19 till 21
I've had a phrase running around in my head for the last few days. This isn't terribly odd on its own, given that with as much attention I pay to the music I listen to, I always have one lyric or another that stays with me for a while. But for once, this isn't from a song.
Back in Japanese class, I used to arrive late a lot for some reason. Usually about 10-15 minutes or so. When this happened, I would just walk in, and sit down. My teacher, an elderly woman, would usually be distracted by writing something on the board, or something at her desk. As a result, it would sometimes be more than a few minutes before she'd suddenly see me, and say "Oh! When did you get here?" She wasn't mad, just shocked; somehow she never managed to see me walk in, only noticed my absence and then sudden presence. And the first time it happened, she christened me with this phrase I've been mulling over: "kaze no you ni": "like the wind".
It's sort of funny that for as little as I like being out in nature, as little as I care about the environment in general, my life has taken on strange elemental qualities. I talk about my mind as a big ocean, I talk about my trips to the city as being lost in a landscape of concrete, and I try to live my life sort of like the wind. Quiet, unseen, present but untouchable. For as long as I can remember, I've tried to go through life affecting as little as possible. It doesn't really ever work out, of course. Usually something drags me out of silence or inaction. People want me to talk, or want me to do things. And of course, sometimes I want to do things too. But overall, my oldest, fondest wish in life has been to be a ghost. To just watch lives unfold, see how people interact, appreciate the infinite nuances of humanity, but never have to be a part of it. To float endlessly forever without expectation or concern and just watch things happen on and on forever.
But as I said, it doesn't really work out.
In nineteen days, I will be 21 years old. Birthdays I think are always a little depressing. This one, I'm particularly expecting to be unsatisfied with. After 21, there are no age milestones until 30. This is the age where you're usually expected to have a pretty clear idea of how things are going to be in your life. Aside from being president, there's nothing you're not old enough to do. So now I can drive, gamble, smoke, and drink. But I still don't do the first two and don't plan to do the last two.
Beyond that, this is about the age when the body is finally done developing. Which means that after this point, I'm no longer growing, I'm just aging. I think I always hoped when I was a teenager that I would someday be an adult and have just figured things out. That at some point, all of the things that bothered me as an adolescent would just stop mattering, that I would have confidence, that I would just be a full and complete human being, capable, dependable, self-sufficient and mighty.
Instead, here I am now on the verge of being undeniably an adult, and all I can do is stare in the mirror. Look deep, and know that the face that looks back at me is the same one that I'll see every day from now on.
Therapy is this Thursday, and that day can't come soon enough. I've started disliking myself again over the last few weeks, and I have no idea why.
Back in Japanese class, I used to arrive late a lot for some reason. Usually about 10-15 minutes or so. When this happened, I would just walk in, and sit down. My teacher, an elderly woman, would usually be distracted by writing something on the board, or something at her desk. As a result, it would sometimes be more than a few minutes before she'd suddenly see me, and say "Oh! When did you get here?" She wasn't mad, just shocked; somehow she never managed to see me walk in, only noticed my absence and then sudden presence. And the first time it happened, she christened me with this phrase I've been mulling over: "kaze no you ni": "like the wind".
It's sort of funny that for as little as I like being out in nature, as little as I care about the environment in general, my life has taken on strange elemental qualities. I talk about my mind as a big ocean, I talk about my trips to the city as being lost in a landscape of concrete, and I try to live my life sort of like the wind. Quiet, unseen, present but untouchable. For as long as I can remember, I've tried to go through life affecting as little as possible. It doesn't really ever work out, of course. Usually something drags me out of silence or inaction. People want me to talk, or want me to do things. And of course, sometimes I want to do things too. But overall, my oldest, fondest wish in life has been to be a ghost. To just watch lives unfold, see how people interact, appreciate the infinite nuances of humanity, but never have to be a part of it. To float endlessly forever without expectation or concern and just watch things happen on and on forever.
But as I said, it doesn't really work out.
In nineteen days, I will be 21 years old. Birthdays I think are always a little depressing. This one, I'm particularly expecting to be unsatisfied with. After 21, there are no age milestones until 30. This is the age where you're usually expected to have a pretty clear idea of how things are going to be in your life. Aside from being president, there's nothing you're not old enough to do. So now I can drive, gamble, smoke, and drink. But I still don't do the first two and don't plan to do the last two.
Beyond that, this is about the age when the body is finally done developing. Which means that after this point, I'm no longer growing, I'm just aging. I think I always hoped when I was a teenager that I would someday be an adult and have just figured things out. That at some point, all of the things that bothered me as an adolescent would just stop mattering, that I would have confidence, that I would just be a full and complete human being, capable, dependable, self-sufficient and mighty.
Instead, here I am now on the verge of being undeniably an adult, and all I can do is stare in the mirror. Look deep, and know that the face that looks back at me is the same one that I'll see every day from now on.
Therapy is this Thursday, and that day can't come soon enough. I've started disliking myself again over the last few weeks, and I have no idea why.