Believe it or not I've been writing
So for the last two weeks or so I've been working on an entry of some kind, mostly about music. For the last month or so I've been feeling steadily more and more shitty for reasons I may or may not get into later. The other night all of these things kind of converged on one another and I had a little... not so much a nervous breakdown, but more like a fit that turned into a spontaneous session of writing. I laid in bed under the covers, keyboard on my lap, music playing, and I just sort of typed all the really awful sad, worried, melodramatic things that were in my head as fast as I possibly could. It was nice, very cathartic.
What came out was... I'm not sure. ALMOST worth putting here if it weren't so horribly filled with cliches. I dunno, every time I get stupidly flowery and emotional with language part of me says "hell yeah, that's real shit" and half of me says "this has no real logical construction or point to it". It's kind of like music or poetry or art, is quality measured in how accessible it is, how technically sound it is, or how emotionally evocative it is?
There's also another part of me that feels like I should post it just as a matter of fairness. I feel so guilty with how guarded I am about my real feelings about things compared to say, Allison, who as I've said before is the "FUCK YOU I'M AN ANTEATER" to my "Pleased to meet you, I'm an anteater" when it comes to having feelings and being honest about them. I guess my main thought is that people are going to worry (even knowing that I write these things in the middle of horrible mood swings and don't actually mean them long-term) if I start posting things like "I wish I was dead" and "I can't stand to exist anmore" (sic).
That's the other thing that makes me want to post what I wrote the other night; from a purely grammatical standpoint, it's fucking HILARIOUS. Considering that I spellcheck when I type aim messages, it's hysterical to know that I actually can write words like "buburban", and "enternity", and my personal favorite, "irrefuitble". All the bad misspellings and fucked-up spacings and almost-complete lack of paragraphing give it a wonderfully ironic sense that actually makes it readable. The utter silliness of the imagery lets me read it and not have to think that a lot of times, including when I wrote it, I really really feel that way.
So, I don't know. I may decide to post it, I may not. And when that entry about music will surface is anybody's guess at this point. But what I guess I'm trying to say, in maybe a less-violently-upset way than I said it the other night is: I've been feeling really really awful lately and I find it really hard to talk about it with anybody.
There.
What came out was... I'm not sure. ALMOST worth putting here if it weren't so horribly filled with cliches. I dunno, every time I get stupidly flowery and emotional with language part of me says "hell yeah, that's real shit" and half of me says "this has no real logical construction or point to it". It's kind of like music or poetry or art, is quality measured in how accessible it is, how technically sound it is, or how emotionally evocative it is?
There's also another part of me that feels like I should post it just as a matter of fairness. I feel so guilty with how guarded I am about my real feelings about things compared to say, Allison, who as I've said before is the "FUCK YOU I'M AN ANTEATER" to my "Pleased to meet you, I'm an anteater" when it comes to having feelings and being honest about them. I guess my main thought is that people are going to worry (even knowing that I write these things in the middle of horrible mood swings and don't actually mean them long-term) if I start posting things like "I wish I was dead" and "I can't stand to exist anmore" (sic).
That's the other thing that makes me want to post what I wrote the other night; from a purely grammatical standpoint, it's fucking HILARIOUS. Considering that I spellcheck when I type aim messages, it's hysterical to know that I actually can write words like "buburban", and "enternity", and my personal favorite, "irrefuitble". All the bad misspellings and fucked-up spacings and almost-complete lack of paragraphing give it a wonderfully ironic sense that actually makes it readable. The utter silliness of the imagery lets me read it and not have to think that a lot of times, including when I wrote it, I really really feel that way.
So, I don't know. I may decide to post it, I may not. And when that entry about music will surface is anybody's guess at this point. But what I guess I'm trying to say, in maybe a less-violently-upset way than I said it the other night is: I've been feeling really really awful lately and I find it really hard to talk about it with anybody.
There.