(no subject)
I always open this window and mull over something to type, but push to shove I don't really care to devulge any details about my current existence. Boredom? Lethargy? Addiction? Loneliness? I could go playing the blame game on any of those fuckers but I'm the boss man and when the shit hits the fan, I can really look only to myself.
What am I doing exactly?
Spending money I don't have on drugs I shouldn't need.
Hopeless romanticism isn't my natural state anymore. Constant battle with bitterness. Bad business that.
Mostly I just hate knowing I'm to blame for all thats wrong with my life.
Why?
Because life itself is so beautiful. Our world is at it's most lost but being alive is worth as much as it ever was. I'm so lucky to be a human that it bothers me how I've let myself miss out on the best things in life. Everything I could complain about, I have caused.
Loneliness? I'm quite ugly because I haven't done enough to stay in shape, to reach some balance. My appearance has made affectionate or romantic interaction impossible and therefore has made me grow bitter and has led me to be less outgoing, less trusting. Less loving of people I don't know.
I still share love with my close friends, but even they are growing weary of someone so out of sync.
Addiction? I'm addicted to intoxication because it is the one thing that truly brings me unabaded happiness while not alone anymore. I still hang out with and have a wonderful time with my friends sober, but I only stop worrying and love life when I'm alone or intoxicated. I've told Grant countless times that though I don't have anyone to love, I love pot and other substances in that way, because they make me love myself in that way.
Lethargy? The drugs are to blame. I'm to blame for the drugs. Once again, completely my fault.
Boredom? I wouldn't be so bored if I would stop the drugs, work my ass of to become attractive, and merely let myself have fun and hope. But, there is a wonderful cure for boredom that costs only $10 or so a day. Now if I can only let go of that cure.
The moral: don't mug yourself. We are the captains of our fate (even if physics shows all is predetermined) and I for one am going to get cracking to fix my own life, since it is after all, my own and no one else's. I love you all and I hope someday soon I can be with you all as an equal in both mind AND body, and therefore experience. Here here.
What am I doing exactly?
Spending money I don't have on drugs I shouldn't need.
Hopeless romanticism isn't my natural state anymore. Constant battle with bitterness. Bad business that.
Mostly I just hate knowing I'm to blame for all thats wrong with my life.
Why?
Because life itself is so beautiful. Our world is at it's most lost but being alive is worth as much as it ever was. I'm so lucky to be a human that it bothers me how I've let myself miss out on the best things in life. Everything I could complain about, I have caused.
Loneliness? I'm quite ugly because I haven't done enough to stay in shape, to reach some balance. My appearance has made affectionate or romantic interaction impossible and therefore has made me grow bitter and has led me to be less outgoing, less trusting. Less loving of people I don't know.
I still share love with my close friends, but even they are growing weary of someone so out of sync.
Addiction? I'm addicted to intoxication because it is the one thing that truly brings me unabaded happiness while not alone anymore. I still hang out with and have a wonderful time with my friends sober, but I only stop worrying and love life when I'm alone or intoxicated. I've told Grant countless times that though I don't have anyone to love, I love pot and other substances in that way, because they make me love myself in that way.
Lethargy? The drugs are to blame. I'm to blame for the drugs. Once again, completely my fault.
Boredom? I wouldn't be so bored if I would stop the drugs, work my ass of to become attractive, and merely let myself have fun and hope. But, there is a wonderful cure for boredom that costs only $10 or so a day. Now if I can only let go of that cure.
The moral: don't mug yourself. We are the captains of our fate (even if physics shows all is predetermined) and I for one am going to get cracking to fix my own life, since it is after all, my own and no one else's. I love you all and I hope someday soon I can be with you all as an equal in both mind AND body, and therefore experience. Here here.