been a while
it has been like 345 years since i updated this thing. i don't even know why i stopped....wtf? most of the ppl on my friends list don't even have journals anymore and are deleted. damn. after a while i forgot that this thing even existed.
i just re read almost every entry that i wrote in this journal and wow...i can honestly say i am not the same person that i used to be, and that makes me sad because oh god i wish i was. im at a point in my life where i dont know who i am or what it is i should be doing with my life. things are awful. just..rock bottom.
lets see.
anton and i finally moved out and had our own place. things were going really well for a while. i had a job that i liked, i had friends that i worked with that i liked a lot, and a manager that i could not stand. she was the "manager" because her father owned the business. ha ha. fucking joke. she hated me so much that she fired me. fired. me. thats just fucking harsh. she called me on my day off to tell me she was taking me off the schedule..so i called her a bitch and hung up on her skank ass. i mean this job was decent money, and for once i actually liked the place i worked at. fuck. i was really upset over that shit and i still to this day hate that bitch. in fact if i ever happen to run in to her somewhere, she will get the beat down of her life! damn i sound ghetto. well that was like two years ago and see how bitter i still am about it?! at the time i just felt so fucked, she had ruined my life with a few words.
couple months passed by and i found another job. i ended up working at this place where i was the only female in a shop full of grease monkey, toothless, redneck fucks. it was different, to say the least. i worked there for a year and the pay was such shit but the hours were good..i had weekends off and was home early on week nights. my boss was a total pig. i worked in the office of this building and all the guys would get together for lunch and not even ask me if i wanted to go with, or wanted anything.
they pretty much pretended as if i didnt exist, because i had a set of tits. i guess tits are pretty threatening to redneck fucks with no teeth. just stupid shit like that would irritate me, that and the way my boss always blamed me for everything, even stupid things that he would do, i would get blamed for. i basically was treated like a dog. so one day, i walked in and my boss was pissing me off...i went into his office and said - i'm leaving and i'm not ever coming back, the way that you treat people leaves a lot to be desired- i said that then walked over to get my purse and thought about deleting some computer files and trashing some shit on the way out, when he pops out of his office and starts yelling at me. i mean, screaming, in my face, 2 inches away with his finger pointing at me. i don't even remember what all was said but we were bitching each other out pretty hard core. i just remember telling him that he made people feel "this big" motioning with my hands. then he says to me - you are that big, you are nothing and you never will be, go back to california where you belong. among some other words. i remember screaming FUCK YOU as i walked out the door and hearing him trail off something about how thats a nice mouth. so yeah, that happened this past winter. sigh.
it might not sound like a huge deal but to be yelled at, i mean really emotionally derailed like that, in your face - fuck you- really screws with your head. i mean i still think about the look on his face and how can you be so fucking crude to someone, to another human being? how can you do that and go home and sleep at night??
so after that went down i was out of a job, i found another one within a week.....at a factory. i kept that job for 2 1/2 months. the pay was really nice but i felt like an old woman at the end of the day. my fingers were stiff, my feet were swollen, my back ached, i could not imagine being stuck in that rat hole for the next 10 years. the sad part of that story is that there were women there, that had been there for 10 years and longer. kudos to them but fuck that, im not laverne or shirley. side note, there was this cute old lady that was named shirley and i would call her laverne. i thought it was fucking hilarious but no one else did. haha.
so....after that i decided i needed to see my family. i had not been back to california in over two years and it was time. i went out there three months ago and had the best time imaginable. i think it was partly because i ached to be around people that knew where i came from, that really knew me, people that really loved me. it was very comforting. i went out every night with my cousin and aunt, i went to monteray for the day and loved every second of it. things are good with my parents now. im older, i have grown up and things might have been bad growing up, but what can you do about that shit? i miss california, i miss having things within reach, walking distance, shopping, going out, being social.
so one night while i was out there i called anton, i asked him if he would consider moving out to california and he said no way in hell.
so here is my delima. i have been back from california for a few months and i miss it, every day. my family wants me to move back there so bad but if i move back there, it will be by myself pretty much. after i came back from my trip i sat in the house for weeks without moving, miserable, i do not want to live here. im not going to work at a gas station for the rest of my life, im sorry, i want something better for myself. so we had to move out of the place we had together and are now back with his parents. i know its my fault, everthing is. he wont even talk to me now, he just looks at me and i can see the resentment. we have been in this relationship for over four years and at this point we hardly speak to each other. it makes me so sad, how did things get to this point, i blame myself for everything. somehow i should have been different. i just look back at who i used to be and i have changed so much. im a vegetable now, i dont speak, i dont move, i avoid sunlight as much as possible.
there is so much to say but the words just wont come. im at a point in my life where i am completely lost. i know the thing i should do is go back to california and go back to school, find a job, and just move on with things, but i cant let go of the one person that i thought i would really be with forever. we dont even talk, there is all this drama going on and we dont talk about it. we say things like pass the ketchup but we just lay there in the dark at night, silent. i even slept on the couch a few nights this week because i have been so angry. i said please just tell me something, anything, you dont want me anymore, you dont want to go on like this, but say something...your silence is leading me to think that you actually hate me and that breaks my heart. i feel like walking off a cliff..i am a broken person.
i wrote him a really rude letter the other day that said im going to california in a week and you will never have to look at my face again, if theres something you want to tell me, to talk about with me, do it while you can, or if these past 4 years meant nothing, then fine..so be it. so then he read it, a day passed and no words. so i am believing he wants me to go. see in my head he would say please dont leave, please stay, i love you. but he cant even muster that. i asked him last night, if he read my note. he said yeah, but how do i respond to that? with a fuck you or an i love you..its that simple for me. im at the end of my rope here and i dont know what to do anymore.
