was just now breaking in the sky through a heavy rush of clouds and sunlight spilled into the room from the curtains that no one had remembered to close the night before. He was lying there, head resting on his elbow and staring down at Merlin, who was curled up with his back to Arthur’s chest, and was just then blinking his eyes open, barely waking. Their legs were tangled together and Arthur lost his breath as Merlin opened his eyes fully, and they were red-rimmed and still puffy from the night before.
“He’s gone!” Merlin sobbed openly, running into Arthur’s chambers in the middle of the night. Arthur sat up in bed, immediately awake and he pulled Merlin close, wrapping him up under the covers and in his arms, holding him as the normally cheerful and bright man shook to pieces. “He was like my father... he was-- Arthur, gods, Arthur I can’t believe he’s gone...”
Arthur himself had cried a lot too the night before-- Gaius was his oldest friend. Had been his teacher and physician since longer than Arthur could remember. He was a trusted advisor and he loved Arthur too. When Gaius had started to get sick, he had waved all the other visiting physicians away, wouldn’t let anyone use their magic on him, just wanted to spend his last night with Merlin, until he could pass on.
“Merlin?” Arthur whispered softly, feeling his voice break through the silence of the room in the early morning.
Merlin was even more silent and he rose from the bed, detangling himself from the bedsheets and from Arthur. He walked out of the room without a word and Arthur sat there, in confusion, grief and a desperate need to hold Merlin, but he was gone...
*
The castle was quiet, the world taking a deep, agonizing sigh as many of Gaius’ friends came to pay their respects and the memorial was held. Arthur, as the King, said many words of loss, all from his own heart, and ladies from all around the castle, including Morgana and Gwen, made several wreaths of flowers to put into Gaius’ fire. Everyone wept at the ceremony, but Merlin was nowhere to be seen. Arthur knew he was there, knew he was sitting in the battlements, watching from above, distancing himself from the only father he ever really got to spend time with.
For the next few days, Arthur never saw Merlin. He wasn’t ever skipping to and from the kitchens, outside the stables, cleaning and laughing in Arthur’s rooms... he wasn’t anywhere, but he was everywhere. Arthur felt the lack of his presence more so than even Gaius’. Arthur took his own grieving time, as he had with his own father, by working harder in the court rooms. By going on more patrols, by looking everywhere for Merlin.
But the man was not found. He cleaned and cooked for Arthur-- the food was always fresh on his table and his rooms were pristine, however, Merlin was not telling him some stupid joke at dinner or whispering about their destiny in between Arthur’s sheets. He wasn’t there to help bandage Arthur’s hand when he cut his skin on his sword accidentally, but there was a bottle of salve and a new set of bandages at his bedside the next morning.
The knights were getting restless as well. They missed their friend, their other companion. Gwaine and Lancelot especially were close to Merlin, and could never talk to him, even if they did manage to track him down. There was a stilted silence among Arthur’s men. Merlin had become such an integral part of their group, as if he were the core that was keeping them all together. Arthur and Lancelot may have been the only ones to know about Merlin’s magic, as Merlin was wary of telling others yet, but he knew that everyone could feel the loss of power amongst them.
*
Two weeks after Gaius’ passing, Arthur finally found Merlin, sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Arthur’s fireplace, stoking the fire to help the chilly room. In surprise, Arthur dropped the roll of parchment he was carrying and Merlin turned to look at him. Arthur inwardly cringed at the dead look in Merlin’s eyes, as if all the light from his bright eyes had vanished, snuffed out like a candle.
“Merlin...” Arthur said softly, forgetting the paperwork and going over to kneel next to him. He reached out to touch Merlin’s arm and Merlin didn’t even flinch-- didn’t even seem to notice as he stared into the fire. “Where have you been? Why haven’t you talked to anyone? I’ve been...” Arthur swallows, his voice suddenly tight. “I’ve missed you.”
Merlin’s normally open face, usually smiling and free, was closed off as he turned to look at Arthur, shrugging slightly. This was the first time Arthur had been more open than Merlin, and he sat down next to him, trying to make him look at him. Merlin was always following Arthur, with his eyes, with his body, with his heart, his soul... and Arthur never realized how much he needed that. He needed Merlin to follow him almost as much as he needed to follow Merlin. Arthur was lost now, because Merlin was no longer there.
There was one touch-- just one time, when Merlin stroked the cut on Arthur’s hand; a fading scar now, and then pulled back. After a few more moments, Merlin sighed softly and stood, getting Arthur’s chambers ready for the night and slipping out, not glancing at Arthur on his way out. Arthur was left, again, helpless.
*
Every night, after that, Merlin would come in for brief seconds in Arthur’s day, touch his face, or his hand, a mere brush of fingers, and leave again. Arthur would try to talk to him, but he was never as good with words as Merlin was. He never knew what to say, what words would make things alright again. Merlin was the one who was broken this time and Arthur didn’t know how to fix him.
In a last desperate attempt, Arthur sent Percival and Elyan out to get Hunith, to bring her things and invite her to stay with Merlin. She came in, windswept, into Arthur’s counsel room a few mornings later.
“Where is he?” She asked, eyes darting, Arthur knew, for her son.
