(no subject)
life is kinda confusing at this point. alots been going on. alot of stuff that is complete nothingness to everyone else in this world, but to me its alot. i'm not the kinda person thats just going to open up and talk about how i feel. i only do that with one person in my life. someone who i know cant hurt me. i just wish she was here. it'd make life so much easier, to have someone here to talk to. other than it being through an instant message or a phone call. but no matter how we communicate, shes always there for me. i've still got that guy here, that's my best friend. or atleast i'd like to think so. i dont know for sure if its the same way in his mind anymore. i've basically started feel replaced. i mean yeah, we're great friends, but its nothing how it used to be. i feel like hes hiding things from me. and he used to tell me everything. and its times like this that i absolutley hate the memories. they break my heart. knowing how it used to be and knowing its never ever going to be that way again. i hate that. i hate it so much. i just want life to be okay. i want to go to school like any normal person and enjoy it. i hate that place. people go there to see friends, but i dont have anything. everything ive got is music, dance, and tori. but shes in alabama. i just want to be loved by something. i want someone to care for me and tell me its okay to be unsure of these things going on in my life. i want that person back. i want to have that person make me happy again, but this person has someone else. and im just this nothingness.
i dont want to let all these things get to me anymore life could be amazing in one month. and just one word can change it. tori can be here in one month to come visit for about 4 days during my holiday show im in. the only way this could all happen is if her grandma decides to go with the plan and say yes. and if not we'll be devistated. cause its such a simple plan (heh ew bad plug) and there isnt much expense to this trip. once they get here i could drive them around. it just works out so perfectly inside my mind. but to everyone else it seems impossible and they cant see that it can truley work. but who are we kidding that someone might ACTUALLY believe in something we want to do. HAH what a joke. but were going to keep our hopes up, and when we find out what her grandmas answer is then thats when we either pass out from happiness or cry because of sadness. now her doctor is delaying something that she has to get done, pushing the date further back of when she is supposed to move here. that was another ordeal we've got now. her doctor is stupid and cant speak and has a lazy eye according to tor. god what i'd do for some oreo pie right now...anyways. i was going to take a shower but then decided not to. so yeah. this is it. i'm done for the night.