Jealous
I'm in Washington....my real home. I guess it's only my "real home" because Chelsea's here. When I'm with her, I don't understand how I could have ever cut myself or cheated on her or even been mad at her. But when I'm back in Oregon, at school, at work, in my real life, I understand completely. I make the mistakes that I make because all I really want it to be with her. I cut when I'm sad and believing that if only Chelsea were there that eveything would be okay. I put the blade against my skin and cry wishing she could hold me....but since she can't, I do what I know. I scar my arm, and in my own way, holding myself, telling myself everything will be fine. I cheat when all I want is for her to hold me close and make me feel the way she does. And as much as I know I won't get that feeling with another person, I settle for the next best thing....only wishing it could feel half as amazing as when I'm with her. I get mad because I'm jealous. Jealous that I can't be the one that she spends every day with....that her friends get that place and they don't even deserve it. Jealous that her life is so much easier than mine and the only reason that mines complicated is because I'm trying to make it work so we can be together again. Jealous that she's beautiful with her bare face and unkemp hair and doesn't even realize it.....when all I want is one day that I can feel as beautiful as her without spending at least an hour infront of the mirror trying to hide my real self with coverup, eyeliner, hair spray. I'm jealous thats she's all I ever dreamt of and I feel like I'm not the same for her. Jealous that I won't ever make her feel as loved as she makes me. I love her more than I love life itself and she won't ever fully understand.