FIC: All That I Am (1/?)
Title: All That I Am (1/?)
Author: blamslaine
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Sam, Brittany, Blaine, Karofsky (mentions of Brittana, Bartie, past Klaine) Sam-centric
Rating: PG-13 (for now)
Warnings: Up through 2x16 Original Song then it goes AU.
Word Count: 4676
Disclaimer: Don't own Glee, wish I did.
Image by: bitterbird
Summary: Sadly, the entire past half hour or so was just one more thing to be added on to an ever-growing list of things that proved, in the end, Sam Evans just wasn’t good enough.
Sam Evans had been called a lot of things in his young life and unfortunately none of them were ever good. Not being good enough seemed to be the recurring theme for him. He wasn’t smart enough as far as teachers were concerned. Mr. Schuester and Coach Beiste were really the only exceptions to that, and that was only because the two of them looked at their students as more than just seat warmers. It was strange at first, but it was a nice change of pace from the teachers at his old school who accused him of using his dyslexia as a way of slacking off
What the teachers said to him hurt but not as much as when he thought of what the people he considered his friends thought of him. Sam tried to fit in with the guys, but he definitely burnt some bridges when Coach decided to start him instead of Finn. Sure, it wasn’t his fault but that didn’t stop Finn from taking the news badly. It was a shame because Sam didn’t want to make any waves at McKinley. He just wanted to go about his days and not feel miserable.
Sam wasn’t anywhere near as dumb as people thought he was, so he knew the whole duet thing had just been a way of getting him to join New Directions without feeling like he was being pushed into it. He could let that go though because he ended up dating Quinn as a result.
Of course that was when the universe decided to play the “you’re not good enough” card again. Sam had put everything into trying to make his relationship with Quinn work, but in the end he just wasn’t enough for her. When he found out she was cheating on him, all Sam wanted to do was to know why.
Why did Quinn use him; why wasn’t he enough for her? No, scratch that. What Sam really wanted to know was why Quinn was so willing to give up on him for Finn; why was Finn suddenly good enough for her when she cheated on him and got pregnant by his best friend last year? But Sam was too much of a nice guy to ever hurt Quinn, or anyone, like that no matter how much they hurt him. Not that anyone thought Sam was looking out for Quinn’s feelings when he started dating Santana practically the next day.
Santana was completely different than Quinn. For one thing, she was definitely more physical and took every chance she had to show it. He had heard all the rumors about her; about how “evil” she was, among other things. At the end of the day though, she was the only one of Sam’s friends that had told him the truth.
He didn’t want to admit it, but Sam knew almost instantly that he and Santana wouldn’t last as a couple. She hated his “nerdy” side - which honestly Sam didn’t think was that bad - and treated him like he had a second head or something that time she left her backpack in the music room and asked him to get it. Sam made the mistake of saying: “Behold, as a wild ass in the desert, go I forth to my work.” It was like it was his fault that she had no idea what Dune was, let alone that it was a cult movie and book franchise hit.
He couldn’t say anything to her about it, but if he ever made a comment that didn’t agree with something Santana liked, he had better be prepared to catch hell, Santana wouldn’t put up with it, and she made a point of letting him know it as often as she could. Eventually Sam just stopped trying and shut himself down. It was easier to pretend to be everything his girlfriend needed him to be than to risk losing her because of the things he enjoyed.
Sam knew that he couldn’t keep the “off” button pushed indefinitely, so once again, in the end he just wasn’t good enough for Santana. She didn’t have to break up with him but when she sang “Trouty Mouth” to everyone, the writing was on the wall. He could live with never being good enough for someone, but there was no way in hell he was just going to sit around and be somebody’s punching bag.
Sam could hear the little voice in his head telling him that he needed to quit the pity party and just focus on what Mr. Schuester was saying. Glee Club was really the only thing Sam had left. He loved football, but he wasn’t starting anymore so, aside from practice, he didn’t have much to do. At least most of the team talked to him. Sure, it was just the guys from Glee Club, but considering the fact that all Sam did in Glee was just sit there and basically be ignored, he would take what he could get.
“Did you take too many antibiotics?”
Sam couldn’t help but jump when he heard Brittany’s voice. He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but some-how the two of them were the only ones left in the music room. “What?”
“The ones my doctor gives me make me forget how to walk out of a room sometimes.”
