(no subject)
Its amazing what time can do. Ten years and people can grow so much, not purely physical but emotionaly as well. It's also amazing how little people can grow. Scars heal, pain lessens but never goes away, an emptiness remains. An empitness that can never be filled. People can forget things in ten years: little things like the sound of a laugh, the feel of a hug, the warmth of a presance and how special that preasence made you feel, and how a smile can brighten a day, week, month, even year. And at the end of that ten years i've come to realize that there really is no end. It's hard to remember these little things, i can still remember some of the bigger things; how much i was loved, and the fun i had. the nervousness that made my stomache twist and knot, how i would make my brother pull over cuz i thought i was gonna puke( and the times that i did lol) but how much longer is that gonna last? I hope it lasts another ten years, plus ten on top of that and another on top of that, but i know better. Someday these memories are going to fade, and the emptiness will only get bigger and the worse part is, i wont even realize it until it's already happened. Im not going to give up, there's no way in heaven, earth, or hell that i will simply give up and let go, but the enemy im fighting will never give up, never get tired he wont stop until he wins, and even then he will only continue to ground my memories under his boot. He will remain as implaccable as a mountain... even more than that because even a mountain gives in to time. Who am i to think i can outlast a mountain? How can i stand against Time?
But i digress
Some toughts and feelings are fuzzy and blurred, some have come into sharp focus. I never realized how much things would change, how could i? i was a child. There was no way i could wrap my mind around that, and every new dream i have, or one that comes to life is also turned to dust half formed, sadness, regret, wishing that he could he here to see what i've done, to look at him with pride in my eyes and see pride shining in his eyes, reflections of that little boy i used to be shifting into the man i could have become... even that dream can never be. It dies with no hope of ever coming to pass, though i suppose posting it here gives it a sort of everlasting life. i can re-read it and re-dream it whenever i want and imagine what it would have been like. It's bittersweet this feeling, i know it will never happen, but i can almost feel it, and hear him say "I'm proud of you son" i can almost smell dinner, because i would take him and mom out to eat to share the big news (whatever that big news might be) but God how it hurts to know it will never be, that knowledge tears my heart to shreds, and wrings fresh oceans from my eyes.It's like listening to an old favorite song that is just...that... far away... almost the lyrics are there, right on the tip of my tongue, but forever a breath away.
Wishes and dreams, thats all. wishes and dreams. It hurts for a little bit, but already the pain is fading. i felt like crying for days while typing that paragraph, but already the pain fades. already i can look back on that and only feel a dull ache, as if it has been ripped out and replaced with lead. Cold, hard, and heavy. heh i've spent three ciggerrettes and over an hour on this post and am no closer to really expressing the pain of ten years. Perhaps thats not the point, maybe the point is that it isn't inside anymore. I can look back on this and in a way look back not only on ten years but on the time before that. Thats harder, but i believe it is worth the effort. Of course that might mean more posts just so i can look back, and remember being little and having my father near me, and remember how his beard would scratch my face when he would hug me. It brings tears to my eyes remembering those times, they seemed so hard to be so far away from him, but the distance is so much greater. It also brings a smile to my face to remember when we closed that distance.
Wishes and dreams. Tears and smiles.
Maybe thats the point, wishes and dreams, tears and smiles. I miss you Dad, and i love you. You're always in my heart and that makes the distance not so far, not so painful.
Wishes and dreams. Tears and smiles.
But i digress
Some toughts and feelings are fuzzy and blurred, some have come into sharp focus. I never realized how much things would change, how could i? i was a child. There was no way i could wrap my mind around that, and every new dream i have, or one that comes to life is also turned to dust half formed, sadness, regret, wishing that he could he here to see what i've done, to look at him with pride in my eyes and see pride shining in his eyes, reflections of that little boy i used to be shifting into the man i could have become... even that dream can never be. It dies with no hope of ever coming to pass, though i suppose posting it here gives it a sort of everlasting life. i can re-read it and re-dream it whenever i want and imagine what it would have been like. It's bittersweet this feeling, i know it will never happen, but i can almost feel it, and hear him say "I'm proud of you son" i can almost smell dinner, because i would take him and mom out to eat to share the big news (whatever that big news might be) but God how it hurts to know it will never be, that knowledge tears my heart to shreds, and wrings fresh oceans from my eyes.It's like listening to an old favorite song that is just...that... far away... almost the lyrics are there, right on the tip of my tongue, but forever a breath away.
Wishes and dreams, thats all. wishes and dreams. It hurts for a little bit, but already the pain is fading. i felt like crying for days while typing that paragraph, but already the pain fades. already i can look back on that and only feel a dull ache, as if it has been ripped out and replaced with lead. Cold, hard, and heavy. heh i've spent three ciggerrettes and over an hour on this post and am no closer to really expressing the pain of ten years. Perhaps thats not the point, maybe the point is that it isn't inside anymore. I can look back on this and in a way look back not only on ten years but on the time before that. Thats harder, but i believe it is worth the effort. Of course that might mean more posts just so i can look back, and remember being little and having my father near me, and remember how his beard would scratch my face when he would hug me. It brings tears to my eyes remembering those times, they seemed so hard to be so far away from him, but the distance is so much greater. It also brings a smile to my face to remember when we closed that distance.
Wishes and dreams. Tears and smiles.
Maybe thats the point, wishes and dreams, tears and smiles. I miss you Dad, and i love you. You're always in my heart and that makes the distance not so far, not so painful.
Wishes and dreams. Tears and smiles.