Death (Sorry, but this one's long for a reason)
Well, I'm glad I waited to tell the story of Wes. Sadly circumstances have made this a good time to tell it.
Aparently last night a young man named Ryan overdosed and died. He was friends with many people I know. One of my co-workers actually didn't come into work because she was grieving. I was able to give her some comfort in an e-mail, thanks to my experience with Wes. I often hear "Some must die that others may live". Sad but true.
Wes was my first sponsie. He was about 3 or 4 years younger than me. He had been in and out of the program. I met him at a sober night club I was working at and he asked me to sponsor him. I agreed and was excited to have somebody to work with. I had a hard time trusting him at first, with good reason. None the less he reminded me of myself when I was younger. A lot. We started working the steps. When we got to step two he said that he wanted to believe in a higher power that was not perfect nor omnipotent. I tried to do the same my first time around. I told him what my first sponsor told me... "no". He took it in stride like I did. We worked through his third step and he seemed eager to work the program. He was looking forward to getting three months of sobriety and working step four. He had done niether.
Then one day he told me that he had relapsed a few weeks prior. He was living with some friends of ours at the time and the had suspected it. When he told me, I told him that I was glad he was able to get honest with me. He asked me whether he would have to start over on the steps. I told him that I didn't want to but that I would ask my sponsor's advice before I made a decision. When I had my first replapse my sponsor at that time didn't have me restart the steps. Granted I was further along as well. I would later relapse, but then again I would come back to the program. My sponsor told me to have Wes restart the steps. If I could do it again, I would not have him re-work the steps because that's not what I did. However I don't regret my decision.
When I told Wes we would restart the steps he took it a little hard. He called me once after that and then I never heard from him again. He started using again and every now and then I would get an update from one of my friends. A few months later one of my good friends in the program should up at my door at about 8:00 in the morning. I could tell something serious was up. He told me that Wes had overdosed the night before. The day he died he asked a friend what would happen if he took a certain hand full of pills he had. This friend said "it would probably kill you" laughingly. Who knows whether Wes took the comment seriously or not.
I felt pretty detatched at the news of Wes's death. I only worked with him for about 2 months and I hadn't heard from him for about 4 to 5 months. I didn't see him die and I never saw his body. I guess part of me just feels like he's still out there somewhere. We had grown apart. I tend to feel detatched when someone dies and I've never had anyone close to me die.
Shortly after Wes's death some of my friends who had left the program came back. Many of them had plans to party with Wes that night.
It seems that I've learned more from Wes in his death than I did through his life. I don't know whether Wes intended to kill himself or not. What I do know is that his death is a direct result of his actions. I believe that God has given us free will. It is a gift. Wes made a poor choice and God did not take away his gift of choice to spare his life. There are consequences for the choices we make. I do believe that God does bring good out of our bad choices. In this instance he helped some of my friends come back into the program.
In A.A. I've heard it said that A.A. is not for people who need it or people who want it. It is for the people who do it. Honesty is the basis of the program. The plain and simple truth is that Wes didn't get honest. He didn't get honest with himself in admitting that he was an addict. He didn't get honest with his fellow man. In my opinion, with out a foundation of honesty, his program crumbled.
So, I do and I do not understand what Ryan's friends and family are going through. I don't know what happened other than that he overdosed. Like Wes, that is a direct result of his own actions. And now many are suffering.
In times like these I think it is important to remember that life goes on. Yes, we need to grieve and feel our emotions. It is hazardous to ignore the emotions we feel when we face death. But we should not let them control us. It is important to be grateful that we are still here. It is important to be grateful for those in our lives whom we can lean on for support, especially when they need our help just as much. It is important to remember TO lean on those people, and not isolate. We should remember the good aspects of the deceased's life and the postive impacts it made. In doing so part of that person lives on. At the same time we need to recognize the bad as well so as to learn from that person's mistakes. Though the person is gone, we can still love them. I believe doing these things helps us to live on and to honor those who have gone on before us.
I'm grateful that today I could be of comfort to those I know who are grieving.
