Escaping the Voids
My goal for this weekend, while Rex is out of town is to try and tackle my voids. - Like he did. He was able to run a 3 day sprint of just diving into one after another and he seems more sound for it.
It is really hard because all of this feels like an alternate reality that only a few people know about so it is hard to stay on track.
Since it is fresh in my mind and still irritating me lets start with what came up yesterday.
I have had a rash between my shoulder blades for over 2 weeks, now going no 3 (maybe 4 since time is so off). It started the day of or the day after Rex had his one night stand. I have been ignoring it as rashes usually go away naturally. But since he did contract an STD and since my rash didn't go away after a few weeks I have become concerned. I started to look it up and the first re-curring option was scabies. When I told him that he said I need to get checked ASAP. Well I wasn't able to set something up until the next day at which point he came to the conclusion it is actually probably just eczema - which is likely, but I made an appointment anyway as he originally suggested. Now right before I said I made the appointment I had run through the finances and showed him I was still about $100 negative and this would be another $30 to add on. He sent me a message saying "debt debt debt. just because you are paranoid about this rash" and I felt guilt ridden for having made the appointment. I DO NOT like being in debt. Fuck if it isn't shit like that that make me feel unworthy to take care of myself so when it is something serious I won't because something this minor gets shamed. It is stupid. I cancelled my appointment. But I am angry. I am upset. I do not like the way I was treated. But I did it to myself. I shouldn't have told him about my financial status. All he needed to know is what bills Lea owes so she can pay them. My doctors appointment is none of his concern, since yes he will make me feel bad about it because my deficit means it has to come out of the savings out and he is going to do whatever it takes to avoid that. Now I am ok with not going to the doctor because, they do little to nothing anyway, but I do want to make sure I am taking care of myself. So if it persists for another month I may consider going in depending no the symptoms. --side note- Re-reading the convo, it seems as though he followed up with the logic of using home remedies for eczema & heat rash and explaining that it would be cheaper than the doctor since I was already in debt.
I need to work on my boundary for privacy. I do not value privacy because I feel like it stops others from communicating properly, but what I am finding at this point, is that there is value in providing limited information. They don't need to know everything and they CAN ask if they want to know more, but I shouldn't dig myself a grave by providing too much information. Like with telling Norma she was being fired because Lori offered me the job. At first I lied to Norma because confrontation is scary, but after Lori left for lunch I went and told Norma the truth, much to my determent at this point. At the time, I felt she had a right to know - Rex told me that I should do what would make me feel best and he thinks I shouldn't have lied. Now he tell me he thinks it was a bad idea and had thought so at the time - I have the written proof that he said to do otherwise and so now I am learning a little more about how he communicates in those types of situations I guess. But the truth is I did what I wanted to despite his "approval" as that was what I was seeking, I was looking for guidance and no matter what he said, even if he change it later, changes the fact that I did what I di and I am responsible for my own actions. He is not to blame in any way, the only reason he is mentioned here is that I know where the potential attempt to blame went and how seeking approval doesn't get the answer I was hoping for. If he truly didn't think I should do it I wish that he would have said that but again, no matter what he said, I was going to do what I wanted to do.- but the bottom line is this:
Boundary 1: Stop over-sharing. Say clearly and concisely what needs to be said, if more information is required, provide it only when asked.
Sex is not something to be ashamed of. I enjoy sex with the right people. I DO NOT enjoy sex with random strangers, there is a lack of connection, passion, and that makes the interaction dull and boring. Both times I had one night stands as it is, I was anxiously waiting for it all to end. I don't want to put myself in those situations again 1. it is dangerous, stds and what not and not knowing the person, what if no is something they just dont listen to. 2. its just not worth it. When it comes to sex I want it to be with someone I consider a friend, that respects me as a person first and then they respect my body in the same fashion. I want to mutually be attracted and not just taking whoever wants me. I am worthy of love and respect and I do deserve it.
