(no subject)
i don't like people today. i don't know WHAT it is, i'm trying so hard not to be a snob but i have become more and more aware of the fact that i find it extremely difficult to connect with almost everyone my own age because no one's interested in just talking about stuff, leading any sort of vaguely conscious existence. between therapy and just this weird sense of self-actualization that comes wiht completing the college process and watching myself become a woman i feel like i see so much more of the world now, and there are so few people to share this with. it's so hard for me to understand why people wouldn't be interested in their own existence, i guess. why getting drunk and stoned past the point of consciousness and playing videogames and mechanically hooking up with someone constitutes a good night when, even in somewhere as boring as vermont, there's so much to be experienced and learned from one another. i refuse to believe that so few people carry with them the knowledge that nearly everything out there is beautiful in some way. there's the outdoors - the stars, the trees, this fucking incredible UNIVERSE that's nothing if not ours. there's art: music, movies, literature, you don't have to be smart to just feel better experiencing something like a song, at least feeling something, even if it can't be isolated or articulated. at least for me, that's when i'm not alone, when i'm looking at art (abstract expressionists are perfect for me for all of these reasons) or listening to a beautiful song that gives me that sense of kinship. and people themselves are fascinating and awesome and you can laugh, you can talk, you can make out, whatever, i just wish people weren't afraid to connect.
i felt very alone last night and this morning. i just want to mean and feel something. i don't want to waste time anymore. i've had enlightening experiences with adults lately, just really good conversations in therapy and with my various mentors and even some random old dude who non-creepily inquired about the joan mitchell book on my table at capitol grounds this morning, people who are interested in the world and who appreciate and reciprocate what i have to say. but i want young people like me so bad. and that's what college is for; i've already experienced way better on the vassar campus. but AWEOIFJAWOEIFAWEF i feel so immensely cosmically frustrated.
we are doing something so fascinating, this whole growing up thing. i want to share that feeling.
also, i'm in the middle of this article in the new yorker on the mass extinction of amphibians, probably as a consequence of humans exposing them to a type of fungi while using this kind of frog for medical purposes, comparing this wave of extinction to those of the past. it's interesting and not necessarily as scary as it sounds. it's making me think of how long everything goes on once we're gone, how one day we'll be dinosaurs and something will develop in our absence. and i'm upset that i won't be around for whatever's next, disappointed to be little more than a blip in the history of the universe.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
listen to bowerbirds