My personal trigger: Betrayal
Something about yesterday's incident with Crystal set off a chain of events that I recognized right away, but could not quite pinpoint why it was happening. Right after I found out about her suspicions of me, I felt betrayed as a friend. To put trust and time into someone and being returned with a figurative slap in the face has never set well with me, as it would with anyone else.....But with me there's something more, something far deeper. It's a kickstarter towards a relapse of depression, a part of my life which I believe I have surpassed but never quite evade entirely. I get extremely agitated, uncomfortable, suspicious of others (often making up worst-case scenarios in my mind), anxious, and quite frankly, shocked. It's not before long that the quasi-comatose stage sets in where I yearn to yell out at random and at anyone around me and create chaos, but am strapped down by my ethics and rational thinking (i.e. What will happen to what you damage, will other people hear and call for unnecessary help, will this really make me feel better, what will this accomplish, etc etc etc). This point-counterpoint internal struggle sets my mind off into a frenzy, while maintaining a stone face up front. Combine that with being in a social setting (friends, dinner with family) and the emotions become amplified tenfold, and so does the poker face.
I'm saying this because all these feelings surfaced yesterday and part of today. It really became evident during dinner as the feelings started brooding and the mind kept conjuring. All the while I was stuck at the dinner table among relatives. Yeah going AWOL in front of family isn't a good thing (case & point of rationalizing). I was ready to do a sort of controlled breakdown to deal with the sadness, but it's like an invisible barrier is between my brain and tear ducts because I could never get to the point of shedding tears. However, those few minutes of reflection with Lorenna in the background and Minna (a real good friend) on MSN cleared everything up quite quickly. I guess I have learned something from my past experiences with depression after all. I'm better now, but for awhile there it was quite scary. I never worried that I'd go slitting a wrist or snapping a neck, but I knew that I had to do something right away before shit really hit the fan.
I really felt as if I accomplished something vital through this whole ordeal; Understanding the trigger of my sadness, and knowing how to disperse it before it has a chance to consume me. Thank goodness for self-control and for real friends.
I'm saying this because all these feelings surfaced yesterday and part of today. It really became evident during dinner as the feelings started brooding and the mind kept conjuring. All the while I was stuck at the dinner table among relatives. Yeah going AWOL in front of family isn't a good thing (case & point of rationalizing). I was ready to do a sort of controlled breakdown to deal with the sadness, but it's like an invisible barrier is between my brain and tear ducts because I could never get to the point of shedding tears. However, those few minutes of reflection with Lorenna in the background and Minna (a real good friend) on MSN cleared everything up quite quickly. I guess I have learned something from my past experiences with depression after all. I'm better now, but for awhile there it was quite scary. I never worried that I'd go slitting a wrist or snapping a neck, but I knew that I had to do something right away before shit really hit the fan.
I really felt as if I accomplished something vital through this whole ordeal; Understanding the trigger of my sadness, and knowing how to disperse it before it has a chance to consume me. Thank goodness for self-control and for real friends.