Look, fic
I come bearing fic, once again, for anyone out there.
This was a collaboration with another member of the comm who came up with the main framework for the story and some scenes. However she was to also do some illustrations for what I wrote and will not hold up her end of the deal. I don't really feel like hiding this fic on my computer after working hard on it xP
SO HERE WE ARE. It will be a multi-part fic cause it came out REALLY long O_O I just couldn't seem to stop...
Title: I Go Blind
Pairing: Jimmy/Chazz DUH
Rating: Maybe PG-13 here, but it'll get NC17
Wordcount: 3460
Summary: After spending a night together, Jimmy and Chazz learn this one night stand stuff is really more complicated than they thought...
The alarm went off far too loudly and early for both of them. It was set to a local radio station, and the peace and quiet was so suddenly interrupted by the blaring of Hootie and the Blowfish. The room was still dark, and at first there was no movement at all, even as the volume on the alarm went louder, tempting someone to hit the blue blinking snooze button.
In the mornin' I get up, and I try to
Feel alive, but I can't.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I don't know what it is.
Something in me just won't give me a chance.
I think it's that I feel more confused
By the deal love has shown me.
Chazz grunted, finally giving in and trying to open his eyes at least. He reached out for the clock to hit the button, but all he encountered was some curly hair. The radio suddenly went off, which just added to his confusion. He hadn’t touched it. He usually did, because in an effort to force him to get up at a decent time, Jimmy had made him keep the alarm on a shelf next to the top bunk. But Jimmy never came up and hit it for him. Perhaps the power went out, Chazz decided, and he tried to roll over to fall back asleep. He could claim he never heard it.
“Ah ha, you’re not getting off that easily,” came Jimmy’s voice from right next to him. His voice sounded kind of scratchy, as he was just as sleepy as Chazz. It would have sounded normal, except that the voice was a little too close, and then there were fingers on his back.
Chazz’s eyes opened wider and he tried to register what was happening. “Are you in my bed?” he asked, quietly. He may have been a little louder, except the warmth of the bed was still inviting him to close his eyes and sink back in.
“You’re in mine. We’re lucky I thought to get the alarm last night before we-“
“What’d we do?” Chazz asked, and then slowly rolled over onto his back. He was remembering bits and pieces of the night before. He remembered touching Jimmy, and as he woke up, he started to appreciate the familiar feel of Jimmy pressed against him. They were both naked, that much was obvious right away. Jimmy moved closer to him as he rolled over and Chazz could feel him pressing into his hip.
Jimmy smiled, touching Chazz’s arm. “You know what we did, Chazz.”
“Yea…” The visuals became suddenly more graphic and clear, and Chazz suddenly shot up, trying to sit up. “Woah- OW!” Unfortunately, he sat up a little too straight and smacked his head into the bottom of the top bunk - his bunk, the bunk he most certainly was not in.
“Are you okay?” Jimmy asked, not bothering to move.
Chazz looked down at him. Jimmy was so strangely at ease, and he had always thought that…well, he never really thought they would wake up like that despite the many fantasies he had. “How come you’re not freaking out?” he asked, his own voice curving up as if he was going to lose it.
Jimmy studied him, and then shrugged. “I’m just not. What happened, happened. But…” He looked up at Chazz. “You remembered what we said right before, right?”
“Yea…” Chazz frowned and then sank back down, though he rolled on his side and propped his head up on his elbow. “That it was just for tonight. Um, last night, and it was to just have some fun with each other.”
“Nothing wrong with it. Right? I’ve never really done…but it’s okay, right?” Jimmy asked, looking worried. He had taken a very long time to understand sex. It wasn’t the physical act itself, Jimmy was smart enough to know ‘insert tab A into slot B, after having A sucked and handled’, but he didn’t quite get the implications. He had a hard time wrapping his head around the concept of a one night stand, booty calls, and anything that wasn’t sex after marriage.
But Chazz had done pretty well, he figured, to get them where they were at that moment. And he had enjoyed it. But he still wondered if what he did was wrong. He wasn’t going to let that show. “It’s fine, Jimmy. Not like I’ll stop hanging out with you or stop being your partner and best friend. Maybe we can even do it again sometime.”
Jimmy smiled. “No. I’m with Katie, remember? She can’t know about this…Oh no!” He looked up suddenly, and made a face. “Chazz, I just cheated.”
“I’m your best friend. You didn’t cheat. It doesn’t count if it was gay sex.”
“…Really?”
“Those are the rules broth-...uh...Princess.”
Jimmy sighed, and turned away to get out of bed. “I’ll never understand how this works.”