Sam sighed and grabbed his backpack. Brittany, in her own little way, always wanted everyone to be happy. It was next to impossible to be in a bad mood around her and right now that made Sam kind of hate her. He didn’t want to be in a good mood today. All he wanted to do was plow through the day, finish his homework, watch Avatar and fall asleep. “I’m not sick, Brittany.”
“That’s good. I don’t want to use those cough drops… they say they taste like cherries but they don’t.”
“What?” Now Sam was even more confused. He really needed to pay better attention. First he blacked out everything that happened in Glee and now Brittany was saying she would need cold medicine because of him.
“It’s our assignment for Glee. You’re going to teach me how to play guitar, and I’ll teach you how to dance.”
“Sorry, I kind of spaced out. Why didn’t you pair up with Artie?”
“It was Mr. Schue’s idea. My man’s legs don’t work, and he’s still a better dancer than you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Brittany grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled him out of the music room and into the hallway. “Something about opposites. He’s making Mike and Artie pair up so Mike focuses on singing. I think that’s why he wants us to work together, but I dunno. I got bored and started looking at my shoes.”
“You can let go of me, Brittany,” Sam said as he gently pulled his arm out of Brittany’s death grip.
“Sorry,” Brittany shrugged. “I’m used to pushing Artie around.”
In a matter of seconds, the strange duo found themselves standing in front of their lockers. Sam thought it was odd that it took the two of them the better part of the year to realize that their lockers were actually only two spaces apart. They had ultimately sort of been forced into hanging out regardless. Santana’s locker was between his and Brittany’s, so when he was dating Quinn, Sam would just stand there silently and stare into his locker while the three Cheerios talked about whatever it was that cheerleaders talked about. He never really paid much attention, which only got him into trouble the time Quinn asked him - and in teenage girl speak “ask” translates roughly into “you’re going to do this… or else” - to help her with something and Sam made the mistake about saying he needed to go pick up the latest World of Warcraft expansion pack. After Santana and Quinn had their fill of mocking him, they all agreed never to include him in the conversations again.
Of course that only got awkward once he and Quinn broke up. She went out of her way to avoid that particular hallway once Sam had told her he started going out with Santana. Now that he had ended things with Santana, she made a point of never being at her locker when Sam was using his. It was like the hallway was cursed or something; relationships came there to die and only the poor textbooks haphazardly shoved in the lockers suffered because their owners just stopped picking them up after the break up.
“When’s the assignment due?”
“I forget. Probably not tomorrow though, especially since you’re supposed to teach me how to play guitar. Quinn’s really smart - she can remember when she’s not telling the truth - and even she couldn’t learn from you in a day.”
The mention of Quinn’s name caused Sam to slam his Spanish book into his locker much more forcefully than he intended, which resulted in a loud bang. He was still upset with Quinn for cheating on him but what hurt him most of all was that Quinn managed to make Sam become the person he didn’t want to be. He was so pissed off at her that he hooked up with Santana. Deep down he knew it was going to hurt Quinn, but what made Sam feel bad about it was the fact that he hadn’t officially broken up with her before he hooked up with Santana. Sam didn’t ever want to be that kind of guy.
“I’m sorry,” Brittany said softly. “She’s my friend, Santana’s my friend too and I think you’re my friend. Finn took me to Breadstix once and Rachel paid me to wear her sweater; it’s confusing… I don’t know which side to take. If we do really well on our assignment, I’ll hate whoever you tell me to.”
Sam laughed. It wasn’t much but it was the first time all day he hadn’t felt depressed. “I don’t want you to hate anyone. The whole thing is just a messed up situation that I’d rather not talk about unless I have to. I just want to move on from the whole thing.”
Brittany shrugged. “We don’t even have to show up at Glee tomorrow. Everyone will be talking about Kurt being back anyway.”
“Wait, since when is Kurt coming back?”
“Since tomorrow. You really weren’t paying attention today, were you?”
Sam was glad to hear that Kurt was apparently returning to McKinley. Next to Brittany, Kurt was one of the few people that didn’t use him for their own endgame. And despite constantly insisting that he dyed his hair, Kurt was quite possibly the only person who actually took Sam at face value. He might not have been paying attention when Mr. Schue announced it, but Sam was glad Kurt was coming back and he was going to make sure that no one treated Kurt the way Karofsky did; at least if Sam had anything to say about it.
Sam had been so wrapped up with his internal struggle that he hadn’t noticed that someone was now standing next to Brittany.
