(no subject)
So tonight was the final showing of Hello Dolly, sad in its own little way, and good in another, funny how things and life can never just be one thing. The show went well. And thats certinly good. However, it is sad just because were loosing a lot of good people. I dont even want to think of how Kersh will handle Summer graduating. And then theres the real pain for me, Jeff and Ziggy. I love those guys. I dont think I can picture school without them. At least theyll still be me david and brent. and Im doing my best to ignore David's smoking, he knows I dont like it, so he doesnt bring it up around me, which I apperciate, and david is possibly one of the best friends Ive ever had, I mean really, he left the cast party (details on that later) to give me a ride home.
So unless I remember something else I really need to write about, its on to the cast party.
Was the party fun? Probably. Did I enjoy it? No. I really dont like partys. and then I was pretty pissed that when we drove up everyone was fucking smoking a goddamn ciggerette. I swear, I am the only person who doesnt get high, do drugs, drink a lot, or smoke ciggerettes. I dont understand it. Why isnt there anyone else like me out there? Its really disheartening. I dont like it. Im so alone in that aspect. And at the party, I tried to avoid everyone, because in large groups of people I get really claustrophobic, and Im just not comfortable. Im more comfortable in a pair then I am surronded by people. I wish sarah wouldve come, then I wouldnt have been so alone. Ive never been as alone as I am when Im in a crowd. It was pretty painful. I just kinda stood there. anytime I said something, no one heard me. But I guess thats how it goes. I mean, Im a popular guy in my own right, but no one hears what I say. Guys ignore me, Girls avoid me. And thats something thats always pretty painful, I mean, I know I have sarah and all that good stuff, but I like to know that I can attract the oppisite sex, and thats something Ive never been able to do. Im not sure why this came up, but what can I say, low self esteem is a mystery in in itself. So yeah, at the party, the best time I had there was when it was just me and ziggy sitting outside, I enjoyed that. just not the rest of it. I tried too, I tried as hard as I could, but when it came down to it, I was just plain uncomfortable. I didnt like it. So in a nutshell, for me, the cast party blew, and I dont see why people like parties.
And last night I was really upset, and I havent been able to talk to my parents comfortably since. Essentually, mom was upset that I needed a ride home, like Im not her responsiblity or something, I mean I tried to get a ride home, and I couldnt, thats all there is to it. and mom acted like I had violated her. and then, guess what, my dad picked me up. and I came home, and saw why my mom couldnt pick me up, and I wanted to cry. I fucking hate it, I shouldnt have to live with it, I just fuckign shouldnt. Its not fair. I already have to put up with my friends doing shit like that, and now I cant even be away from it in my own goddamn home. Its not fucking fair. Am I really the only person who doesnt like doing shit like that? Am I truely the only person in the world who values his mind? and values his opinions? and morals? Am I truely the only strong person? and Im starting to crack. I really am. I just want a way away from it all, and I have no outlet. I want one night where I dont have to deal with this shit, I dont have to go to sleep to that smell, I dont have to see my mom that way, and I can just relax. I havent been able to relax in so long... and I think its going to be a long time before I can. Yeah, I know, my parents treat me well and all that, they just arent reliable and do stupid shit. I cant take it. I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant. I feel more and more like what people see of me is just a mask to hide what Im dealign with at home. If only people knew. I think if people knew, they would probably understand why I dont like parties, or what people do. When is this good part of life supposed to start? I mean if I cant even enjoy a party filled with my friends, cant take part in apperently the "cool" thign to do. I mean, high school is supposed to be the best part of your life, and for me... Its just not. and after high school, all I have to look forward to is work. I get to work 8 hours a day until I die. Life is over rated.
So unless I remember something else I really need to write about, its on to the cast party.
Was the party fun? Probably. Did I enjoy it? No. I really dont like partys. and then I was pretty pissed that when we drove up everyone was fucking smoking a goddamn ciggerette. I swear, I am the only person who doesnt get high, do drugs, drink a lot, or smoke ciggerettes. I dont understand it. Why isnt there anyone else like me out there? Its really disheartening. I dont like it. Im so alone in that aspect. And at the party, I tried to avoid everyone, because in large groups of people I get really claustrophobic, and Im just not comfortable. Im more comfortable in a pair then I am surronded by people. I wish sarah wouldve come, then I wouldnt have been so alone. Ive never been as alone as I am when Im in a crowd. It was pretty painful. I just kinda stood there. anytime I said something, no one heard me. But I guess thats how it goes. I mean, Im a popular guy in my own right, but no one hears what I say. Guys ignore me, Girls avoid me. And thats something thats always pretty painful, I mean, I know I have sarah and all that good stuff, but I like to know that I can attract the oppisite sex, and thats something Ive never been able to do. Im not sure why this came up, but what can I say, low self esteem is a mystery in in itself. So yeah, at the party, the best time I had there was when it was just me and ziggy sitting outside, I enjoyed that. just not the rest of it. I tried too, I tried as hard as I could, but when it came down to it, I was just plain uncomfortable. I didnt like it. So in a nutshell, for me, the cast party blew, and I dont see why people like parties.
And last night I was really upset, and I havent been able to talk to my parents comfortably since. Essentually, mom was upset that I needed a ride home, like Im not her responsiblity or something, I mean I tried to get a ride home, and I couldnt, thats all there is to it. and mom acted like I had violated her. and then, guess what, my dad picked me up. and I came home, and saw why my mom couldnt pick me up, and I wanted to cry. I fucking hate it, I shouldnt have to live with it, I just fuckign shouldnt. Its not fair. I already have to put up with my friends doing shit like that, and now I cant even be away from it in my own goddamn home. Its not fucking fair. Am I really the only person who doesnt like doing shit like that? Am I truely the only person in the world who values his mind? and values his opinions? and morals? Am I truely the only strong person? and Im starting to crack. I really am. I just want a way away from it all, and I have no outlet. I want one night where I dont have to deal with this shit, I dont have to go to sleep to that smell, I dont have to see my mom that way, and I can just relax. I havent been able to relax in so long... and I think its going to be a long time before I can. Yeah, I know, my parents treat me well and all that, they just arent reliable and do stupid shit. I cant take it. I cant I cant I cant I cant I cant. I feel more and more like what people see of me is just a mask to hide what Im dealign with at home. If only people knew. I think if people knew, they would probably understand why I dont like parties, or what people do. When is this good part of life supposed to start? I mean if I cant even enjoy a party filled with my friends, cant take part in apperently the "cool" thign to do. I mean, high school is supposed to be the best part of your life, and for me... Its just not. and after high school, all I have to look forward to is work. I get to work 8 hours a day until I die. Life is over rated.