(no subject)
ok. I'm moving this here from a board I post on... cuz I'm lazy and don't wanna type more. get over it.
Yesterdays original post:
omg. I can't believe this. i never thought I'd get this far in....
I cut 4 times yesterday. a lot. not really deep, but like, at least 50 cuts, all the way up my arm.... that barely phases me anymore. in the beginning it wouldve scared me to death. now it doesnt even seem to matter. but I guess I have bigger things to think about now.
before you tell me this is wrong, i don't need another addiction, I'm too young, I'm killing myself, I could get brain damage, I know. I've heard them all. from all my friends.
I've started finding other things...and I can barely believe I'm typing this, let alone that it's true....it seems so surreal....like something out of a movie. that'd never happen to me. I always thought so. then again, I used to think cutting urself on purpose was one of the stupidest things anyone could ever do.......I thought people who tried to kill themselves deserved to be locked up for life...and I still remember like, 5 years ago, me and my best friend at a buffet...and we went to the bathroom and we told her mom that we had to "empty out so we could fit more food in" and she freaked, and said "you're not throwing up are you?" and we told her we were just going to the bathroom. we spent most of the rest of the night trying to figure out why anyone would want to throw up on purpose. because when u were 10, throwing up, by accident or otherwise, was disgusting. and stopping eating just to lose weight was insane. who would do that? who didnt love food? but now look at me. I'm cutting like, at least once a day. every day. I've tried to kill myself 4 times, and most of you know how fucked up my eating is...so I'm not even gonna go into it. so I guess it figured that this would happen sooner or later....
Stole my sisters valium she got after her surgery. like,a month ago. then again in the beginning of this week. then Thursday...then yesterday...and I'll probably end up taking more today, cuz If i don't i think i'm going to explode. my head hurts, I'm sick to my stomache, I just have an all around sucky feeling. I need more. I've been smoking... my friends hopefully bringing me another pack tomorrow, don't know if i can wait that long.... I've needed a cigarette ever since I got impatient... and it's been getting worse... ugh. and now i'm seriously about to crack I'm home alone. there's gin in the liquor cabinet about 15 feet away from where i'm sitting. I know I'm not gonna be able to resist it any longer.... i need something.... damn. I'm turning into a fucking druggie.
I used to think druggies were stupid. that they needed a life, that they were throwing theres away. that was years ago. now I'm becoming one. isn't it evil the way life throws shit around like that? ugh. i hate my life...
that was yesterday. I ended up drinking, and took 50 mgs of valium...got really fucking drunk. rode my bike, drunk, in sandals, and being stupid w/ my foot like, 3/4 off the pedal, I ripped almost all the skin of the top front part of my foot. barely felt it. luckily I controlled myself enough not to cut... but i dunno how long I can do that.... I wanna cigarette...... god. I'm so fucked up right now it's not even funny. and I can't cut, drink, or get high. my mom's home. and the weird thing is, I'm not even sure I want to. I'm just so confused.....:(
damn. I'm so screwed. I'm so fucking hung over right now... my mom's mad.... "you shouldnt be tired" "it's almost 2:00 in the afternoon" "get off the computer"
Well what am I supposed to say? "sorry mom. I can't. I'm too hungover from the gin i found in the liquor cabinet last night. o yeah. by the way. I've been stealing my sisters valium. aren't you happy?" goddamit. this sucks. this completely and utterly sucks.
And now my friend says she's gonna call or e-mail my mom about all the shit I've been doing. I'm screwed. e-mailed her, but she hasnt responded...she wouldnt answer her fone yesterday... I'm calling her later... But I'm pretty sure I'm screwed. I can't go impatient again. which i would. if my mom found out. it was horrible. there was one guy who wouldn't stop flirting with me, another guy who kept grabbing my boobs, and a girl who kept hitting me on the hand. with a rubber band. till it got completely bruised up... I hate her. but I took it. because otherwise no one would ever have let me live it down....and she's still there. cuz I've seen her. (I'm outpatient right now) so I CANT go back..... I'm not saying your name, but if you're reading this, please don't do it...call me. or something.... trust me. I'm trying to stop...I mean, I havent tried to kill myself in like, almost 3 months.....I've been eating, every day, keeping it down, i hadn't cut in like, 2 1/2 weeks before I went impatient.....look at how much I'm doing. I'm trying to quit this shit. please don't tell my mom. all that's gonna do is get me impatient. with all the druggies. i first heard about cutting in there. i first heard about burning in there. and this last time I found out more things to get high off of. which I'm attempting not to do. so PLEASE don't do this again...cuz this is starting to drive me crazy. Please dont. i can't deal with it........
ugh. I'm so fucked up....I need to cut. I need to bleed....I need to go deeper than before....so deep I can see my heart beating.............don't worry about me. I couldnt cut deep if I wanted to....I'm a fucking wimp and I always will be......and I'm trying to stop....but i still can't stand this shit going on right now.....
Damn. I'm screwed. i wish I could end this. if I wasn't such a wimp.....
goddamit. o well. my fault. I'll suffer through it. like I always have.....like I always will...