Bounday 3: It is ok to say no - follow my instincts.- It is ok to change my mind later, but not out of desperation or feeling like I am missing out on an opportunity. I need to truly want it otherwise it is not worth it.
I have been struggling with the issue that Rex does not consider me his family nor his best friend. He calls me his roommate to people - sometimes homie. It just hurts because to me the label roommate is something pretty low on the totem pole, it doesn't express the in depth relationship we have had for 9 years, that close bond. But then again maybe I am the only that sees the bond. The thing about this life is that all that exists is what I see and how I see it - I can not see what others see or how they feel and there isn't any true way to communicate it at this point either. So here is the deal - I love Rex dearly - I consider him a best friend - I do not want to mis-introduce him as my best friend if he is introducing me to people as roommate. Labels are labels are labels. So overall it doesn't matter how he introduces me, at least he brought me up at all for whatever reason - he didn't used to. The other issue is that being someone I care so deeply about he is still the center of my world and I am afraid of telling him no- I am afraid because then he won't come to me when he needs things. He does hold grudges and it sucks. I want to be there for him when he needs me but i don't want to be enabling him either. It is a very tricky situation and I am not sure how to handle that one just yet. I want to be comfortable with the fact that I have not been nor will I ever be the center of his world, which is what I think I am ultimately trying to achieve from him. It won't happen because he just doesn't see me that way and that's ok - but I need to stop expending all my energy trying to get that from him when it isn't going to come. I need to just accept that he is my friend, a good friend and that I will do what I comfortably can for him. Doing things for people only become uncomfortable for me when I do it in excess and really get nothing back in return, and despite how hard it is to see, Rex still does a lot for me- just the mere fact that he puts up with my shit is enough for me. He has stuck around 9 fucking years. I do not have any one else I can say that about. No one has ever stuck with me and even defended me. So I do, I owe him a lot of gratitude, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be abused and I need to learn what boundaries I need to set for us to grow and have a healthy relationship going forward.
-I think that this plays into boundary 1 a lot - except that I do tell him everything because I want someone elses opinion. I know that I don't have the most amazing logic for each situation so I like to have someone to talk it out with, show me the cons or pros that I am not seeing. Like with the rash thing, I wanted to know if he thought it was something worth addressing since it has been a while- the answer was no, unless it was a mite that could be removed, theres nothing doctors can do about rashes. and that is all I needed, was a reminder of hey, yeah it is something out of the ordinary, but you know what, there won't likely be anything a doctor can do. I guess the real issue I had was that money was brought in as the primary focus and I hate making decisions around money like that. I mean my health should not dwell on how much money I do or do not have. I have always hated that.
There is a topic - money. Everything he says lately is "no money" and it is a constant reminder as I do forget, I am in the red. It sucks for me because I do not like being in the red! It means I have no freedom - I refuse to get another job right now because what the fuck is the point? Why am I going to spend every waking hour to work for money and then have no time to enjoy my life? I want to enjoy my life - I am too damn young to be working this hard. I have worked hard for over 14 years and I can not honestly believe that I am working and yet still in the red- this means I gave too much to those I cared about thinking they would be here to protect me forever. When what I should have done was protect myself. I didn't do that - but I can do that going forward. I do not like to be stingy- I really don't - but going forward anything over $10 is a no unless I have extra funds available to me to do so and even then that's hard because there are bills that are not monthly so it's hard to say if it actually is the same or not.
Money boundary- I need to stop paying for other people. I know it's a great gesture and all, but I work hard for my money, and that money is my freedom to go out and do things. I can't do things for myself or with other people if I have none- so I come first.
