Where Do We Go From Here?
Everything seemed to be falling apart, but there was that feathery feeling that this was shit compared to what I've already survived. I don't think I'm featured in life like I wanted. My destiny is to be held back by fate as I watch everyone else outrun me.
I forget what my name is sometimes. Not in the way that I wouldn't recognize it if someone called it out loud, but it sounds so strange to me when someone says it.
Sorry. Random notes that I've had on my mind for years.
So everything seemed to be falling apart, but there was that feathery feeling that it could be a lot worse. So it did get worse, I thought. This afternoon as I waited for my best friend to come out of her interview, that "505-3something-something" number from New Mexico rang my cell phone again. I answered this time.
It was Pam.
It seemed, the moment I hung up (after a conversation that almost picked up where we left off), that a life I wanted to forget was trying to slither its fingers around my throat again. It felt stifling, and suffocating, and without hope or a future. "When I end something, I do it for a reason," I whimpered. "Everything was fine where I left it. The past is in New Mexico - it needs to fucking stay there." And so I bitched and whined and vented to my poor friend.
And when I got home, I cried. That's all I could do. Anyway, it was something I've been needing to do all month. My life feeling worn thin, this is not the time. I didn't feel ready for this, and I kept crying about that fact over and over. "I'm not where I want to be, yet; I'm not the person I've been trying to become... This can't happen now."
The upset? Pam is moving up here in a couple of months. September, I think. Good - that's Heather's birthday month; and as I thought that, I told H, "I'm going to cling to you when this hits." But Pam remembered my birthday... I got the impression she -kinda- missed me, but only because she was desperate. I'm not upset about that. I myself didn't miss her at all. I don't ever really miss people. (I have issues.) Sure, I'd think about her sometimes and reminisce about the shit we used to do, but I never thought, "Damn, I wish Pam was here." Nope. Not once. Never.
I tell ya, my two songs, "Happy?" by Mudvayne and "The Patient" by Tool had never hit me so hard as they did then. Especially "The Patient". It spared my life this afternoon, I think. I looked around my room and thought about everything, and considering my mediocrity, I wondered why I decided to pretend it all might mean something - that I might someday amount to something. The lines, "But I'm still right here; giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here," seemed to pull me outside of myself and open my eyes. According to the Buddhists, life is suffering. Therefore everything is fine. Keep going.
"Dames. Sometimes they just need to let it out. After a couple of buckets you couldn't even tell."
- Sin City
And after an hour or so of complete and utter theatrical sobbing, I realized something. This is a lesson - one that can be summarized in a single cliche: "You can't outrun your past." I never even said Goodbye to Pam. And I was happy to leave it at that. I basically ran out on New Mexico in the middle of the night.
I didn't deal with it, so now it's coming back to deal with me. *rolls eyes*
She said she's changed. She and Donathan - she said they're different. I guess that means they're clean, but she wasn't specific. And it had to do with Head leaving Korn - I know it. Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. She said she's gonna be going to college, like I was supposed to be surprised. I was, but not as much as she wanted, because I too am going to school. And that surprised her. Like she's the only one who's trying to change for the better. ("And not to pull your halo down, but I'm more than just a little curious...")
And that's another part of the lesson: Part Two - "Moving On". (Part One being "Facing Your Past".) I stopped being so upset when I realized, "Hey, Pamela's just trying to move on with her life - to better things. Just like you. She wants to get out of New Mexico and make something of herself. Just like you. Who are you to judge her?"
"But it's just that she has to come here," I whine.
"You knew she was coming. Her three sisters live up here. It was bound to happen eventually, so quit being such a baby and get ready to face it."
"Yeah, whatever. Bring it on."
EDIT: 4/1/2006 "Right Where it Belongs" by Nine Inch Nails
I forget what my name is sometimes. Not in the way that I wouldn't recognize it if someone called it out loud, but it sounds so strange to me when someone says it.
Sorry. Random notes that I've had on my mind for years.
So everything seemed to be falling apart, but there was that feathery feeling that it could be a lot worse. So it did get worse, I thought. This afternoon as I waited for my best friend to come out of her interview, that "505-3something-something" number from New Mexico rang my cell phone again. I answered this time.
It was Pam.
It seemed, the moment I hung up (after a conversation that almost picked up where we left off), that a life I wanted to forget was trying to slither its fingers around my throat again. It felt stifling, and suffocating, and without hope or a future. "When I end something, I do it for a reason," I whimpered. "Everything was fine where I left it. The past is in New Mexico - it needs to fucking stay there." And so I bitched and whined and vented to my poor friend.
And when I got home, I cried. That's all I could do. Anyway, it was something I've been needing to do all month. My life feeling worn thin, this is not the time. I didn't feel ready for this, and I kept crying about that fact over and over. "I'm not where I want to be, yet; I'm not the person I've been trying to become... This can't happen now."
The upset? Pam is moving up here in a couple of months. September, I think. Good - that's Heather's birthday month; and as I thought that, I told H, "I'm going to cling to you when this hits." But Pam remembered my birthday... I got the impression she -kinda- missed me, but only because she was desperate. I'm not upset about that. I myself didn't miss her at all. I don't ever really miss people. (I have issues.) Sure, I'd think about her sometimes and reminisce about the shit we used to do, but I never thought, "Damn, I wish Pam was here." Nope. Not once. Never.
I tell ya, my two songs, "Happy?" by Mudvayne and "The Patient" by Tool had never hit me so hard as they did then. Especially "The Patient". It spared my life this afternoon, I think. I looked around my room and thought about everything, and considering my mediocrity, I wondered why I decided to pretend it all might mean something - that I might someday amount to something. The lines, "But I'm still right here; giving blood, keeping faith. And I'm still right here," seemed to pull me outside of myself and open my eyes. According to the Buddhists, life is suffering. Therefore everything is fine. Keep going.
"Dames. Sometimes they just need to let it out. After a couple of buckets you couldn't even tell."
- Sin City
And after an hour or so of complete and utter theatrical sobbing, I realized something. This is a lesson - one that can be summarized in a single cliche: "You can't outrun your past." I never even said Goodbye to Pam. And I was happy to leave it at that. I basically ran out on New Mexico in the middle of the night.
I didn't deal with it, so now it's coming back to deal with me. *rolls eyes*
She said she's changed. She and Donathan - she said they're different. I guess that means they're clean, but she wasn't specific. And it had to do with Head leaving Korn - I know it. Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. She said she's gonna be going to college, like I was supposed to be surprised. I was, but not as much as she wanted, because I too am going to school. And that surprised her. Like she's the only one who's trying to change for the better. ("And not to pull your halo down, but I'm more than just a little curious...")
And that's another part of the lesson: Part Two - "Moving On". (Part One being "Facing Your Past".) I stopped being so upset when I realized, "Hey, Pamela's just trying to move on with her life - to better things. Just like you. She wants to get out of New Mexico and make something of herself. Just like you. Who are you to judge her?"
"But it's just that she has to come here," I whine.
"You knew she was coming. Her three sisters live up here. It was bound to happen eventually, so quit being such a baby and get ready to face it."
"Yeah, whatever. Bring it on."
EDIT: 4/1/2006 "Right Where it Belongs" by Nine Inch Nails