“Brittany, right?”
Sam watched as Brittany clearly struggled with how best to acknowledge the new arrival. It didn’t shock Sam when Brittany began turning to her left. Anyone else would have made fun of Brittany for reacting that way, but Sam knew better than anyone that sometimes you just can’t help it if your brain makes you think a little differently. Instinctively Sam reached out, grabbing Brittany by the shoulders and turning her around in the opposite direction. He felt bad about grabbing her like that, but it had to have been better than letting her run head first into his locker door and giving her a concussion.
He had been moving on autopilot all day, but he had finally started to snap out of it enough for it to register how strange everything had played out so far. Sam felt like he had been transported into some bizzaro world. He had no idea what was going on with anything. Brittany had been helping to fill in the gaps on the things that he hadn’t been able to keep up with in Glee; that meant not only had he zoned out worse than usual, but this time he was so far gone that Brittany was more aware of what was going on than he was. And now Blaine what-was-his-last-name-anyway was standing there - he remembered Rachel calling him Blaine Warbler, but he was pretty sure that was just drunk talk. Although he couldn’t help but picture if that was really his real name, it would be so dorky that it would end up being kind of awesome. “Hi, I’m Blaine Warbler; I’m a member of The Warblers… I warble.”
In his head Sam could hear himself sigh. Evidently, in addition to easily zoning out, today he was equally as easily distracted. He really was trying his best to focus, but it just wasn’t going to happen apparently. So in this alternate reality Sam’s head had sucked him in to, he was spaced out, quiet and depressed. Brittany was acting as his mentor slash spirit guide, and Blaine - last name pending - was standing there in his Dalton Academy uniform. Okay, maybe the last part wasn’t so odd considering that Blaine and Kurt had practically become attached at the hip. But that didn’t explain why he was here the day before Kurt was supposed to come back.
“And you’re … Sam?”
“I am,” Sam cringed. There never was a good way to introduce himself without seeming like he was quoting Dr. Seuss. He always thought it was kind of fun until Santana pointed out how much of a dork it made him.
Sam watched as Brittany reached out and tried to run her hand through Blaine’s hair, but it was virtually impossible because of all the product in it - at least Sam thought that’s what it was. Either way it didn’t matter to him. It was kind of funny though, looking at Blaine with his hair all… whatever it was, and the Dalton uniform, Blaine sort of looked like the main character from Willard. He had never noticed it before, and it wasn’t technically a bad thing, unless he had come with an army of killer rats, hell bent on getting revenge on Kurt’s behalf.
“You have the hair - and the jacket of a serial killer,” Brittany said, finally pulling her hand off of the top of Blaine’s head. “I’ve seen enough movies to know if I talk to a stranger that looks like you, I’ll end up locked up in some basement.”
Brittany’s comment snapped Sam back to reality. It wasn’t easy though; he really wanted to spend a few minutes thinking about the possibility that Brittany had just read his mind. Sam knew that if he let Brittany keep talking, it wasn’t going to end well. It had taken a while for him to get used to Brittany’s particular way of going about the things she said and did; so there was no way that in the limited exposure Blaine had to them, that he’d be able to fully grasp her.
“He’s in the Warblers. He was at Rachel’s party with us. He sang with Rachel while you… um… danced on the washer machine.”
“Sorry,” Brittany said, finally taking her eyes off of Blaine’s hair. “I didn’t recognize you with my clothes on.”
“That’s completely understandable,” Blaine shrugged. “We’ve only met like four times. So this is McKinley, huh? It’s not quite how I pictured it. This is going to be -” Before Blaine could finish the sentence, Brittany was already cutting him off.
“This is boring, I’m going to leave. I’ll call you tonight about the assignment,” she said to Sam.
“Oh, okay,” Sam was rather shocked when Brittany wrapped her arms around him and gave him a friendly squeeze.
Brittany leaned in to Sam’s ear and somehow managed to speak in an even quieter tone of voice than she usually did. “He really does have serial killer hair. If he murders you, call me and I’ll send help.”
Sam couldn’t help but stare as Brittany walked off. He was partly in shock by how Brittany unintentionally ended up improving his mood, even though she had basically said she was assuming that she was leaving him to be murdered. But most of his reaction was pure awe. Nothing got the girl down; even when she was sad, she was still freakishly happy. Sam wished that he could have even one tenth of the same outlook on life that Brittany had.