More on the money issue- I need to really really work on dittoing other people. I need to like it because I like it not because they do, ore because it looks good on them kind of a thing. If I am unsure of spending money i need to take the time to figure out why - is it because I feel too poor to do it, am I only wanting to do it to make friends and save face, or is it because I am projecting judgement? I need to back myself 100% and no matter what anyone else says, if I do or do not spend the money, I made that choice, no one else. I am the only one to blame for lost opportunities or wasteful opportunities that weren't quite as amazing as I had hoped. Money shouldn't control weither I go to the doctor or not, or drive my car or not, and so on. The only thing it should do is "can I pay my rent, can I pay my bills" and that is it - which at this point I can't and I am going into the red because of it and that enlies the real problem. Even if I do get the new position at PMI it is only a .50 raise, that would be roughly $80 a check which with taxes I will get.. maybe $40.. so I am kind of stuck. It really sucks that our bills are fixed rates that are way too high. I don't even get to live in the house much that I pay for and that has always been a pet peeve of mine.
I, alone am in control of my life and my decisions. I depend on others to help me see the full spectrum of my potential decisions but as I have been doing this, I have been throwing them under the bus when it goes aerie. I have been taught to do this, and at this stage in life I need to stop and take responsibility for my own choices and actions.
I have established a few boundaries through out this section of journaling- I am also going to write the ones I know I have as well.
1. Privacy when it comes to abuse - if someone asks for information, to see my phone, to see a journal -etc chances are I will say yes, but my boundary is that they can not take this information and use it against me. They must ask for clarification if they want it or they will lose the privilege of allowing me to completely open with them.- This boundary irritates me a little because if someone is going to use how I feel and what I think to attack me, weither they understand the full spectrum of it or not, they shouldn't be in my life and so thus depending on the situation and how I feel - this could require termination of the person from my life. Stop over-sharing. Say clearly and concisely what needs to be said, if more information is required, provide it only when asked.
2. Sex is acceptable and deserved as long as I am not being desperate. It has to be someone that knows and likes me for who I am as a person before they can know and like my body. It is ok to say no - follow my instincts.- It is ok to change my mind later, but not out of desperation or feeling like I am missing out on an opportunity. I need to truly want it otherwise it is not worth it.
3. Money boundary- I need to stop paying for other people. I know it's a great gesture and all, but I work hard for my money, and that money is my freedom to go out and do things. I can't do things for myself or with other people if I have none- so I come first.
It is really hard because all of this feels like an alternate reality that only a few people know about so it is hard to stay on track.
Since it is fresh in my mind and still irritating me lets start with what came up yesterday.
I have had a rash between my shoulder blades for over 2 weeks, now going no 3 (maybe 4 since time is so off). It started the day of or the day after Rex had his one night stand. I have been ignoring it as rashes usually go away naturally. But since he did contract an STD and since my rash didn't go away after a few weeks I have become concerned. I started to look it up and the first re-curring option was scabies. When I told him that he said I need to get checked ASAP. Well I wasn't able to set something up until the next day at which point he came to the conclusion it is actually probably just eczema - which is likely, but I made an appointment anyway as he originally suggested. Now right before I said I made the appointment I had run through the finances and showed him I was still about $100 negative and this would be another $30 to add on. He sent me a message saying "debt debt debt. just because you are paranoid about this rash" and I felt guilt ridden for having made the appointment. I DO NOT like being in debt. Fuck if it isn't shit like that that make me feel unworthy to take care of myself so when it is something serious I won't because something this minor gets shamed. It is stupid. I cancelled my appointment. But I am angry. I am upset. I do not like the way I was treated. But I did it to myself. I shouldn't have told him about my financial status. All he needed to know is what bills Lea owes so she can pay them. My doctors appointment is none of his concern, since yes he will make me feel bad about it because my deficit means it has to come out of the savings out and he is going to do whatever it takes to avoid that. Now I am ok with not going to the doctor because, they do little to nothing anyway, but I do want to make sure I am taking care of myself. So if it persists for another month I may consider going in depending no the symptoms. --side note- Re-reading the convo, it seems as though he followed up with the logic of using home remedies for eczema & heat rash and explaining that it would be cheaper than the doctor since I was already in debt.