Arthur swallowed. “I have no idea.”
She nodded, watching him for a moment before leaving the room, presumably to hunt him down for herself. Arthur could only guess she found him, because when he entered his bedchamber later that night, he found Merlin sitting on his bed, stitching up one of Arthur’s recently torn shirts.
“Merlin, you don’t have to do that,” Arthur tried to say, but Merlin ignored him and patted the spot next to him on the bed. Arthur hesitated for a moment before taking off his shoes and sitting next to Merlin quietly. They sat in silence for a long time, Arthur watching Merlin’s fingers work and Merlin concentrating on the task at hand.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur said after a while. He was so used to Merlin being the one that talked. That was just how it was. Merlin was the talker, Arthur was the quiet one. Merlin had huge rambling conversations about court gossip while Arthur sat and watched Merlin’s face light up when he mentioned something funny Gwaine had said or something sweet that Gwen had done.
Merlin said nothing but he did pause in his needlework for a moment and that gave Arthur some encouragement to keep speaking. “I don’t know what to say. But I thought maybe your mum would help a bit. I’m sure she knows what to say, what to do for you. I have no idea. I just...”
Merlin nodded and went back to sewing, finishing up and sitting there in silence.
“Merlin,” Arthur said, his voice on the edge of desperation, he knew, but he didn’t give a care. Merlin turned to him and looked at him, his eyes soft and dark with sadness. “Merlin, remember when my father died and you told me even the stars refuse to shine some nights? You said that when our loved ones left us, they’d never really leave because they were always watching over us?”
Merlin sighed and closed his eyes, his hand reaching out slowly for Arthur’s. Arthur grasped it and leaned down to press a kiss on his wrist. “I’m sorry he’s gone. I am. I just... It scares me when you won’t talk. No one in the castle has heard your voice for weeks, and I’m-- I’m not-- I can’t handle that.”
There was a long pause and Merlin finally opened his eyes, and leaned in to kiss Arthur softly. Arthur kissed back, trying not to push, trying to keep himself calm and not drown in the feeling of having Merlin close again. Of having his love, his life back with him for these brief few moments and then Merlin pulled away again.
Arthur’s eyes remained closed even as Merlin left the room, closing the door shut behind him.
*
It took another week after that to get Merlin to stay the night. He was silent, still, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling as Arthur lied next to him, staring at his face in the moonlight. Merlin in moonlight was a sight to behold-- like a shattered piece of glass, beautiful and ethereal, as if touching his beauty would slice your skin.
Arthur told Merlin all about his day, getting nods and small sighs in return, no words. Merlin would lean over and press a small kiss to his forehead before turning over, allowing Arthur to hold him.
Whispering affections and love into Merlin’s neck, Arthur tried to fall asleep. There was never more fear in Arthur’s heart than when Merlin fell asleep without saying he loved Arthur back.
*
It happened a month later, when the knights were all gathered in the forest one night, dark and damp from the raining earlier, surrounded by a small fire. Merlin was there with them this time, at Arthur’s insistence. The knights were under strict orders not to push him to speak, and they all gave him a respectable distance, even Gwaine.
Merlin was sitting against a tree, carving something into a piece of wood and Arthur sat next to him, telling him a story about when Morgana had stolen his wooden soldiers and in retaliation, he took her favorite dress. Merlin would lean against him and his lips would twitch slightly when Arthur told him these stories, so Arthur took it as a good sign and kept them going.
“I remember the first time I met you, Merlin,” Arthur said softly, chuckling as he pressed his fingers on Merlin’s knee. “You make quite the first impression, you know. I can’t believe I ended up falling in love with such an idiot. Going against the Prince like that! It’s a good thing you have me around to keep you from doing ridiculous things like that. Clearly, you should just stay with me all the time.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Arthur dropped the apple he had been holding and turned to Merlin, his jaw slack in surprise. It was the first time Merlin had spoken to him, or anyone else as far as he could tell, in months. “Merlin? Are you..?”
Merlin sighed and gave him a soft, sad smile. “It hurts. To talk. Like there’s a hole in my throat.”
Arthur nodded quickly and blinked at him. “But... but you can still right? You can... Gods, Merlin. I didn’t think I’d ever say this in my life, but your voice is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard--” Arthur’s breath caught.
“Gaius wouldn’t want me to be silent, right?” Merlin said, the smile on his face growing a bit as he leaned in to stroke the side of Arthur’s face. “I’m not okay, but I will be. We’ll be okay.”
Arthur’s whole body relaxed suddenly with a weight he hadn’t known he had for the last few weeks. He picked up Merlin’s hand and kissed his fingertips, feeling his eyes water slightly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you lost him. But I’m sure he’s looking down on us.”
“Mm,” Merlin murmured softly. “The stars are shining again.”
Nodding, Arthur kissed him, not even caring for the tears that fell from his eyes. All the doubt that had filled Arthur’s brain lately drifted away, knowing he and his soulmate would find a way out of this loss together. That he’d never have to be without his Merlin. He pressed his fingertips against Merlin’s neck, wanting his touch to pull the words from Merlin’s lips, but he didn’t push. Merlin had said they’d be okay after all.
The End