Refocusing
I'm sitting here in the lobby of the education building at NSU, waiting for my Thursday night class to start. There's one thing that's different from when I was here before -- wireless internet in the class buildings? I couldn't even hook up to the 'net in my DORM in the old days! Woo-hoo!
Anyway, among the billion and one podcasts I listen to on a regular basis is Halfpixel's "Daily Affirmation," in which Scott Kurtz and Kris Straub just sort of ramble about whatever they fid amusing or funny or pertinent on any given day. It's good stuff. But the affirmations have been far from daily lately, and on a recent episode I was listening to Scott explain how he's been trying to "refocus" since the death of his good friend, Mike Wieringo. I certainly can sympathize with that -- 'Ringo was a comic book great and, from all accounts, one of the nicest guys on the planet. And who doesn't spend some time self-examining when a loved one dies?
As I listened to Kurtz talk, though, I realized how much of what he's saying applies to me. It's been a long time since I've gotten fired up about a project, and I miss that feeling. Even when I DO get a good idea, like the novel I've been "working on" for two months (I'm stuck in a holding pattern in chapter three), it peters out far too quickly. The last thing I actually completed was the short story I shared with Dr. Pus's Library of the Living Dead podcast, and even that was a month ago. It's not enough.
Oddly enough, it's almost like I miss the newspaper. Don't get me wrong, the atmosphere was terrible and the people I worked for were imbeciles. But I was at least writing every day. I had that impetus, something forcing product from my brain. Now, not so much. I still have my column on Wednesday, a column on Friday when I can squeeze one out, but is that enough? I submit that it isn't. I haven't felt this non-productive since I was in high school and would start a story or a book then put it aside, never to return to it again. I'm slipping back into that decade-old pattern, and that's dangerous.
Part of it is legitimate time issues. When I was in high school, I put aside stuff just because I got lazy or loss interest. Now I get up at 5 a.m., work all day, grade papers, go to night class, grade more papers and have to get to bed because I've got to wake up at 5 a.m. the next day. Time is at more of a premium now than at any other period in my life.
But part of it, I know, is not having that zest, that compulsion to write that's always been so important to me. I still come up with ideas. Hell, while I was writing the last paragraph I thought of a new angle that would be really interesting to explore with the Renfield-esque character in my current novel. But will I force myself to WRITE it? HOW can I force myself to write it?
I've always said, for years now, that the important thing is the ability to MAKE time, no matter what. I still believe that. Maybe it's that simple, maybe I need to force myself to make the time. Maybe it's NOT that simple, maybe I need the right project to hit me like a bolt of lightning. Maybe it's just, as I've always said, I work best on a deadline, and since I don't technically have any right now, I can't squeeze it out.
Whatever the case, I feel like I'm on the bench and I want to get back into the game. But do I wait for the right pitch, or do I just keep swinging until I get a hit?
You know I'm bummed when I start using sports metaphors.