(no subject)
I'm home now. I went home last night, can't take school any more. I don't know if I'm gonna go back or not, if I do go back it probably won't be until next week. In all likelyhood i'm not going to be back 'til next semester. Seems there is little point in going back now, even if I did I know I'd be failing at least one of my classes, probably two. Things just got bad lately and all I wanted to do was go home, so I did. I know I'm just running away of a lot of my problems but I don't want to think about it that way. Staying at school was just making things worse instead of better. The idea is that now I can start focusing on all the shit that has lead me to the point I'm at now. Just got back from therapy and it lead me to see how long I've been in trouble for and how much this shit going on in my head needs to be dealt with.
I don't know why everything's going to hell right now. There was no event that started this. Feels like I just woke up crazy one morning and then things just got worse instead of better.
I'm worried that people are going to be angry with me for leaving without saying goodbye, or talking about how fucked up I've been. I'm sorry. I'm just really not good about talking about this sort of thing, even to my best friends. It's not because I don't trust my friends or that I think they can't understand. I know that at hampshire I had really strong support group, I have friends who i know would help if they could. Thing is nothing like that is gonna help this shit. This is shit that has been building up in my head for a while and I should've know I'd go nutty eventually.
I know things seemed mostly fine when I was at school. I was good when I was around people, people held me together. It was whenever I was alone that I lost it. Any time I was alone, be it in my room or my car or anywhere, I would just lose my fucking mind. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for hours at a time. Nothing makes sense and everything scares me. I find life terrifying. Sometimes I get so angry that I don't know what to do with myself. Lets just say things weren't good and I had to get away.
So now I'm home and god damn it feels good. I just couldn't take care of myself at school and now I can go home where there are people to help take care of me.
Went to two doctors today, got two presciptions for happy pills. Scares the fuck out of me but maybe they'll help.
I want to be able to go to school. I like school. I love all the people there, I like all my classes, I'm excited about my Div II. It's not that I don't like school. It's just that somewhere along the way I lost my mind and now I have to go home to find it and rebuild myself. I miss people like crazy especially my Christopher (who by the way has been amazingly supportive through all of this) and maybe i'll be back to see them, if not to go to school then for a visit.
I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, I just couldn't. At some point I'll be back to see you all. Don't worry, it's all gonna be good eventually.
I don't know why everything's going to hell right now. There was no event that started this. Feels like I just woke up crazy one morning and then things just got worse instead of better.
I'm worried that people are going to be angry with me for leaving without saying goodbye, or talking about how fucked up I've been. I'm sorry. I'm just really not good about talking about this sort of thing, even to my best friends. It's not because I don't trust my friends or that I think they can't understand. I know that at hampshire I had really strong support group, I have friends who i know would help if they could. Thing is nothing like that is gonna help this shit. This is shit that has been building up in my head for a while and I should've know I'd go nutty eventually.
I know things seemed mostly fine when I was at school. I was good when I was around people, people held me together. It was whenever I was alone that I lost it. Any time I was alone, be it in my room or my car or anywhere, I would just lose my fucking mind. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for hours at a time. Nothing makes sense and everything scares me. I find life terrifying. Sometimes I get so angry that I don't know what to do with myself. Lets just say things weren't good and I had to get away.
So now I'm home and god damn it feels good. I just couldn't take care of myself at school and now I can go home where there are people to help take care of me.
Went to two doctors today, got two presciptions for happy pills. Scares the fuck out of me but maybe they'll help.
I want to be able to go to school. I like school. I love all the people there, I like all my classes, I'm excited about my Div II. It's not that I don't like school. It's just that somewhere along the way I lost my mind and now I have to go home to find it and rebuild myself. I miss people like crazy especially my Christopher (who by the way has been amazingly supportive through all of this) and maybe i'll be back to see them, if not to go to school then for a visit.
I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, I just couldn't. At some point I'll be back to see you all. Don't worry, it's all gonna be good eventually.