Dreaming of Death
I dreamed that I was in a horrible car crash. I dreamed that I was a waitress and another disgruntled employee came in with a gun but woke up just before he went on rampage. University students keep getting gunned down. To be honest I really do envy them. But I'll probably never go to college, university or have any other opportunity of getting murdered. I don't come in contact with enough people. Three years, one month, and 8 days till I'm allowed to leave home. And what then? Will I actualy be able to? Me who apparently can't have a job, can't get any money, can't get an education. Will Ku actualy have the self control to save up enough to even consider getting a home for us? Even if he can will he honestly still want anything to do with me? Even my own mother told me I was a shit parent. So much for being supportive. Honestly, if I did try killing myself I'd just fuck it up and have to live with the knowledge that not only do I know I'm a selfish bitch and completely pathetic but my entire family will think it too... more than they already do at least.
I litteraly witnessed Charly spank Elly this morning for sitting down against the table that supports the TV. Not even touching the TV or playing with anything. Elly was just sitting there, not doing anything at all. And Charly just went up to her and spanked her. When I told Charly how infair that was and how I never wanted to see her lay a hand on Elly again (no that she's ever been allowed to punish Elly) it somehow turned into how I'm an unfit parent. I mean, I honestly know I am, I try my best but I can't do anything write, but unless someone can actualy tell me how to do it write I really don't want to actualy be told. And are there any sudjestions comming from them? No. Elly just walked around for 20 minutes randomly smaking herself where Charly had hit her which a completely bewildered look on her face saying "Bad baby".
I just want to throw up whenever I think about how much I hate my family and my life. My teath hurt though, and the health insurance company wont let me on because of something to do with how we want to pay, so I can't do anything about the bleeding or the pain. I thought I always did a good job of cleaning my teeth when I was bulimic before. Now I'm not even going to risk it. If I can't even get them looked at. When they fall out I'm completely fucked. See how much Chris is interested in me then. I'm so fucking lame.
I litteraly witnessed Charly spank Elly this morning for sitting down against the table that supports the TV. Not even touching the TV or playing with anything. Elly was just sitting there, not doing anything at all. And Charly just went up to her and spanked her. When I told Charly how infair that was and how I never wanted to see her lay a hand on Elly again (no that she's ever been allowed to punish Elly) it somehow turned into how I'm an unfit parent. I mean, I honestly know I am, I try my best but I can't do anything write, but unless someone can actualy tell me how to do it write I really don't want to actualy be told. And are there any sudjestions comming from them? No. Elly just walked around for 20 minutes randomly smaking herself where Charly had hit her which a completely bewildered look on her face saying "Bad baby".
I just want to throw up whenever I think about how much I hate my family and my life. My teath hurt though, and the health insurance company wont let me on because of something to do with how we want to pay, so I can't do anything about the bleeding or the pain. I thought I always did a good job of cleaning my teeth when I was bulimic before. Now I'm not even going to risk it. If I can't even get them looked at. When they fall out I'm completely fucked. See how much Chris is interested in me then. I'm so fucking lame.