The first thing Jimmy did when he woke up that morning (aside from finding some clothes to cover his nakedness) was give Katie a call. He had a date planned with her that evening, and wanted to make sure it was still on. Chazz was close enough to hear her voice, as he was clinging to the wall and whatever else as he hobbled into the kitchen. His ankle was healing all right, but it was still tender and he couldn’t put weight directly on it. He wasn’t even supposed to be up and on it, actually, but whenever he was offered his crutches he struck the proudest pose he could and declared loudly that he didn’t need five legs. When Jimmy tried to correct him with ‘four legs, not five’, Chazz pointed to his penis and ended the discussion.
“What? Of course we’re still on! Why wouldn’t we be?” Chazz heard Katie say over the phone, a hint of worry in her voice.
But Jimmy smiled brightly. “Oh, no reason I guess, I just woke up a little confused because I went to bed late.”
Chazz smirked and pinched Jimmy’s nipple through his absurdly soft, pink short sleeved shirt. Jimmy gasped and Katie again sounded concerned. “What now?”
“Oh…Chazz dropped a grape and then stepped on it. They suck to clean up, that’s all,” Jimmy said, glaring at Chazz and dodging a pat to his purple pajama-bottomed ass.
Chazz shrugged and went to get his breakfast, debating the wisdom of actually mashing a grape into the floor. That wouldn’t get him anything but a lecture though. And he didn’t feel like getting a tongue lashing for anything except…except…
He thought of the night before and where Jimmy’s tongue had been. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to be raising his towel. He had yet to shower; he just liked to wear it before and after even though Jimmy insisted the habit was unsanitary. Chazz focused on that instead. The fact that he had better get in the damn shower soon because if he didn’t, one of two things would happen - Jimmy would give him shit about the towel, OR Jimmy would get in there first and take forever as he tended to do. Chazz had no idea what he did in there. He liked to think that Jimmy was thinking about him and jacking off.
He was starting to get turned on, so he shook his head at himself and opened the fridge to see what he could find. Poptarts sounded gross, and he didn’t want cereal. Luckily, there was some yogurt in the side of the door. Normally Chazz wasn’t a fan of the healthy food Coach and Jimmy tried to keep on hand, but he DID like him some strawberry yogurt, and if that somehow made him less manly, he was ready to have rough sex with anyone who challenged him.
He closed the door and searched for a spoon as Jimmy spoke. He had kind of forgotten for the moment that Jimmy was there and on the phone, since he was trying not to get a raging boner. He was opening up the little container when he picked up Jimmy’s voice again.
“Okay, so next week I’m meeting your aunt, right? You said she’s nothing like Fairchild and Stranz? Gosh, I sure hope not! They…yea, I’ll be fine. Seriously Katie, I’m okay. I don’t have any weird complications about meeting the rest of your family. In fact, I want to. Because…because I’ll have to get used to them, you know?”
Chazz took his yogurt and left abruptly, going to the bedroom again. He wasn’t supposed to eat in there, but he did all the time anyway. Fuck, if he had to eat certain foods, he was at least going to eat them where he wanted to. He again had to cling to walls and knock over various objects to reach his destination, but he made it - and without breaking any of the precious snow globes that lined Coach’s shelf. There were so many they almost genuinely disturbed Chazz, and he imagined Coach liked to rub them on his balls sometimes.
Once in the bedroom he balanced himself near the sink, shedding his towel and eating right there in the bedroom. He couldn’t shake the weird feelings he felt creeping up on him. Chazz could roll with the punches, and he loved him some casual sex. He didn’t get too attached because he knew he wouldn’t be in it for the long run, and he wasn’t really worried about being gay. He was thinking about it, and attempting to figure out what the previous night’s acts had meant, but he wasn’t about to go into a panic. So maybe he was a little gay, a little bisexual - whatever. An attractive soft body was just that, regardless of what hole he was sticking his dick in.
His main worry went back to the commitment. He didn’t have to worry about marrying Jimmy, or bringing him to meet family, or anything people did in serious relationships. But long term wise, he really did have to think about things - Jimmy was his best friend and his brother, and he would be for the rest of his life. Chazz knew that; as mushy as it was to admit, Jimmy was incredibly dear to his heart and he would always hold him there.
He finished his yogurt and sighed, looking in the mirror. He had bits of pink goop on his lips. Chazz turned on the faucet and selected a plain dark red washcloth with which to wipe his face and clean off his breakfast. Hearing Jimmy talk to Katie like he had was disturbing.
But that just had to be because of the way his life was, right? Chazz was a sex addict. He knew why he was a sex addict: he always felt lonely and just wanted that company, but his wise idea of how to find said company was to jump in bed with them and roll around. He didn’t have to do that with Jimmy. They went through a lot of hatred and hardships together, with each other, and they were certainly closer than Chazz and anyone he had sex with. So why did he end up having sex with Jimmy anyway?