“Well, isn’t she… special?”
Sam bit his lip as he felt an anger building up inside of him. He had always thought Kurt was a good judge of character - after all, he had been more than welcoming to Sam. But if Kurt considered the arrogant jackass standing in front of him a friend, then maybe Kurt was more traumatized by Karofsky than he had originally let on.
“What the hell is your problem?” Sam could feel himself take a step toward Blaine, and he knew he must have looked pissed because Blaine instantly threw his arms up and took a step back.
“Calm down.”
Sam couldn’t help but scoff at that. Nothing made an angry person more agitated than telling them to “calm down.”
“I guess the whole ‘famous’ Dalton Academy zero tolerance for bullying thing goes out of the window once you leave school grounds.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it. Honestly, Brittany seems super sweet and she seems like a great person, I just wasn’t prepared for her to be so open with what she says.”
“Nobody deserves to be talked down to or about, especially behind their backs.”
“Sam, I’m sorry. Like I said, I honestly didn’t mean anything by it. It’s not every day that you get to meet someone that just says the first thing that comes to mind. In my defense though, I’ve never had anyone come up to me and accuse me of being a serial killer. But that’s the great thing about not having a tact filter, right? It doesn’t matter what you say because you’re always saying what you feel at that moment.”
Sam let out a deep breath that he didn’t know that he had been holding. He always wanted to believe the best about a person, and he really wanted to believe that Blaine didn’t mean anything by it, but recently Sam was learning that he wasn’t exactly the best choice of character when it came to people. Still, Kurt trusted Kurt and there was another huge check in Blaine’s favor simply because Finn hadn’t tried to keep him away from Kurt. Ever since Finn’s mom married Kurt’s dad, Finn had become really protective of his new brother. So maybe the fact that Finn hadn’t found a reason to murder Blaine was reason enough for Sam to give him a second chance… for now at least.
“Just don’t be a jerk.”
“For what it’s worth, I really am sorry. I guess I’m just nervous about starting here tomorrow.”
Sam was about to say something when suddenly he felt himself being slammed into the lockers. He couldn’t see who had pushed him, but considering that school had already ended for the day the suspect list was rather small. Usually the Glee kids were the last ones out of the school, they had to be considering they had their meetings after football practice so all of the guys wouldn’t have to choose between the two. With football winding down Mr. Schue had decided to keep the meeting time the same since basketball season would be starting soon and Finn was likely going to try out.
Finn had tried to talk all of the guys into trying out, but so far that hadn’t gone well. You couldn’t get a commitment from Puck if your life depended on it, Artie had no intention of trying out, and Sam liked basketball, but not enough to devote as much time to it as he would have needed to and Mike still hadn’t made up his mind.
The only other person outside of Glee that Sam knew was looking forward to it was Dave Karofsky, and he was one of the few people at McKinley that Sam wanted as little interaction with as possible; not that running into the giant bully would be a problem for much longer. However, Sam learned a long time ago how the universe worked, so he didn’t need to turn around to know who it was that had slammed him into the locker; it was pretty obvious that it was Karofsky. With how Sam’s day had been going, there was no way it could have been anyone else.
“So you’re going here now,” Karofsky snarled. It wasn’t so much a question as it was just a way to distract Sam long enough to keep him from getting in the way. “What’d you leave the creepy midget for lady-lips here? Thank God my parents decided to move. I can’t wait to get out of here. This school had one too many queers in it already.”
Sam watched as Blaine stepped up to Karofsky. It was a little intimidating. Blaine was clearly shorter than he was and Sam was barely eyelevel with the bully. Sam was actually impressed; even with all of his adrenaline pumping when he confronted Karofsky, he was still scared. And here Blaine was, ready to go head-to-head with a dude that Blaine would have to stand on his toes just to see behind.
“It’s a shame you’re moving,” Blaine said coldly. “We could have been real close. I’ve kind of always had a secret thing for bigots.”
Sam wanted to laugh. Seriously, over the course of his entire life, Sam had never wanted to burst out laughing as badly as he did right now. He knew he wasn’t being fair, and that it made him look like a hypocrite for getting mad at Blaine for being less than nice to Brittany. But right now he didn’t care. Karofsky was a bully, pure and simple. Sure, people might expect Sam to harbor a grudge because of the black eye, but that was the last thing running through his mind. Karofsky had personally slushied almost everyone Sam knew, himself included. He pushed Artie around… and there was the whole Kurt thing. Sam still didn’t know everything that had gone down, but he knew that Kurt wasn’t as “weak” as everyone thought he was. If he had to transfer schools just to get away from Karofsky, something bad had to have happened. So as far as Sam was concerned, Karofsky deserved sympathy from no one.
