7.7 PART 2
What we each need in life is a Listener. At least one. One person whose sole purpose is to learn everything about us and process it and spit it back out, so that maybe we could understand ourselves better. One person who really wants to know everything; one who really wants to understand.
So why did I realize today that I was not yet out of the fog?
Little things.
I was generally being rubbed the wrong way when Mike and SJ tried to play with me. As usual. I think today, though, Michael somehow noticed. I had to tell SJ. He said, after teasing me about an onslaught of new work I'll have to learn, "I know. I'm just trying to get under your skin."
"Well don't," I snapped. "I'm not in the mood for it." He didn't respond, and I could have been a little gentler. I could have said, "Yeah, well, it's working." Something like that.
I didn't seem to hurt him though. He seemed fine.
Funny thing, I really wish I knew where I stood with him. I overheard him telling Mike about his ex-girlfriend's fear of clowns. The story related the girl's presence in SJ's bed - at night. I had my headphones off, and at one point, Michael stopped SJ and said, "Hey..."
It is always wrong to assume, but I seriously think Michael was pointing out the fact that I could possibly hear them. After what seemed like a long, tense pause, I think I heard SJ say, "She doesn't care." Mike said, "Really?" Pause. "That surprises me."
So I think my suspicions are right. They all think I like SJ. And SJ seems to have set up guidelines with the other guys when it comes to talking about other girls. The rule seems to be not to do so in front of me. Why then did SJ tell me straight out yesterday? Fucking games. It bothers me that he/they think I care. And it really bothers me that I actually do.
Like I said before: we're friends. Nothing more, with no plans for that EVER. But it is strange...
It bothers me that someone knows I feel differently about them and they're being all weird and secretive about it. I just said I was done with my adolescence... Why are the games still on? (Just because I'm leaving the stadium doesn't mean the game is over, I guess.) It would bother me so much if I didn't have a sneaking suspicion that MAYBE these feelings - to some extent - were being reciprocated.
Around 2:15 SJ asked me, "Are you leaving?"
"No," I shook my head slowly. "Sorry." They usually grumble (playfully) when I'm not leaving when they think I am. But instead he said, "Oh good." I eyed him. "No really, I hate it when you leave at two." I continued to eye him. So he said, "Yunno, cuz then you leave me here with Mike, and you know how he is..." Mike nodded. Funny bastards. XD
So that all was the major part. The part that really made me crash was when that guy who asked about my Mars Volta shirt said hi to me. I was passing the secretary's desk on my way back from the restroom where I had tried to get myself together. He was talking to the secretary. I sorta said hi but...
**AHH!! SJ just came in the room. I told him to go so i could hide this window, so he started walking out. after i minimized the window, i called him back. we had an awkward chat where we pretended to be interested in the photoshop project i was pretending to do, when i asked, "are you just gonna stare at my screen?" he said, "i could just stare at you." i whined and then kicked him out. i don't get it.**
Anyway, that kid... no hi... it was awkward and it's giving me tourettes. Sometimes I wish i was invisible. everything would be so much easier.
i hafta run to class now. i'm such a nerd that i come to write in my freetime.
So why did I realize today that I was not yet out of the fog?
Little things.
I was generally being rubbed the wrong way when Mike and SJ tried to play with me. As usual. I think today, though, Michael somehow noticed. I had to tell SJ. He said, after teasing me about an onslaught of new work I'll have to learn, "I know. I'm just trying to get under your skin."
"Well don't," I snapped. "I'm not in the mood for it." He didn't respond, and I could have been a little gentler. I could have said, "Yeah, well, it's working." Something like that.
I didn't seem to hurt him though. He seemed fine.
Funny thing, I really wish I knew where I stood with him. I overheard him telling Mike about his ex-girlfriend's fear of clowns. The story related the girl's presence in SJ's bed - at night. I had my headphones off, and at one point, Michael stopped SJ and said, "Hey..."
It is always wrong to assume, but I seriously think Michael was pointing out the fact that I could possibly hear them. After what seemed like a long, tense pause, I think I heard SJ say, "She doesn't care." Mike said, "Really?" Pause. "That surprises me."
So I think my suspicions are right. They all think I like SJ. And SJ seems to have set up guidelines with the other guys when it comes to talking about other girls. The rule seems to be not to do so in front of me. Why then did SJ tell me straight out yesterday? Fucking games. It bothers me that he/they think I care. And it really bothers me that I actually do.
Like I said before: we're friends. Nothing more, with no plans for that EVER. But it is strange...
It bothers me that someone knows I feel differently about them and they're being all weird and secretive about it. I just said I was done with my adolescence... Why are the games still on? (Just because I'm leaving the stadium doesn't mean the game is over, I guess.) It would bother me so much if I didn't have a sneaking suspicion that MAYBE these feelings - to some extent - were being reciprocated.
Around 2:15 SJ asked me, "Are you leaving?"
"No," I shook my head slowly. "Sorry." They usually grumble (playfully) when I'm not leaving when they think I am. But instead he said, "Oh good." I eyed him. "No really, I hate it when you leave at two." I continued to eye him. So he said, "Yunno, cuz then you leave me here with Mike, and you know how he is..." Mike nodded. Funny bastards. XD
So that all was the major part. The part that really made me crash was when that guy who asked about my Mars Volta shirt said hi to me. I was passing the secretary's desk on my way back from the restroom where I had tried to get myself together. He was talking to the secretary. I sorta said hi but...
**AHH!! SJ just came in the room. I told him to go so i could hide this window, so he started walking out. after i minimized the window, i called him back. we had an awkward chat where we pretended to be interested in the photoshop project i was pretending to do, when i asked, "are you just gonna stare at my screen?" he said, "i could just stare at you." i whined and then kicked him out. i don't get it.**
Anyway, that kid... no hi... it was awkward and it's giving me tourettes. Sometimes I wish i was invisible. everything would be so much easier.
i hafta run to class now. i'm such a nerd that i come to write in my freetime.