It was likely because he hadn’t had sex in while. That had to be it. And he felt a little weird and bad that he used his best friend…but they had talked and it would be okay.
If that was so, then why did Jimmy’s obvious long-term plans with Katie bother him so much?
Mild jealousy, Chazz decided. He had woken up next to Jimmy that morning, and less than an hour later he was on the phone with a chick. It was nothing major, and later that afternoon, he would be okay. He was still in his waking up stage, after all.
Not being completely confident that was it, Chazz held onto his current thought process anyway and started the shower water.
While Chazz went through his indecisiveness, so did Jimmy. It didn’t hit Jimmy as quickly, although that may have been due to him having Katie. Jimmy felt pretty happy for the first few days after he and Chazz had their fun. He felt satisfied, and loved, knowing he had his best friend and his girlfriend.
But some of Chazz’s actions really confused him. He was very distant the rest of the day after they woke up, and Jimmy panicked a little. The next day, Chazz was joking with him, and friendly. He acted like his old self but Jimmy could kind of tell it was just acting. His mind flashed back to that night:
“Relax, Jimmy.”
“But your hand keeps going lower.”
Chazz kissed him hard, his tongue probing inside Jimmy’s mouth as they stood pressed together in the bedroom, their shirts off and Chazz’s pants completely gone. Chazz’s hand had started out on Jimmy’s upper back, but it made its way down at an alarming pace. He felt his big fingers playing with the edge of his pants, ever so gently poking beneath the jean material.
“You’ll like it,” Chazz said when he drew away from Jimmy’s mouth.
“Maybe I will. Should we be doing this? Won’t it get weird?” Jimmy asked, trying not to groan as Chazz’s massive erection pressed against him and those fingers still surged closer to his ass.
“Nah. It’ll just be something we do. Or did. I grab your crotch for my job, Jimmy.”
“I guess that’s true,” Jimmy giggled. He enjoyed Chazz’s touch. Chazz was so good at what he did. He was so sexy, so big, such a comforting presence in Jimmy’s life that he couldn’t help but melt into him. He wanted to share himself with Chazz.
“You know it is. C’mon. Have some fun with me tonight. You can say stop, if you want, and we never have to do it again, but you’ll like it,” he said, his breath hot on Jimmy’s neck.
Jimmy gasped and his head fell back as Chazz’s hand finally surged forward into his jeans, the rough skin moving over his smooth ass. Jimmy loved it. It felt so good, like Chazz was in control. Well, he was, really. Jimmy was finding himself more and more useless - why had they not fooled around like that before? “Chazz…” he said, unable to concentrate enough to say more than the name.
Chazz licked and sucked at his neck, pressing Jimmy closer to him. “What?”
“More,” Jimmy demanded, wondering how on earth he was able to keep his hips still - and his pants on.
His wondering furthered as Chazz gave him a firm squeeze, and returned his mouth to his lips.
Was that really something they could do so casually? Jimmy wasn’t exactly sure. It felt like so much more when they had been together and Chazz was in control. In the moments following it, and part of the morning they woke up, Jimmy had wondered if he even WANTED it to be casual.
But then he would be gay…gay for his best friend. That was a little too much to take in and ultimately what led him to continue his dates with Katie.
Speaking of which…
“Jimmy? Jimmy? Earth to Jimmy?”
“Huh?” Jimmy snapped to the present time. He was seated across from Katie at a cozy family restaurant, neither of them in the mood for anything fancy. Katie had still dressed nicely, in a red sweater with white buttons up the front and a soft white skirt. She had a little silver necklace around her neck that ended in a small cat charm; it was a third date present she had gotten from Jimmy and she wore it on every date regardless of whether or not it matched the rest of the outfit.
Jimmy had dressed in white slacks and a royal blue shirt - he had tried to go with a baby blue shirt, but Chazz took him by the arm and calmly led him away, explaining that the baby blue looked far too girly than he thought Jimmy should wear, and he would be ‘all kinds of friggin awesome’ if he wore a darker color. Then he insisted on brushing Jimmy’s hair and pampering it. His hair had turned out nicely, less curly and going a little straighter back as he wore it for skating. Jimmy had to hand it to Chazz, he was good at getting him prepared for a date even if he wasn’t so lost and nervous anymore.
“You spaced out,” Katie was saying. “I said I was thinking about getting a pet, maybe a cat, and then you started staring at your coleslaw,” she said, pointing her fork at his dinner plate which contained said coleslaw, mashed potatoes, and a hot turkey sandwich covered in gravy. It wasn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but it certainly wasn’t junk food either.
“Oh. Sorry, I guess I was just thinking about things.”
“Like what?” Katie asked gently.