~Caroline~
Yesterdays original post:
omg. I can't believe this. i never thought I'd get this far in....
I cut 4 times yesterday. a lot. not really deep, but like, at least 50 cuts, all the way up my arm.... that barely phases me anymore. in the beginning it wouldve scared me to death. now it doesnt even seem to matter. but I guess I have bigger things to think about now.
before you tell me this is wrong, i don't need another addiction, I'm too young, I'm killing myself, I could get brain damage, I know. I've heard them all. from all my friends.
I've started finding other things...and I can barely believe I'm typing this, let alone that it's true....it seems so surreal....like something out of a movie. that'd never happen to me. I always thought so. then again, I used to think cutting urself on purpose was one of the stupidest things anyone could ever do.......I thought people who tried to kill themselves deserved to be locked up for life...and I still remember like, 5 years ago, me and my best friend at a buffet...and we went to the bathroom and we told her mom that we had to "empty out so we could fit more food in" and she freaked, and said "you're not throwing up are you?" and we told her we were just going to the bathroom. we spent most of the rest of the night trying to figure out why anyone would want to throw up on purpose. because when u were 10, throwing up, by accident or otherwise, was disgusting. and stopping eating just to lose weight was insane. who would do that? who didnt love food? but now look at me. I'm cutting like, at least once a day. every day. I've tried to kill myself 4 times, and most of you know how fucked up my eating is...so I'm not even gonna go into it. so I guess it figured that this would happen sooner or later....
Stole my sisters valium she got after her surgery. like,a month ago. then again in the beginning of this week. then Thursday...then yesterday...and I'll probably end up taking more today, cuz If i don't i think i'm going to explode. my head hurts, I'm sick to my stomache, I just have an all around sucky feeling. I need more. I've been smoking... my friends hopefully bringing me another pack tomorrow, don't know if i can wait that long.... I've needed a cigarette ever since I got impatient... and it's been getting worse... ugh. and now i'm seriously about to crack I'm home alone. there's gin in the liquor cabinet about 15 feet away from where i'm sitting. I know I'm not gonna be able to resist it any longer.... i need something.... damn. I'm turning into a fucking druggie.
I used to think druggies were stupid. that they needed a life, that they were throwing theres away. that was years ago. now I'm becoming one. isn't it evil the way life throws shit around like that? ugh. i hate my life...
that was yesterday. I ended up drinking, and took 50 mgs of valium...got really fucking drunk. rode my bike, drunk, in sandals, and being stupid w/ my foot like, 3/4 off the pedal, I ripped almost all the skin of the top front part of my foot. barely felt it. luckily I controlled myself enough not to cut... but i dunno how long I can do that.... I wanna cigarette...... god. I'm so fucked up right now it's not even funny. and I can't cut, drink, or get high. my mom's home. and the weird thing is, I'm not even sure I want to. I'm just so confused.....:(
damn. I'm so screwed. I'm so fucking hung over right now... my mom's mad.... "you shouldnt be tired" "it's almost 2:00 in the afternoon" "get off the computer"
Well what am I supposed to say? "sorry mom. I can't. I'm too hungover from the gin i found in the liquor cabinet last night. o yeah. by the way. I've been stealing my sisters valium. aren't you happy?" goddamit. this sucks. this completely and utterly sucks.
And now my friend says she's gonna call or e-mail my mom about all the shit I've been doing. I'm screwed. e-mailed her, but she hasnt responded...she wouldnt answer her fone yesterday... I'm calling her later... But I'm pretty sure I'm screwed. I can't go impatient again. which i would. if my mom found out. it was horrible. there was one guy who wouldn't stop flirting with me, another guy who kept grabbing my boobs, and a girl who kept hitting me on the hand. with a rubber band. till it got completely bruised up... I hate her. but I took it. because otherwise no one would ever have let me live it down....and she's still there. cuz I've seen her. (I'm outpatient right now) so I CANT go back..... I'm not saying your name, but if you're reading this, please don't do it...call me. or something.... trust me. I'm trying to stop...I mean, I havent tried to kill myself in like, almost 3 months.....I've been eating, every day, keeping it down, i hadn't cut in like, 2 1/2 weeks before I went impatient.....look at how much I'm doing. I'm trying to quit this shit. please don't tell my mom. all that's gonna do is get me impatient. with all the druggies. i first heard about cutting in there. i first heard about burning in there. and this last time I found out more things to get high off of. which I'm attempting not to do. so PLEASE don't do this again...cuz this is starting to drive me crazy. Please dont. i can't deal with it........
ugh. I'm so fucked up....I need to cut. I need to bleed....I need to go deeper than before....so deep I can see my heart beating.............don't worry about me. I couldnt cut deep if I wanted to....I'm a fucking wimp and I always will be......and I'm trying to stop....but i still can't stand this shit going on right now.....
Damn. I'm screwed. i wish I could end this. if I wasn't such a wimp.....
goddamit. o well. my fault. I'll suffer through it. like I always have.....like I always will...
~Caroline~