i just re read almost every entry that i wrote in this journal and wow...i can honestly say i am not the same person that i used to be, and that makes me sad because oh god i wish i was. im at a point in my life where i dont know who i am or what it is i should be doing with my life. things are awful. just..rock bottom.
lets see.
anton and i finally moved out and had our own place. things were going really well for a while. i had a job that i liked, i had friends that i worked with that i liked a lot, and a manager that i could not stand. she was the "manager" because her father owned the business. ha ha. fucking joke. she hated me so much that she fired me. fired. me. thats just fucking harsh. she called me on my day off to tell me she was taking me off the schedule..so i called her a bitch and hung up on her skank ass. i mean this job was decent money, and for once i actually liked the place i worked at. fuck. i was really upset over that shit and i still to this day hate that bitch. in fact if i ever happen to run in to her somewhere, she will get the beat down of her life! damn i sound ghetto. well that was like two years ago and see how bitter i still am about it?! at the time i just felt so fucked, she had ruined my life with a few words.
couple months passed by and i found another job. i ended up working at this place where i was the only female in a shop full of grease monkey, toothless, redneck fucks. it was different, to say the least. i worked there for a year and the pay was such shit but the hours were good..i had weekends off and was home early on week nights. my boss was a total pig. i worked in the office of this building and all the guys would get together for lunch and not even ask me if i wanted to go with, or wanted anything.
they pretty much pretended as if i didnt exist, because i had a set of tits. i guess tits are pretty threatening to redneck fucks with no teeth. just stupid shit like that would irritate me, that and the way my boss always blamed me for everything, even stupid things that he would do, i would get blamed for. i basically was treated like a dog. so one day, i walked in and my boss was pissing me off...i went into his office and said - i'm leaving and i'm not ever coming back, the way that you treat people leaves a lot to be desired- i said that then walked over to get my purse and thought about deleting some computer files and trashing some shit on the way out, when he pops out of his office and starts yelling at me. i mean, screaming, in my face, 2 inches away with his finger pointing at me. i don't even remember what all was said but we were bitching each other out pretty hard core. i just remember telling him that he made people feel "this big" motioning with my hands. then he says to me - you are that big, you are nothing and you never will be, go back to california where you belong. among some other words. i remember screaming FUCK YOU as i walked out the door and hearing him trail off something about how thats a nice mouth. so yeah, that happened this past winter. sigh.
it might not sound like a huge deal but to be yelled at, i mean really emotionally derailed like that, in your face - fuck you- really screws with your head. i mean i still think about the look on his face and how can you be so fucking crude to someone, to another human being? how can you do that and go home and sleep at night??
so after that went down i was out of a job, i found another one within a week.....at a factory. i kept that job for 2 1/2 months. the pay was really nice but i felt like an old woman at the end of the day. my fingers were stiff, my feet were swollen, my back ached, i could not imagine being stuck in that rat hole for the next 10 years. the sad part of that story is that there were women there, that had been there for 10 years and longer. kudos to them but fuck that, im not laverne or shirley. side note, there was this cute old lady that was named shirley and i would call her laverne. i thought it was fucking hilarious but no one else did. haha.
so....after that i decided i needed to see my family. i had not been back to california in over two years and it was time. i went out there three months ago and had the best time imaginable. i think it was partly because i ached to be around people that knew where i came from, that really knew me, people that really loved me. it was very comforting. i went out every night with my cousin and aunt, i went to monteray for the day and loved every second of it. things are good with my parents now. im older, i have grown up and things might have been bad growing up, but what can you do about that shit? i miss california, i miss having things within reach, walking distance, shopping, going out, being social.
so one night while i was out there i called anton, i asked him if he would consider moving out to california and he said no way in hell.
so here is my delima. i have been back from california for a few months and i miss it, every day. my family wants me to move back there so bad but if i move back there, it will be by myself pretty much. after i came back from my trip i sat in the house for weeks without moving, miserable, i do not want to live here. im not going to work at a gas station for the rest of my life, im sorry, i want something better for myself. so we had to move out of the place we had together and are now back with his parents. i know its my fault, everthing is. he wont even talk to me now, he just looks at me and i can see the resentment. we have been in this relationship for over four years and at this point we hardly speak to each other. it makes me so sad, how did things get to this point, i blame myself for everything. somehow i should have been different. i just look back at who i used to be and i have changed so much. im a vegetable now, i dont speak, i dont move, i avoid sunlight as much as possible.
there is so much to say but the words just wont come. im at a point in my life where i am completely lost. i know the thing i should do is go back to california and go back to school, find a job, and just move on with things, but i cant let go of the one person that i thought i would really be with forever. we dont even talk, there is all this drama going on and we dont talk about it. we say things like pass the ketchup but we just lay there in the dark at night, silent. i even slept on the couch a few nights this week because i have been so angry. i said please just tell me something, anything, you dont want me anymore, you dont want to go on like this, but say something...your silence is leading me to think that you actually hate me and that breaks my heart. i feel like walking off a cliff..i am a broken person.
i wrote him a really rude letter the other day that said im going to california in a week and you will never have to look at my face again, if theres something you want to tell me, to talk about with me, do it while you can, or if these past 4 years meant nothing, then fine..so be it. so then he read it, a day passed and no words. so i am believing he wants me to go. see in my head he would say please dont leave, please stay, i love you. but he cant even muster that. i asked him last night, if he read my note. he said yeah, but how do i respond to that? with a fuck you or an i love you..its that simple for me. im at the end of my rope here and i dont know what to do anymore.