ITS A GOOD DAY, I THINK
Well today was MUCH better at school. My major problem was with calc. That class intimidated me and scared the shit out of me yesturday. But all i needed was for Dawson to crack a joke. He goes, "you know, its ok to leave the radical under the denominator" and then he says this in a high pitched voice as to imitate mrs. nelson "omg mrs. nelson is comming to get me." And the he goes, "Its annoying, when you do that" and he is laughing when he says it and the whole class laughed too. That was what i needed to make me feel comfortable in that class, just an ice breaker. Other than that, drawing was awesome because we drew our hands while not looking and mine looked like a tree on crack. Oh and some freshman had to sing old mcdonald and make pig noises, that was so funny. But yea, im glad i have bill, and dan, and zwally, and rye in one if not more of my classes. It makes my day a lot nicer when i can sit next to a friend and have someone to talk to. I usually dont have that, but this year i do, except in religion class rye is in there but i dont talk to him cuz hes behind me and has other people to talk to instead. Thats ok i guess. kinda feels bad, but theres nothing to be done, its a prearanged seating chart. But its not like history last year at all. Nope its not. I think its funny though that zwally follows me around half the day. You know, thats why i liked history so much last year. Me and rye joked around most of the time, cards, music, talk. good times those were. Anyways, another thing that i have done different this year is lunch. I usually dont go to lunch. But going in there like i have been really is more of a break than going ot the library. It makes the day more enjoyable. It really is a good change, and its great that i can go and know that i have a seat at a table. Makes me feel good. But yea, things have changed. One day ill be thinking some people dont want to have anything to do with me, and the next day its the total opposite. Its hard to judge for me when things are going good, but it seems like one day ill think the whole world is against me, and then the next day someone will say something to me or do something to me or invite me somewhere that makes me feel like im a friend again. Maybe its just people having bad days. But i dont know. It felt like i was just at the point over the summer where i didnt have to ask myself if i had true friends, and i knew that when the time came when i wouldnt have to ask myself that, it would be the time when i actually DID have true friends. And up till today, i felt like things were reverting. I felt like things were going back to the way they used to be when i was kinda a loner. But then like i said, friends come up to you and make you feel alright again. I get crossed signals all the time. I want things to be back the way there were before when i didnt have to worry about making someone mad, or trying to fix myself whenever someone has a problem. Thats the way it was a few months ago. But know, i have to watch what i say, do, who i talk to, how i talk to them, what i wear, how i wear it, when i call people, what i talk about when i call, the amount of times i can call, when to be included, when to not be. I mean im literally afraid to talk to some people or say something around others because im afraid of what it might do. Or i might get yelled at. OR it might come out the wrong way. I dont wanted to be limited anymore, i just want things to be ok. I want to be able to tell certain people problems that i have without them thinking im blowing things up. I want to share my problems and listen to others. I dont want to think about things before i do them anymore around my friends. Because thats not how it used to be. And it was a lot better before. im feeling distance. Distance not just for me, but for everyone. People are moving away. And i just want to stay as close as we all can until graduation. There will be plenty of time for distance later when we leave for colledge. But now, i want friendship, and companionship. A friend to talk to whenever i need to, and not have to worry about making him upset. I feel like friendships have stepped down a notch for me. People arent as close of friends as they used to be. And i just want to hang on to that until i have to let it go. And now, is definately not the time. I wish myself luck, and everyone else luck at making this last year (a year of FIRSTS and LASTS) the best year ever. END