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Dec 02, 2008 13:31

Full of emotions. full of thoughts that i can't seem to get past. I wanted to jot down this week and the things that have come along with it so maybe i can put it all together once its down on paper (not literally).

I fell in love with someone who turned out to be something they weren't. Not quite such a surprise for someone like me. My family is cursed with bad luck it seems, and what an inheritance that is, but what we can do is be hopeful for better things. Omar was the first boy i fell for in almost 2 and a half years. Ever since I moved to California i admired him from afar, he was the first real life version of a boy that you always conjure in your head to be "ideal". Unfortunately with approaching him there was a lot at stake. Lets just say I chose him over my best friend. I was so high on his fumes for a good six months. I'm still not quite ready to get into the specifics because, well, i'll always know what he did or didn't do thats going to affect me for quite some time. I hadn't seen him for almost 3 to 4 months now, we never broke up (he'll say we were never together, he was just being nice) but anyways, there he was this week. Twice. At both LA shows of our favorite band. No more than 20 feet away. I didn't look his way, but i knew he was there.

Its not only one of my favorite bands, but his as well.. and something that we discussed, shared, listened to many of a times together. I remember the day their last EP came out i rushed out while he was at work and bought it for him, and surprised him at work with it. Laughing and giggling over their rediculous new remixes and covers of songs on there a few hours later in his car, the way he had taken my hand, how we danced like there was no one else around to see, the timing of our hand claps to the beat. And now, this week, there he was, the same songs playing, and all those memories playing in my head, while he's standing there with his ex. Are people really that pathetic that nothing matters? They can go through actions with people... fooling them so badly? I refuse to believe he didn't/doesn't care. Certain things just can't be faked.

What it really brought about in my mind is how much of a big joke life is. Wasted time (probably my biggest fear)... life is full of wasted time. I have much better control over all that now that i'm older, only you control the amount of drama in your life. Still, 6 months, yes maybe not the longest time, but with me just living out here finally with my best friend, that was six months taken away that I can't change. A time where I could have shaped things in a different way, done things that matter.

Am I too caring? Why do I let things bother me so much. I have huge expectations of people, I think we owe that to ourselves to have those expectations of people.

What goes around comes around? I can only hope...
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