(no subject)
the camping idea that was a whole 2 posts ago never goes well with my buddies. i may go on my own. i need this as a cleansing experience. alone on psychedelics can be confusing sometimes though....
there are only a select few people i can trip with anymore. the rest make me uncomfortable because when i have a problem with someone i usually keep it inside as to not piss anyone off. i go for the no enemy life, but i think in turn this is causing a lot of my problems. a good phenethylamine usually lets me gather my thoughts rather well on these subjects. a nice theraputic dose of MDMA would do wonders for me now.
consciousness is probably the best and worst thing a human could be blessed (or cursed) with. i may be alone on that thought.
this house is beginning to disgust me. i dont know why. could be because i dont have any place to be alone anymore besides my bedroom which doesnt even have music anymore.
i was thinking about genetics and how evolution and parent traits work... the male produces new sperm cells once about every 5 minutes or so... that means new genetic blueprints according to the chemicals floating around in the fathers body. my dad was on a lot of coke when i was concieved. yeah im a crack baby.
some would say that cocaine couldnt fuck up genetics, but what if when my dad was on it and i was concieved his hightened dopamine/norepinephrine leveles got programmed into the blueprints as being normal... i can easily describe my entire life as a giant coked out frenzy with a reeeeallll shitty comedown where my norepinephrine(adrenaline) levels hightened and my dopamine levels fell to rock bottom lows, post-puberty.
i know you guys must think this as an insane thought. but i need reason, or my life is meaningless. call it hypocondria, call it anxiety disorder, call me insane behind my back. but man, just done tell me im wrong to my face about these things unless you have possibilities that make more sense than mine... it only does more mental damage.
...got into an argument with my sister yesterday. she ended it with telling me i need to go get help and get some pills and then i stormed out of the room as usual and drove around or something.. i cant even remember. i dont think about driving when im in a rage, only the thoughts that made me drive. YEAH i need help. YEAH i probly (no matter how sarcastic you put it, sis) need to take fuckin pills everyday now to be somewhat normal and non suicidal. this alone is one of the most depressing fucking thoughts i have. i want help, but there is no one to provide it without rediculous sums of money i dont have. all of the doctors ive been to are quacks and dont know shit about what im feeling - or so i assume since they have only fucked me up worse.
if i bring this shit up about needing some help to my mom, she bitches about me not having a job and how i need to pay her for court fees. she doesnt realize i need some help before i have a job, because waking up without pain every morning is my 1st thing to do on my list.
this will most likely mean nothing to her even if she reads it. sometimes i hope she does, but damnit if she doesnt seem to just keep yelling at me about taking out some trash, or getting another application or 5 today.
i know i mostly post negative things on LJ but i cant find time or the right people to talk about them to in everyday life. i for one think that the shitty things need to be talked abotu just as much as the good, but am not one to bring them up in conversation as much as i need to or in the right way for that matter.
another day, another post about my misery.
there are only a select few people i can trip with anymore. the rest make me uncomfortable because when i have a problem with someone i usually keep it inside as to not piss anyone off. i go for the no enemy life, but i think in turn this is causing a lot of my problems. a good phenethylamine usually lets me gather my thoughts rather well on these subjects. a nice theraputic dose of MDMA would do wonders for me now.
consciousness is probably the best and worst thing a human could be blessed (or cursed) with. i may be alone on that thought.
this house is beginning to disgust me. i dont know why. could be because i dont have any place to be alone anymore besides my bedroom which doesnt even have music anymore.
i was thinking about genetics and how evolution and parent traits work... the male produces new sperm cells once about every 5 minutes or so... that means new genetic blueprints according to the chemicals floating around in the fathers body. my dad was on a lot of coke when i was concieved. yeah im a crack baby.
some would say that cocaine couldnt fuck up genetics, but what if when my dad was on it and i was concieved his hightened dopamine/norepinephrine leveles got programmed into the blueprints as being normal... i can easily describe my entire life as a giant coked out frenzy with a reeeeallll shitty comedown where my norepinephrine(adrenaline) levels hightened and my dopamine levels fell to rock bottom lows, post-puberty.
i know you guys must think this as an insane thought. but i need reason, or my life is meaningless. call it hypocondria, call it anxiety disorder, call me insane behind my back. but man, just done tell me im wrong to my face about these things unless you have possibilities that make more sense than mine... it only does more mental damage.
...got into an argument with my sister yesterday. she ended it with telling me i need to go get help and get some pills and then i stormed out of the room as usual and drove around or something.. i cant even remember. i dont think about driving when im in a rage, only the thoughts that made me drive. YEAH i need help. YEAH i probly (no matter how sarcastic you put it, sis) need to take fuckin pills everyday now to be somewhat normal and non suicidal. this alone is one of the most depressing fucking thoughts i have. i want help, but there is no one to provide it without rediculous sums of money i dont have. all of the doctors ive been to are quacks and dont know shit about what im feeling - or so i assume since they have only fucked me up worse.
if i bring this shit up about needing some help to my mom, she bitches about me not having a job and how i need to pay her for court fees. she doesnt realize i need some help before i have a job, because waking up without pain every morning is my 1st thing to do on my list.
this will most likely mean nothing to her even if she reads it. sometimes i hope she does, but damnit if she doesnt seem to just keep yelling at me about taking out some trash, or getting another application or 5 today.
i know i mostly post negative things on LJ but i cant find time or the right people to talk about them to in everyday life. i for one think that the shitty things need to be talked abotu just as much as the good, but am not one to bring them up in conversation as much as i need to or in the right way for that matter.
another day, another post about my misery.