just like that debbie gibson song
I had a dream about creating unrealistic goals for myself to live up to. In my dream I was to perform in an office talent show. I signed up to play the piano. I’m not a piano player in real life and I wasn’t one in my dream. At first I wasn’t worried, I had two weeks to learn one piece. Then I got the bright idea to play a different piece in a smaller recital a week before the show for work. I gave up several days before the small commitment, and my dream ended with me back stage at my work talent show crying back stage over an upright piano quitting that show as well.
The dream was weird because I don’t give up on things that are so public. I might end up doing something poorly or figuring out an easier way to fulfill whatever obligation I’ve committed myself to. I do, however, give up on personal commitments all the time. And since dreams aren’t literal, I think that’s what my subconscious might be talking to me about. I haven’t made any really big personal goals in a long time. I don’t want to think of my self as a failure so I don’t give myself the chance to fail. I will come up with grand ideas want to make a reality, and it is easy to put off doing the small things that will make up the big thing. But recently I’ve started to make specific, reachable goals for myself. It’s exciting to have things that I want to do, but having a deadline has a way of shutting me down. I don’t know if it’s carried over from high school, but I have a hard time trying to get something done if I think that I want it done in two weeks. I start it, do ten minutes of work and then stop, because I have two weeks to finish it. It’s a hard habit to break, but one that I am working on because I don’t just want to finish these things, I want to be proud of the work I’ve done.
Another thing about the dream that struck me was the crying. I’m not a big crier, especially not in public, especially not when it comes to failure because of lack of work. In my dream I cried. I don’t know if I did it to get out of my commitment easier. I don’t think that’s why I was crying, though I think I was worried that people would think of my behavior in that way. I think I was crying because I let my self down and I was disappointed in myself. I don’t want to let myself down any more. I have been worried that the things I do will be rejected. When I quit working after ten minutes I do so after getting a tightness in my chest telling me that whatever it is I’m doing isn’t going to be easy, I’m actually going to have to work at it. I think the dream was telling me that I have to do all that I can do, because only I will know if what I put out there is the best work I can do. Weather it is accepted or rejected, if it isn’t my best I’m going to feel like a failure. Not completing my goals isn’t an option, that’s a big step for me. Now I need to be sure I can be proud of the way they are met.