I need to work on my boundary for privacy. I do not value privacy because I feel like it stops others from communicating properly, but what I am finding at this point, is that there is value in providing limited information. They don't need to know everything and they CAN ask if they want to know more, but I shouldn't dig myself a grave by providing too much information. Like with telling Norma she was being fired because Lori offered me the job. At first I lied to Norma because confrontation is scary, but after Lori left for lunch I went and told Norma the truth, much to my determent at this point. At the time, I felt she had a right to know - Rex told me that I should do what would make me feel best and he thinks I shouldn't have lied. Now he tell me he thinks it was a bad idea and had thought so at the time - I have the written proof that he said to do otherwise and so now I am learning a little more about how he communicates in those types of situations I guess. But the truth is I did what I wanted to despite his "approval" as that was what I was seeking, I was looking for guidance and no matter what he said, even if he change it later, changes the fact that I did what I di and I am responsible for my own actions. He is not to blame in any way, the only reason he is mentioned here is that I know where the potential attempt to blame went and how seeking approval doesn't get the answer I was hoping for. If he truly didn't think I should do it I wish that he would have said that but again, no matter what he said, I was going to do what I wanted to do.- but the bottom line is this:
Boundary 1: Stop over-sharing. Say clearly and concisely what needs to be said, if more information is required, provide it only when asked.
Sex is not something to be ashamed of. I enjoy sex with the right people. I DO NOT enjoy sex with random strangers, there is a lack of connection, passion, and that makes the interaction dull and boring. Both times I had one night stands as it is, I was anxiously waiting for it all to end. I don't want to put myself in those situations again 1. it is dangerous, stds and what not and not knowing the person, what if no is something they just dont listen to. 2. its just not worth it. When it comes to sex I want it to be with someone I consider a friend, that respects me as a person first and then they respect my body in the same fashion. I want to mutually be attracted and not just taking whoever wants me. I am worthy of love and respect and I do deserve it.
Bounday 3: It is ok to say no - follow my instincts.- It is ok to change my mind later, but not out of desperation or feeling like I am missing out on an opportunity. I need to truly want it otherwise it is not worth it.
I have been struggling with the issue that Rex does not consider me his family nor his best friend. He calls me his roommate to people - sometimes homie. It just hurts because to me the label roommate is something pretty low on the totem pole, it doesn't express the in depth relationship we have had for 9 years, that close bond. But then again maybe I am the only that sees the bond. The thing about this life is that all that exists is what I see and how I see it - I can not see what others see or how they feel and there isn't any true way to communicate it at this point either. So here is the deal - I love Rex dearly - I consider him a best friend - I do not want to mis-introduce him as my best friend if he is introducing me to people as roommate. Labels are labels are labels. So overall it doesn't matter how he introduces me, at least he brought me up at all for whatever reason - he didn't used to. The other issue is that being someone I care so deeply about he is still the center of my world and I am afraid of telling him no- I am afraid because then he won't come to me when he needs things. He does hold grudges and it sucks. I want to be there for him when he needs me but i don't want to be enabling him either. It is a very tricky situation and I am not sure how to handle that one just yet. I want to be comfortable with the fact that I have not been nor will I ever be the center of his world, which is what I think I am ultimately trying to achieve from him. It won't happen because he just doesn't see me that way and that's ok - but I need to stop expending all my energy trying to get that from him when it isn't going to come. I need to just accept that he is my friend, a good friend and that I will do what I comfortably can for him. Doing things for people only become uncomfortable for me when I do it in excess and really get nothing back in return, and despite how hard it is to see, Rex still does a lot for me- just the mere fact that he puts up with my shit is enough for me. He has stuck around 9 fucking years. I do not have any one else I can say that about. No one has ever stuck with me and even defended me. So I do, I owe him a lot of gratitude, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be abused and I need to learn what boundaries I need to set for us to grow and have a healthy relationship going forward.