At the end of the day, death can remind us that life is good.
Aparently last night a young man named Ryan overdosed and died. He was friends with many people I know. One of my co-workers actually didn't come into work because she was grieving. I was able to give her some comfort in an e-mail, thanks to my experience with Wes. I often hear "Some must die that others may live". Sad but true.
Wes was my first sponsie. He was about 3 or 4 years younger than me. He had been in and out of the program. I met him at a sober night club I was working at and he asked me to sponsor him. I agreed and was excited to have somebody to work with. I had a hard time trusting him at first, with good reason. None the less he reminded me of myself when I was younger. A lot. We started working the steps. When we got to step two he said that he wanted to believe in a higher power that was not perfect nor omnipotent. I tried to do the same my first time around. I told him what my first sponsor told me... "no". He took it in stride like I did. We worked through his third step and he seemed eager to work the program. He was looking forward to getting three months of sobriety and working step four. He had done niether.
Then one day he told me that he had relapsed a few weeks prior. He was living with some friends of ours at the time and the had suspected it. When he told me, I told him that I was glad he was able to get honest with me. He asked me whether he would have to start over on the steps. I told him that I didn't want to but that I would ask my sponsor's advice before I made a decision. When I had my first replapse my sponsor at that time didn't have me restart the steps. Granted I was further along as well. I would later relapse, but then again I would come back to the program. My sponsor told me to have Wes restart the steps. If I could do it again, I would not have him re-work the steps because that's not what I did. However I don't regret my decision.
When I told Wes we would restart the steps he took it a little hard. He called me once after that and then I never heard from him again. He started using again and every now and then I would get an update from one of my friends. A few months later one of my good friends in the program should up at my door at about 8:00 in the morning. I could tell something serious was up. He told me that Wes had overdosed the night before. The day he died he asked a friend what would happen if he took a certain hand full of pills he had. This friend said "it would probably kill you" laughingly. Who knows whether Wes took the comment seriously or not.
I felt pretty detatched at the news of Wes's death. I only worked with him for about 2 months and I hadn't heard from him for about 4 to 5 months. I didn't see him die and I never saw his body. I guess part of me just feels like he's still out there somewhere. We had grown apart. I tend to feel detatched when someone dies and I've never had anyone close to me die.
Shortly after Wes's death some of my friends who had left the program came back. Many of them had plans to party with Wes that night.
It seems that I've learned more from Wes in his death than I did through his life. I don't know whether Wes intended to kill himself or not. What I do know is that his death is a direct result of his actions. I believe that God has given us free will. It is a gift. Wes made a poor choice and God did not take away his gift of choice to spare his life. There are consequences for the choices we make. I do believe that God does bring good out of our bad choices. In this instance he helped some of my friends come back into the program.
In A.A. I've heard it said that A.A. is not for people who need it or people who want it. It is for the people who do it. Honesty is the basis of the program. The plain and simple truth is that Wes didn't get honest. He didn't get honest with himself in admitting that he was an addict. He didn't get honest with his fellow man. In my opinion, with out a foundation of honesty, his program crumbled.
So, I do and I do not understand what Ryan's friends and family are going through. I don't know what happened other than that he overdosed. Like Wes, that is a direct result of his own actions. And now many are suffering.
In times like these I think it is important to remember that life goes on. Yes, we need to grieve and feel our emotions. It is hazardous to ignore the emotions we feel when we face death. But we should not let them control us. It is important to be grateful that we are still here. It is important to be grateful for those in our lives whom we can lean on for support, especially when they need our help just as much. It is important to remember TO lean on those people, and not isolate. We should remember the good aspects of the deceased's life and the postive impacts it made. In doing so part of that person lives on. At the same time we need to recognize the bad as well so as to learn from that person's mistakes. Though the person is gone, we can still love them. I believe doing these things helps us to live on and to honor those who have gone on before us.
I'm grateful that today I could be of comfort to those I know who are grieving.
At the end of the day, death can remind us that life is good.