finally quiet.
its been 4 days since i've been back from california and i still don't know what to make of my birthday trip back home.
I was sooo excited to go back and then i feel like i remembered why i left in the first place.
soo much pain and drama. I have fallen in love with the city of sacramento. i think, driving through the streets and being at a party my family threw made me realize how sacramento is truly the "american dream"
I don't mean white picket fences and good fortune. i mean people getting along and knowing how to live together in a diverse environment, having a good time and enjoying good food. so many different people from all different walks of life where there. and only in Sacramento, is this possible.
The trees sang to me. the air was clean and crisp. and all the familiar things that i had longed for, i got to enjoy once again. but all i did with jasmine was fight. over bullshit. it was just so much. fighting over where to go for our birthday. me getting upset at her over her uncontrollable behavior. (or what she likes to call ride or die)
I mean, i came to sacramento glowing, floating even, -with happiness to announce my engagement to the love of my life and to celebrate it with my friends and relatives. My friend who took our engagement photos finally posted the selected shots and instead of relish in the delight of these photos, she laughs. I mean we agreed to do the photos to help promote Ole too,so some of the poses where not really "us"but her laugh was loud, deliberate and downright cold. her fuckin ex boyfriend in his drunken stupor, even advised me against my engagement. stating that i have too much passion for lucas, he wouldn't be able to handle it. ??? i don't think he realized how stupid he looked in his position of EX boyfriend. i mean come on! he is the ex for a reason. but yet jasmine still felt like i SHOULD still hang out with kiel on my vacation because she felt like he "meant well."
Of course, she ended up calling me the day before my flight back to baltimore and said, I got tomorrow morning off to take u to the airport" we kicked it at crystals until 5 am. thinking we would go back to moms sleep and then she would see me off. she decides to drop me off by myself instead, so she could go to kiels to do god knows what. she of course promised to be back in 5 hours to take me. instead she calls me 5 minutes before i leave to tell me that she will be there asap. i screamed at her over the phone, "forget it." it was more important to be impractical and to see kiel then to see your sister off. i mean, we dont even live in the same city anymore. goodbye"
there is just so much that happened. the best way to really explain it, is this excerpt that I read in the book I am finishing up. It is called , Insecure at last by Eve Ensler.
"There is a power that comes out of surrendering to grief and a power that is the result of refusing it. I think they are two very different types of power. The one that emerges through allowing grief feels clean, purged and inclusive. You have experienced pain and grief so you would not want to inflict it on someone else. The kind of power that emerges through denial of grief or the resistance to grief is aggressive power. It is trying to conquer something, annihilate something, and overcome something. It emerges out of fear and a need to protect oneself from a feeling, which then becomes a country, a people, et cetera. It is inauthentic power in order to manipulate, bully, or deny. Because the central energy of this power is rooted in control or maintaining the illusion of control. The power is based on pushing something away. The power is based on the belief that there are victims and perpetrators. Usually the person wielding the power believes he is the victim and that some person or many people are out to get him. To grieve would mean letting go of this position, letting go of the need for position, the need for strategy or defense, being lost in the wave of grief. It would mean surrender."
this excerpt got me on the inside. I am too familiar with this feeling, dealing with this power.the power that is the American government. American society, american way of life. and the power that is my sister and my mother. the result of people not knowing how to deal with their grief and pain.
just like Maya said, "hurt people, hurt people." you see. they are the exact same person. and it was funny i used to say to myself. if jasmine is turning out to be more and more like mom, then i should be happy because its like i am getting to know my mother more. but i think after i have had some time apart and the time to grieve and heal. i see this resemblance as more trouble than anything else. the sign that both of them just don't know how to deal with whatever it is that is bothering them.
I used to feel bad and guilty about the last couple of years. how depressed i was. how much i used to cry. How my insomnia from anxiety used to paralyze me and consume me. but i allowed myself to grieve and to cry all those nights. i allowed my self to feel. to live. i understand now that this is how its always been. to them, i was always known as the dramatic one. always asking to many questions. the only reason why they said this is because i was talking and not silent. It was amazing because I wanted to cry in sacramento. I wanted to scream and throw things and go crazy but even being in that environment, it was so strong. The need to be quiet. I just kept it in. I didn't feel like myself. I was surrounded by people in a home that forbids talking about it.
Arriving back in sacramento. made me remember the chaos and the stinging that certain people can give me. and all of a sudden I realized Sacramento is no longer home to me. Lucas is.
i got into baltimore around almost midnight on the friday. Got home, even after all that jet lag i couldn't sleep. i just cried. i am light years away from them. i need to face the issues, not hide from them. you see people often think my move to the east coast was just "running away from the problem" but after years of grieving and trying, trying,trying so hard to heal from a past that still haunts me. Getting away from them, away from the unhealthy energy is the only thing that has helped. I am a new person because of Baltimore. I am a city dweller. I am involved. i live in a real home. and finally, finally, finally i have a quiet and normal life. i have a man that loves me no matter what. who takes care of me. and have a family that calls me just to ask how i am doing.They see me for who i am and am trying to be. they know me and my heart. They even called me when i was in sacramento just to tell me that they love me and they missed me. I am getting where i want to be and accepting what is and what is not. and i am home, finally.
