Crushing doubt.
I have been gradually becoming more and more lethargic these past two semesters. At first, I blamed it on senioritis or hating ceramics but I don't think I can say that with all honesty anymore. The last two weeks have been miserable, as in I am so filled with doubt and hate towards myself that I cry myself to sleep miserable. It's honestly not like me and I know I'm being irrational but I just can't help it! It's awful. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING and that includes video games. I derive no enjoyment from any of the usual forms of entertainment that I engage in and I just don't do my homework until the absolute latest and then it's a crappy job. Me, the perfectionist, doing a crappy job. It's so strange. And at the slightest disappointment I burst into tears even in public places. Very embarrassing. I've just been hiding it and covering up my stifling depression with every last ounce of my strength and acting skills. I just say "oh, I'm tired" if anyone mentions that my eyes are red. It's either from crying or from some kind of thyroid problem. Before I left for Christmas break I had a physical and the doctor noticed that my left thyroid was enlarged when compared to my right. She was rather concerned but I was still convinced of my senioritis, so I didn't think much of it until now.
Here are some of my symptoms: Depression- I surround myself by people every chance I get because if I'm left by myself for more than 5 minutes, I burst into tears. Yet, at the same time, I have to force myself to laugh and I don't actually feel as happy as I used to, but it keeps me from crying; Sore eyes, I can't tell if my eyes are puffy outside or swollen inside but I can't wear my contacts comfortably anymore and I actually didn't cry today so I don't think that it's from crying; Lethargy- part of the depression, but if I have a day off, i sleep all day unless I have to do something; Weight gain/no eating- I have been eating particularly well this semester as far as veggies and fruits and milk plus I am in fencing and I have yet to miss a day but I am still gaining weight. It might be from sleeping on weekends but during the week I run myself to exhaustion- which doesn't take much. Some days I have to force myself to eat or else I fall asleep immediately. Anyway, I'm fatter and that sucks; Weakness to cold- all right, I know this place is cold but I FEEL IT so badly I almost won't venture outside to go to class. I keep going because I still have enough will power to go but it's getting harder everyday to leave my dorm; Carpal tunnel- if I put too much pressure on my left wrist I get shooting pains up and down it. It might be because I donate plasma through that arm, but I'm just glad it's not my right hand. Insomnia- I don't sleep well. I mean, I sleep a lot, but I never feel like I do. Jacki noticed that I talk in my sleep, which is normal, but it still worries me a bit because I wake up so exhausted; Stupidity- I can't remember anything or form coherent sentences in class anymore. I usually wrap up in my coat and try to avoid the teacher's gaze because when I talk it doesn't make any sense; Family History- my aunt and my grandma both needed to have their thyroids removed; and obviously, Enlarged gland- I mentioned this earlier but even I can feel that one side is bigger than the other.
I am going in to see the doctor asap because as Travis' quick text says "I can't live like this here!" I don't like being sick. *pout* I finally told Brad about my symptoms so it's been such a relief to have someone cheering me on and researching my problem. I know that any of my friends would be just as concerned but he was the one I took everything out on, so he noticed first. It's a rather embarrassing thing to admit when I try so hard to hide it, but I feel so much better just seeking out a way to get better. So livejournal friends, all like, four of you, cheer me on silently or drop me a message. I would greatly appreciate it. I will keep you updated as I know.
Here are some of my symptoms: Depression- I surround myself by people every chance I get because if I'm left by myself for more than 5 minutes, I burst into tears. Yet, at the same time, I have to force myself to laugh and I don't actually feel as happy as I used to, but it keeps me from crying; Sore eyes, I can't tell if my eyes are puffy outside or swollen inside but I can't wear my contacts comfortably anymore and I actually didn't cry today so I don't think that it's from crying; Lethargy- part of the depression, but if I have a day off, i sleep all day unless I have to do something; Weight gain/no eating- I have been eating particularly well this semester as far as veggies and fruits and milk plus I am in fencing and I have yet to miss a day but I am still gaining weight. It might be from sleeping on weekends but during the week I run myself to exhaustion- which doesn't take much. Some days I have to force myself to eat or else I fall asleep immediately. Anyway, I'm fatter and that sucks; Weakness to cold- all right, I know this place is cold but I FEEL IT so badly I almost won't venture outside to go to class. I keep going because I still have enough will power to go but it's getting harder everyday to leave my dorm; Carpal tunnel- if I put too much pressure on my left wrist I get shooting pains up and down it. It might be because I donate plasma through that arm, but I'm just glad it's not my right hand. Insomnia- I don't sleep well. I mean, I sleep a lot, but I never feel like I do. Jacki noticed that I talk in my sleep, which is normal, but it still worries me a bit because I wake up so exhausted; Stupidity- I can't remember anything or form coherent sentences in class anymore. I usually wrap up in my coat and try to avoid the teacher's gaze because when I talk it doesn't make any sense; Family History- my aunt and my grandma both needed to have their thyroids removed; and obviously, Enlarged gland- I mentioned this earlier but even I can feel that one side is bigger than the other.
I am going in to see the doctor asap because as Travis' quick text says "I can't live like this here!" I don't like being sick. *pout* I finally told Brad about my symptoms so it's been such a relief to have someone cheering me on and researching my problem. I know that any of my friends would be just as concerned but he was the one I took everything out on, so he noticed first. It's a rather embarrassing thing to admit when I try so hard to hide it, but I feel so much better just seeking out a way to get better. So livejournal friends, all like, four of you, cheer me on silently or drop me a message. I would greatly appreciate it. I will keep you updated as I know.