(no subject)
I've been thinking and I feel like I need to start seeing a therapist again. It's strange, but I really enjoyed having someone to talk to. I know that people are supposed to have a support system and what not, but I have an aversion to talking about myself, especially my problems, with other people. Deep down, I'm always afraid that I'm talking about myself way too much and that I'm coming off as conceited or vain. I think that I'm scared of the idea of being considered vain so terrifying because people do not like that kind of trait and therefore they wouldn't like me. And having people not like me, especialy people I am friends with or trying to be friends with, would be awful. How awful? I'm not sure, but I get the feeling that it would have a large impact on me if it did happen.
I'm a Capricorn... and one of my biggest traits is my extraordinary ability to see the world through logic. Sometimes I hate it. I realize that before, I would throw my emotions all around and I wouldn't know how or why I felt things. And I developed a system of solving my problems through college and I was able to figure out how I feel and why I feel it. But what good is that really?
I went on a pseudo date yesterday. I call it a pseudo date because it was more of us hanging out, but we like each other. I'm a little uneasy about that... Why? I'm not really sure. I had fun, we talked a lot, he loves my music... and Joanna Newsom which is the cooooolest thing ever. I like the way he thinks, and how silly he is. And I think he's hilarious and lively. What worries me I guess is the fact that there wasn't any way to get more comfortable with him like I wanted. I don't want to get into the friendship syndrome or something. Annnnd.... I'm just looking for those signs that let you know how a person really feels about you, y'know. eye contact, close comfort zones, touches... IDK. THAT SOUNDS STUPID. but it's true. That's that capricorn in me I was talking about. I'm looking for the logical reasons and signs to let me know how things are going despite the fact that the people are more than able hide how they are truly feeling. I just don't want to get my hopes up for something and then have to deal with getting let down. So I guess that might be why I'm nervous about yesterday and everything. I had a small melt down and I called Christy Smith and met her at McDonalds because I was soooo distraught and confused about everything. But I felt much better afterwards. I just had to get all that anxiety out of me. I'm still a little nervous, but I can handle it. Que Sera Sera y'know. What will be will be and I'll manage to get through it somehow like always. I like everyone else in the world, am afraid of being and feeling hurt.
I work tomorrow... 8:45 to 5... it's going to be a very long day and I am hoping that people are in that cheerful holiday spirit. If I don't run into any rude or problematic customers, than I'll call my day a huge success.
I'm rereading this book called Someday, This Pain Wil Be Useful To You because I'm relating hardcore to the protaganist of the story. He's an antisocial 18 year old how feels alienated from his family and the rest of the world. Today, I felt really detached from my family and it made me sad. I just couldn't be happy because I get so aggravated by them. From my sister, who has no job, two kids, and no sense of direction or responsibility, to my other sister who just wouldn't stop being annoying and childish. And my brother called on the phone to say Happy Thanksgiving and everyone wanted to talk to him and say hello and whatever, but I was the only one who didn't and didn't want to. I don't hate him but we have nothing in common and it would have been awkward and trivial. But it still made me sad because at that moment, I felt like I was an outsider and that I didn't really have a place, although after my mother, I somehow manage to have a giant place in the family.
I'm still a mess even though I've grown leaps and bounds since college. I'm happy and upset about that. I mean, how much growing do we have to do? But it's good because I was feeling robotic and unemotional several days ago. I'm still hypercritical of myself and everyone around me, I'm still insecure, and my emotions still ebb and flow from low to high. And I've got all these conflicting ideas of who I am... am I a jerk or the really nice guy, am I the guy who needs advice or gives it, am I an introvert or an extrovert. I know we can't fit neatly into the boxes of classification and that I don't really want to sometimes, but again, I've got that personality where the logical and organized makes me feel comfortable. So I want to be able to label myself, but I can't.
I'm done here. I hope everyone had a spectacular Thanksgiving and is well rested and happy from their tiny vacations!
I'm a Capricorn... and one of my biggest traits is my extraordinary ability to see the world through logic. Sometimes I hate it. I realize that before, I would throw my emotions all around and I wouldn't know how or why I felt things. And I developed a system of solving my problems through college and I was able to figure out how I feel and why I feel it. But what good is that really?
I went on a pseudo date yesterday. I call it a pseudo date because it was more of us hanging out, but we like each other. I'm a little uneasy about that... Why? I'm not really sure. I had fun, we talked a lot, he loves my music... and Joanna Newsom which is the cooooolest thing ever. I like the way he thinks, and how silly he is. And I think he's hilarious and lively. What worries me I guess is the fact that there wasn't any way to get more comfortable with him like I wanted. I don't want to get into the friendship syndrome or something. Annnnd.... I'm just looking for those signs that let you know how a person really feels about you, y'know. eye contact, close comfort zones, touches... IDK. THAT SOUNDS STUPID. but it's true. That's that capricorn in me I was talking about. I'm looking for the logical reasons and signs to let me know how things are going despite the fact that the people are more than able hide how they are truly feeling. I just don't want to get my hopes up for something and then have to deal with getting let down. So I guess that might be why I'm nervous about yesterday and everything. I had a small melt down and I called Christy Smith and met her at McDonalds because I was soooo distraught and confused about everything. But I felt much better afterwards. I just had to get all that anxiety out of me. I'm still a little nervous, but I can handle it. Que Sera Sera y'know. What will be will be and I'll manage to get through it somehow like always. I like everyone else in the world, am afraid of being and feeling hurt.
I work tomorrow... 8:45 to 5... it's going to be a very long day and I am hoping that people are in that cheerful holiday spirit. If I don't run into any rude or problematic customers, than I'll call my day a huge success.
I'm rereading this book called Someday, This Pain Wil Be Useful To You because I'm relating hardcore to the protaganist of the story. He's an antisocial 18 year old how feels alienated from his family and the rest of the world. Today, I felt really detached from my family and it made me sad. I just couldn't be happy because I get so aggravated by them. From my sister, who has no job, two kids, and no sense of direction or responsibility, to my other sister who just wouldn't stop being annoying and childish. And my brother called on the phone to say Happy Thanksgiving and everyone wanted to talk to him and say hello and whatever, but I was the only one who didn't and didn't want to. I don't hate him but we have nothing in common and it would have been awkward and trivial. But it still made me sad because at that moment, I felt like I was an outsider and that I didn't really have a place, although after my mother, I somehow manage to have a giant place in the family.
I'm still a mess even though I've grown leaps and bounds since college. I'm happy and upset about that. I mean, how much growing do we have to do? But it's good because I was feeling robotic and unemotional several days ago. I'm still hypercritical of myself and everyone around me, I'm still insecure, and my emotions still ebb and flow from low to high. And I've got all these conflicting ideas of who I am... am I a jerk or the really nice guy, am I the guy who needs advice or gives it, am I an introvert or an extrovert. I know we can't fit neatly into the boxes of classification and that I don't really want to sometimes, but again, I've got that personality where the logical and organized makes me feel comfortable. So I want to be able to label myself, but I can't.
I'm done here. I hope everyone had a spectacular Thanksgiving and is well rested and happy from their tiny vacations!