-I think that this plays into boundary 1 a lot - except that I do tell him everything because I want someone elses opinion. I know that I don't have the most amazing logic for each situation so I like to have someone to talk it out with, show me the cons or pros that I am not seeing. Like with the rash thing, I wanted to know if he thought it was something worth addressing since it has been a while- the answer was no, unless it was a mite that could be removed, theres nothing doctors can do about rashes. and that is all I needed, was a reminder of hey, yeah it is something out of the ordinary, but you know what, there won't likely be anything a doctor can do. I guess the real issue I had was that money was brought in as the primary focus and I hate making decisions around money like that. I mean my health should not dwell on how much money I do or do not have. I have always hated that.
There is a topic - money. Everything he says lately is "no money" and it is a constant reminder as I do forget, I am in the red. It sucks for me because I do not like being in the red! It means I have no freedom - I refuse to get another job right now because what the fuck is the point? Why am I going to spend every waking hour to work for money and then have no time to enjoy my life? I want to enjoy my life - I am too damn young to be working this hard. I have worked hard for over 14 years and I can not honestly believe that I am working and yet still in the red- this means I gave too much to those I cared about thinking they would be here to protect me forever. When what I should have done was protect myself. I didn't do that - but I can do that going forward. I do not like to be stingy- I really don't - but going forward anything over $10 is a no unless I have extra funds available to me to do so and even then that's hard because there are bills that are not monthly so it's hard to say if it actually is the same or not.
Money boundary- I need to stop paying for other people. I know it's a great gesture and all, but I work hard for my money, and that money is my freedom to go out and do things. I can't do things for myself or with other people if I have none- so I come first.
More on the money issue- I need to really really work on dittoing other people. I need to like it because I like it not because they do, ore because it looks good on them kind of a thing. If I am unsure of spending money i need to take the time to figure out why - is it because I feel too poor to do it, am I only wanting to do it to make friends and save face, or is it because I am projecting judgement? I need to back myself 100% and no matter what anyone else says, if I do or do not spend the money, I made that choice, no one else. I am the only one to blame for lost opportunities or wasteful opportunities that weren't quite as amazing as I had hoped. Money shouldn't control weither I go to the doctor or not, or drive my car or not, and so on. The only thing it should do is "can I pay my rent, can I pay my bills" and that is it - which at this point I can't and I am going into the red because of it and that enlies the real problem. Even if I do get the new position at PMI it is only a .50 raise, that would be roughly $80 a check which with taxes I will get.. maybe $40.. so I am kind of stuck. It really sucks that our bills are fixed rates that are way too high. I don't even get to live in the house much that I pay for and that has always been a pet peeve of mine.
I, alone am in control of my life and my decisions. I depend on others to help me see the full spectrum of my potential decisions but as I have been doing this, I have been throwing them under the bus when it goes aerie. I have been taught to do this, and at this stage in life I need to stop and take responsibility for my own choices and actions.
I have established a few boundaries through out this section of journaling- I am also going to write the ones I know I have as well.
1. Privacy when it comes to abuse - if someone asks for information, to see my phone, to see a journal -etc chances are I will say yes, but my boundary is that they can not take this information and use it against me. They must ask for clarification if they want it or they will lose the privilege of allowing me to completely open with them.- This boundary irritates me a little because if someone is going to use how I feel and what I think to attack me, weither they understand the full spectrum of it or not, they shouldn't be in my life and so thus depending on the situation and how I feel - this could require termination of the person from my life. Stop over-sharing. Say clearly and concisely what needs to be said, if more information is required, provide it only when asked.
2. Sex is acceptable and deserved as long as I am not being desperate. It has to be someone that knows and likes me for who I am as a person before they can know and like my body. It is ok to say no - follow my instincts.- It is ok to change my mind later, but not out of desperation or feeling like I am missing out on an opportunity. I need to truly want it otherwise it is not worth it.
3. Money boundary- I need to stop paying for other people. I know it's a great gesture and all, but I work hard for my money, and that money is my freedom to go out and do things. I can't do things for myself or with other people if I have none- so I come first.