The end of and era
Well, its over. I am single now. Amelia broke up with me today, well it was kinda mutual in the sense that I didn't want to work it out anymore, at least not when she had been so hurtful.
She doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore... Talk about ripping my heart out and spitting on it. I am already insecure with my body image and my sexual preformance and now, now... That is what is going to eat at me forever.
I can't help but question everything now that we shared, its just the way I am. How much was just her stalling, her trying to appease me? All I ever asked for in our relationship was honesty and in the end she was lied to me. I am very very bitter about this right now. I am hurt.
I wish more than anything that this didn't happen. Lord do I wish that she would be flying in next thursday. I would be waiting there with a dozen roses and a big smile. It just kills me that the women I love doesn't find me attractive. It kills me that there is nothing that I can do to fix that. It kills me that I have lost the most initmate relationship that I have ever had.
I will always love her, and that means I will always be jealous of her. Hearing about her life without me will be like twisting the poisoned dager in my heart. To be honest, I think it might just drive me crazy.
On the other hand there is always the chance that we could get back together, but that is so slim and will always be tainted by this. I don't think I could ever forgive her for this, I can understand it, but forgive it? She isn't the most attractive person that I have dated, she is a brat, she is vulgar, and she is difficult, but everything I loved and everything made me love her more. I couldn't stay mad at her, I couldn't imagine a world where we didn't ... dare I say it ... end up together.
Now,now I feel discarded. I never changed, I just loved her more. She got cold feet and aparently I don't turn her crank anymore. AUGH it just kills me. Can't work through it can't figure out what is going on, just end it. I could explode right now.
I took down all her pictures about two hours after we hung up. I am determined not to let her become another Grace. I will not let my self hang on to the past and die a little every day waiting for the impossible to happen. It isn't healthy. The faster I put her behind me the faster we can be friends again.
I don't know how that will be. Everything about her reminds me about how I love her. Then again I never want to hurt her, and if I try to be friends with her before i get over her all I will do is try to hurt her subconiously.
I need a hug. I need to know that it will be ok. All my plans... all my dreams need to be reevaluated. Its the little things that I really would have liked to do, like go camping, introduce her to my grandma. I can't ever do that again. I can't make love with her under the stars on the trampoline. I can't go back. No one can replace her and I am not looking for someone to. But damnit I am going to miss her... all of her, her farts, they way she looks in the morning, her smile, her laugh, her squeek she would make when I tickled her, her pigheadedness, that urge I had to shower her with gifts, our bickering, makeing love, waking up to her, going to sleep to her, damnit I will miss everything.
I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.
And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.
And when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon the sending.
and that frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
and this is guiding you home.
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
...
Oh to be anyone else right now...
She doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore... Talk about ripping my heart out and spitting on it. I am already insecure with my body image and my sexual preformance and now, now... That is what is going to eat at me forever.
I can't help but question everything now that we shared, its just the way I am. How much was just her stalling, her trying to appease me? All I ever asked for in our relationship was honesty and in the end she was lied to me. I am very very bitter about this right now. I am hurt.
I wish more than anything that this didn't happen. Lord do I wish that she would be flying in next thursday. I would be waiting there with a dozen roses and a big smile. It just kills me that the women I love doesn't find me attractive. It kills me that there is nothing that I can do to fix that. It kills me that I have lost the most initmate relationship that I have ever had.
I will always love her, and that means I will always be jealous of her. Hearing about her life without me will be like twisting the poisoned dager in my heart. To be honest, I think it might just drive me crazy.
On the other hand there is always the chance that we could get back together, but that is so slim and will always be tainted by this. I don't think I could ever forgive her for this, I can understand it, but forgive it? She isn't the most attractive person that I have dated, she is a brat, she is vulgar, and she is difficult, but everything I loved and everything made me love her more. I couldn't stay mad at her, I couldn't imagine a world where we didn't ... dare I say it ... end up together.
Now,now I feel discarded. I never changed, I just loved her more. She got cold feet and aparently I don't turn her crank anymore. AUGH it just kills me. Can't work through it can't figure out what is going on, just end it. I could explode right now.
I took down all her pictures about two hours after we hung up. I am determined not to let her become another Grace. I will not let my self hang on to the past and die a little every day waiting for the impossible to happen. It isn't healthy. The faster I put her behind me the faster we can be friends again.
I don't know how that will be. Everything about her reminds me about how I love her. Then again I never want to hurt her, and if I try to be friends with her before i get over her all I will do is try to hurt her subconiously.
I need a hug. I need to know that it will be ok. All my plans... all my dreams need to be reevaluated. Its the little things that I really would have liked to do, like go camping, introduce her to my grandma. I can't ever do that again. I can't make love with her under the stars on the trampoline. I can't go back. No one can replace her and I am not looking for someone to. But damnit I am going to miss her... all of her, her farts, they way she looks in the morning, her smile, her laugh, her squeek she would make when I tickled her, her pigheadedness, that urge I had to shower her with gifts, our bickering, makeing love, waking up to her, going to sleep to her, damnit I will miss everything.
I am thinking it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate
that God Himself did make
us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay.
And true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this that catch
my troubled head when you're away
and when I am missing you to death.
And when you are out there on the road
for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home.
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
I tried my best to leave
this all on your machine
but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon the sending.
and that frankly will not fly
you'll hear the shrillest highs
and lowest lows with the windows down
and this is guiding you home.
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
they will see us waving from such great heights
"come down now" they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
"come down now" but we'll stay
...
Oh to be anyone else right now...