Reaching the summit
I have trouble reaching the summit. All my life I never really felt I've reached any summit. Climbing mountains to reach the peak, life is always about trying to reach a peak. I feel like I'm still trying to reach it when perhaps I've already reached a lot of peaks, and I've already walked on a lot of mountains.
This is my last sprint, this is finally the end of the semester when I know deep down I've worked so hard on. I have trouble running this last sprint and it is certainly the most important one.
I went for a walk, I needed to breathe, to breathe deeply to connect with my emotions, my mind and body. Figuring out if I'll ever reach the end of this long journey.
I certainly feel different, but I'm not sure if I'm proud yet. Echoes in my head tell me I could just give it one more push and that extra push will lead me to a new mountain, a new horizon, another new beginning.
Just like one day you're a toddler running around, the next day, you just want to become somebody, anybody.
I live by 'you grow, you learn and you move on.' I've certainly developed an issue about accepting that I've grown, learned and moved on. This year, I went from disappointing myself to realizing that I can take those mistakes and learn from it and I have, but accepting it, I'm not so sure or it's because I'm not convinced.
I think the problem too is the fact that I surprise myself a lot with what I can do, able to give and able to receive. If I compare my state of mind back in January to now, I can honestly say I'm different, but how different am I? It boggles my mind.
Things are getting better and when they are, I feel the need to stop. I feel the need to find something so obscure to ruin the moment. I seek the feeling of discombobulation at those times just to feel human again. That's my problem. My problem is that I feel as though I don't deserve this treatment. I've longed for this for so long and here I am, and I can't simply appreciate it or better yet, I feel as though I'm not worthy of it.
But as I write this entry, I won't fall for being the victim. I do deserve this. I felt ruined because of you, you and a lot of you's. However, as I go through the last few days of 2008, I can say that I deserve all that is happening right now and I'm thankful.
I'm thankful that I can finally acknowledge that I am reaching a summit of my life I've always dreamed to reach. I'm reaching the summit of an ending to this long journey and I am certainly proud of what I have done, accomplished and become.
The image of letting go of old habits, people and a lifestyle was only a picture but here I am, living in that picture. It would probably never come across your mind that I did it, but I did. And to you, you and all of you's, I am genuinely happy. And to you, you and all of you's who always believed in me, you are my reason to push further and potentially become the 'extra' in ordinary.