(no subject)
now is a better time than any to update.
11:57. tears form in my eyes because i see things for how they are again. i never thought this quick, this soon. i tried to almost believe that words were true, but my test had taken it's toll and the results are in. it's not like i should care. i have pretended not to. it's not that i care for you, and my thoughts for you (what little ones exist) are in no way a factor of this sudden spark of emotion in which hardly ever occur anymore. stupid shit sets me off, like episodes of the OC, or hell, watching the year without a santa claus. i have been diagnosed with new feelings, new thoughts. as i have grown older this week, i have grown in mind and spirit as well as age.. a certain dependency on myself alone is all i seem to rely on. sure, i have to search for this comfort, and it takes a lot, but now that school is out i can think clearer. i do believe that this holiday will be better for me when it is all over. the true meaning lacks just that, meaning that is. i've received no contact from those i have been sitting awake waiting to hear from... and yea it sucks, but it forms other things for me. i have been alone for longer than i thought now. going on 2 months actually. i do not desire love, i lost my sex drive, and guys and girls (although not so much girls lately) disgust me. it's not that i choose to give up on love, i just don't feel i need to acquire it right now.
this past year has been.. ridiculous.
+date my first (love) boy ever. lose him a few months later. cope. still coping. still loving? and yet, learning.
+come out to my parents.
+begin working at AE.. which has become a life, a career, a family to me. met joanna there... talk about GOOD FUCKING FRIEND.
+leave millersville, along with AMAZING friends, to stay home and go to comm. college so i can move out and get started with my life quicker.
+THINK i meet someone good again, but i'm still weak and can not let this person in. no regrets, other than words that hold obviously no meaning.
+lose my virginity. not to anyone of significance. no fault but my own. i'm dealing... it could have meant more.
i've grown tired of looking back.
and i've grown tired with this day/month/year. bring on the next.
11:57. tears form in my eyes because i see things for how they are again. i never thought this quick, this soon. i tried to almost believe that words were true, but my test had taken it's toll and the results are in. it's not like i should care. i have pretended not to. it's not that i care for you, and my thoughts for you (what little ones exist) are in no way a factor of this sudden spark of emotion in which hardly ever occur anymore. stupid shit sets me off, like episodes of the OC, or hell, watching the year without a santa claus. i have been diagnosed with new feelings, new thoughts. as i have grown older this week, i have grown in mind and spirit as well as age.. a certain dependency on myself alone is all i seem to rely on. sure, i have to search for this comfort, and it takes a lot, but now that school is out i can think clearer. i do believe that this holiday will be better for me when it is all over. the true meaning lacks just that, meaning that is. i've received no contact from those i have been sitting awake waiting to hear from... and yea it sucks, but it forms other things for me. i have been alone for longer than i thought now. going on 2 months actually. i do not desire love, i lost my sex drive, and guys and girls (although not so much girls lately) disgust me. it's not that i choose to give up on love, i just don't feel i need to acquire it right now.
this past year has been.. ridiculous.
+date my first (love) boy ever. lose him a few months later. cope. still coping. still loving? and yet, learning.
+come out to my parents.
+begin working at AE.. which has become a life, a career, a family to me. met joanna there... talk about GOOD FUCKING FRIEND.
+leave millersville, along with AMAZING friends, to stay home and go to comm. college so i can move out and get started with my life quicker.
+THINK i meet someone good again, but i'm still weak and can not let this person in. no regrets, other than words that hold obviously no meaning.
+lose my virginity. not to anyone of significance. no fault but my own. i'm dealing... it could have meant more.
i've grown tired of looking back.
and i've grown tired with this day/month/year. bring on the next.