“You people are sick,” Karofsky said, pushing Blaine into the lockers. In a matter of seconds, his forearm was pressing into Blaine’s neck not only effectively holding him in place, but keeping him from saying anything else as well.
“Get off him!”
“Back off, lady-lips, or you’re next on my list.”
Sam tried to pull Karofsky off of Blaine, but he just wasn’t strong enough. That really pissed him off. It was one thing not to be good enough for someone, but being so inadequate that he couldn’t even stop someone from potentially getting their neck snapped was another thing entirely. In all of the comics and movies Sam had been a fan of, the ones he liked the best were the ones about the average guy, who was just a little off, but still pretty awesome. He knew, and it was a sad thing to admit, that real superheroes didn’t exist, so it wasn’t like Sam could melt Karofsky with heat vision, or anything.
Clearly, things weren’t going well. No matter how much Sam wanted to help, he knew he couldn’t. He silently cursed because his mind instantly wandered to how much he’d be willing to give up for Darkwing Duck’s gas gun. Hell, at this point he’d settle for just pulling it together long enough to be the sidekick who some how manages to stumble on the super villain’s exact weakness and end up saving the day. This was turning out great - Blaine was probably going to choke to death while Sam sulked about not being strong enough to be a superhero, and not stupidly unlucky enough to be a sidekick. The only other option left was to ask for help. But unfortunately, there wasn’t anyone else around.
Suddenly, Sam heard that sickening, all too familiar sound of a slushie colliding with flesh and metal. He knew he had been having a hard time focusing, but he didn’t think he had been so zoned out thinking about vigilante crime fighting ducks that he blacked out long enough for Karofsky to go get a slushie. For a brief second, Sam actually believed he had been given the slushie facial, that it was the universe’s way of punishing him and trying to teach him to focus more. But all it took was one look at the horrified expression on Blaine’s face for Sam to realize that Blaine was the one who had been slushied, not him.
Sam felt bad for Blaine. He hated when he had gotten his first slushie, but at least it was just the three of them. It wasn’t much of a win, and he wasn’t counting on Blaine agreeing with him, but at least Blaine wasn’t surrounded by people laughing at him, like Sam was when he was slushied. And there was the added bonus of Karofsky letting go of Blaine’s neck. It’s better to be sticky, wet, and have your face and clothing match the color of the lockers than to die from lack of oxygen.
“Consider me giving the slushie to him instead of you my going away present, lady-lips.”
In the time it took for Sam to blink, Karofsky had already exited the hallway. Sam thoughtfully chewed on his bottom lip. He really didn’t know what to say to Blaine and, before he had the chance to figure it out, the other boy had slumped to the floor, sitting in a pile of red, sticky goo. Sam clenched his fist and fought the urge to punch the lockers. That was the last thing Blaine needed right now. Sam remembered how difficult it was for him to even form words after he had been slushied, so it didn’t surprise him that Blaine had barely let out a whimper afterwards. When he had first been slushied Sam had gone numb. He didn’t remember what happened or how much time had passed between the slushie and when he was in the bathroom with Quinn getting cleaned up He felt bad for Blaine, and actually a little worried that he had been hurt when he noticed Blaine holding the part of his neck that Karofsky had been pressing down on.
Sam had already felt like crap all day and this only made it worse. There was no way that he could have overpowered Karofsky, but he knew that if he had just done a better job of focusing he could have saved Blaine from getting slushied or, at the very least, Sam could have created a distraction to give Blaine a chance to get free from Karofsky’s grip. The entire thing could have been avoided if he had focused in Glee. Then he wouldn’t have still been there, he and Brittany wouldn’t have had the conversation with Blaine, and the two of them wouldn’t have been cornered by Karofsky after Brittany left. That didn’t sit well with Sam. If he had focused more, if he paid attention to what was going on around him instead of being off in his own little world, it wouldn’t have ended this way. Sadly, the entire past half hour or so was just one more thing to be added on to an ever-growing list of things that proved, in the end, Sam Evans just wasn’t good enough.