I was sooo excited to go back and then i feel like i remembered why i left in the first place.
soo much pain and drama. I have fallen in love with the city of sacramento. i think, driving through the streets and being at a party my family threw made me realize how sacramento is truly the "american dream"
I don't mean white picket fences and good fortune. i mean people getting along and knowing how to live together in a diverse environment, having a good time and enjoying good food. so many different people from all different walks of life where there. and only in Sacramento, is this possible.
The trees sang to me. the air was clean and crisp. and all the familiar things that i had longed for, i got to enjoy once again. but all i did with jasmine was fight. over bullshit. it was just so much. fighting over where to go for our birthday. me getting upset at her over her uncontrollable behavior. (or what she likes to call ride or die)
I mean, i came to sacramento glowing, floating even, -with happiness to announce my engagement to the love of my life and to celebrate it with my friends and relatives. My friend who took our engagement photos finally posted the selected shots and instead of relish in the delight of these photos, she laughs. I mean we agreed to do the photos to help promote Ole too,so some of the poses where not really "us"but her laugh was loud, deliberate and downright cold. her fuckin ex boyfriend in his drunken stupor, even advised me against my engagement. stating that i have too much passion for lucas, he wouldn't be able to handle it. ??? i don't think he realized how stupid he looked in his position of EX boyfriend. i mean come on! he is the ex for a reason. but yet jasmine still felt like i SHOULD still hang out with kiel on my vacation because she felt like he "meant well."
Of course, she ended up calling me the day before my flight back to baltimore and said, I got tomorrow morning off to take u to the airport" we kicked it at crystals until 5 am. thinking we would go back to moms sleep and then she would see me off. she decides to drop me off by myself instead, so she could go to kiels to do god knows what. she of course promised to be back in 5 hours to take me. instead she calls me 5 minutes before i leave to tell me that she will be there asap. i screamed at her over the phone, "forget it." it was more important to be impractical and to see kiel then to see your sister off. i mean, we dont even live in the same city anymore. goodbye"
there is just so much that happened. the best way to really explain it, is this excerpt that I read in the book I am finishing up. It is called , Insecure at last by Eve Ensler.
"There is a power that comes out of surrendering to grief and a power that is the result of refusing it. I think they are two very different types of power. The one that emerges through allowing grief feels clean, purged and inclusive. You have experienced pain and grief so you would not want to inflict it on someone else. The kind of power that emerges through denial of grief or the resistance to grief is aggressive power. It is trying to conquer something, annihilate something, and overcome something. It emerges out of fear and a need to protect oneself from a feeling, which then becomes a country, a people, et cetera. It is inauthentic power in order to manipulate, bully, or deny. Because the central energy of this power is rooted in control or maintaining the illusion of control. The power is based on pushing something away. The power is based on the belief that there are victims and perpetrators. Usually the person wielding the power believes he is the victim and that some person or many people are out to get him. To grieve would mean letting go of this position, letting go of the need for position, the need for strategy or defense, being lost in the wave of grief. It would mean surrender."
this excerpt got me on the inside. I am too familiar with this feeling, dealing with this power.the power that is the American government. American society, american way of life. and the power that is my sister and my mother. the result of people not knowing how to deal with their grief and pain.
just like Maya said, "hurt people, hurt people." you see. they are the exact same person. and it was funny i used to say to myself. if jasmine is turning out to be more and more like mom, then i should be happy because its like i am getting to know my mother more. but i think after i have had some time apart and the time to grieve and heal. i see this resemblance as more trouble than anything else. the sign that both of them just don't know how to deal with whatever it is that is bothering them.
I used to feel bad and guilty about the last couple of years. how depressed i was. how much i used to cry. How my insomnia from anxiety used to paralyze me and consume me. but i allowed myself to grieve and to cry all those nights. i allowed my self to feel. to live. i understand now that this is how its always been. to them, i was always known as the dramatic one. always asking to many questions. the only reason why they said this is because i was talking and not silent. It was amazing because I wanted to cry in sacramento. I wanted to scream and throw things and go crazy but even being in that environment, it was so strong. The need to be quiet. I just kept it in. I didn't feel like myself. I was surrounded by people in a home that forbids talking about it.
Arriving back in sacramento. made me remember the chaos and the stinging that certain people can give me. and all of a sudden I realized Sacramento is no longer home to me. Lucas is.
i got into baltimore around almost midnight on the friday. Got home, even after all that jet lag i couldn't sleep. i just cried. i am light years away from them. i need to face the issues, not hide from them. you see people often think my move to the east coast was just "running away from the problem" but after years of grieving and trying, trying,trying so hard to heal from a past that still haunts me. Getting away from them, away from the unhealthy energy is the only thing that has helped. I am a new person because of Baltimore. I am a city dweller. I am involved. i live in a real home. and finally, finally, finally i have a quiet and normal life. i have a man that loves me no matter what. who takes care of me. and have a family that calls me just to ask how i am doing.They see me for who i am and am trying to be. they know me and my heart. They even called me when i was in sacramento just to tell me that they love me and they missed me. I am getting where i want to be and accepting what is and what is not. and i am home, finally.