(no subject)
i look forward to, at some point, living in one of those homes that's just sort of brimming with love and contentment and joy. i hate how cavernous my own home feels on days like this, my mom gone the one chance i thought i'd have to see her, no valentines on the table this morning, conversation limited to a request to clean.
it's not really about just wanting a boy to adore me anymore; i think that feeling has become somewhat convoluted with age. but in those moments in which i feel like i'm radiating something positive, i want someone there to share it, not to deflect it. i don't want to feel alone in happiness, because that's what always kills it for me.
i don't trust people to pull me up, but i want it so bad. and that's a terrible combination; i feel as if i'm sort of dangling myself off a cliff of indeterminate height all the time, mostly curious as to whether or not there's someone lurking to the side who would catch me, take me home, fix me up.
independence and self-reliance are valuable traits, but the extent to which i insist on them for myself is probably unhealthy. i want my mom. i want my sister. i want my best friend, i want a boyfriend, i want my therapist, i want my father back from wherever he's sunk in the last five to ten years. that's okay, isn't it? to need people? i need to hear i love you from everywhere.
but my dad's vacuuming downstairs and things are a little too quiet