“Well for one, skating.” He caught Katie sighing. He knew that while she supported him, everything she went through with her siblings had put her off from skating. “I know, I know, but it is important to me.”
“Yes…I’m sorry Jimmy,” Katie said and gave him an encouraging smile.
When she said sorry, she meant it, and Jimmy knew it. He nodded. “Anyway, I’m kind of worried because of Chazz’s ankle. He’s kind of getting on in years for skating, and if he shattered it too much, he might not be able to do a lot of complicated moves…Katie, I’m not ready to give up skating.” That wasn’t what was really bothering him at the moment, but it always nagged at the back of his mind and maybe if he brought it up, he could talk it out and feel better before it had the chance to grow out of control.
Katie waited for him to finish and then seemed to go over it before answering. “Oh…I see. I’m sorry Jimmy. I know you don’t want Chazz’s ankle messed up in general, skating aside.” She would kind of shove skating to the side, Jimmy thought bitterly. But he didn’t bring it up. “But I’m sure he’ll be all right. Chazz has been through a lot. What’s a broken ankle to him?”
Jimmy stopped being bitter and immediately felt bad. She did pay attention and did have a point. Chazz was a tough guy who had overcome a lot of obstacles in his life. The public didn’t know them all, and neither did Katie because Jimmy felt weird telling her personal details about Chazz, but he was well aware of what his friend had been through. Once in a while Chazz still got drunk and would tell him strange things; other times the boys would talk from their bunks before bed and each found it such a comfortable setting that they would voice almost anything on their minds.
ALMOST anything. Jimmy couldn’t help but feel like Chazz was always holding something back, though he couldn’t pinpoint what on earth it was. And especially lately, Chazz had been hard to make sense of. Jimmy worried it was that night, but Chazz was a complex guy, as a newscaster had once noted. He could be worried about his ankle and the skating as well, or any number of things. He was such a question mark to Jimmy, even when he was kissing his cheeks and telling him nice things…the whole one time that had happened.
And that was weird…should he do that with someone he considered a brother? That was like incest. And it made him feel even worse with Katie there, she had already dealt with one incestuous relationship and…Katie! She was talking!
“What!?” Jimmy suddenly said, a little loudly.
Katie jumped a little. “Huh? Oh I was just saying maybe Chazz might like it if we ordered something to take home for him! Are you really okay?”
“Yea…can we change subjects? Sorry I just…I can’t focus when I worry,” he said truthfully, even if he was worrying about something different than what she thought he was. “We’ll order something for Chazz. I think he would really like that,” Jimmy said, a warm feeling growing in him at the thought of making Chazz happy. Regardless of what was going on with them, he really did love Chazz.
Katie nodded. “Okay…” She sounded a little awkward, like she didn’t know where to move to lighten the mood.
Jimmy smiled and dipped his fork into his potatoes. “Why don’t you tell me about the cat you want?” he asked, eager to start listening again. He’d deal with his complex feelings…later. Maybe then he would know what to do about them.
This was a collaboration with another member of the comm who came up with the main framework for the story and some scenes. However she was to also do some illustrations for what I wrote and will not hold up her end of the deal. I don't really feel like hiding this fic on my computer after working hard on it xP
SO HERE WE ARE. It will be a multi-part fic cause it came out REALLY long O_O I just couldn't seem to stop...
Title: I Go Blind
Pairing: Jimmy/Chazz DUH
Rating: Maybe PG-13 here, but it'll get NC17
Wordcount: 3460
Summary: After spending a night together, Jimmy and Chazz learn this one night stand stuff is really more complicated than they thought...
The alarm went off far too loudly and early for both of them. It was set to a local radio station, and the peace and quiet was so suddenly interrupted by the blaring of Hootie and the Blowfish. The room was still dark, and at first there was no movement at all, even as the volume on the alarm went louder, tempting someone to hit the blue blinking snooze button.
In the mornin' I get up, and I try to
Feel alive, but I can't.
Every time I look at you, I go blind.
I don't know what it is.
Something in me just won't give me a chance.
I think it's that I feel more confused
By the deal love has shown me.
Chazz grunted, finally giving in and trying to open his eyes at least. He reached out for the clock to hit the button, but all he encountered was some curly hair. The radio suddenly went off, which just added to his confusion. He hadn’t touched it. He usually did, because in an effort to force him to get up at a decent time, Jimmy had made him keep the alarm on a shelf next to the top bunk. But Jimmy never came up and hit it for him. Perhaps the power went out, Chazz decided, and he tried to roll over to fall back asleep. He could claim he never heard it.
“Ah ha, you’re not getting off that easily,” came Jimmy’s voice from right next to him. His voice sounded kind of scratchy, as he was just as sleepy as Chazz. It would have sounded normal, except that the voice was a little too close, and then there were fingers on his back.
Chazz’s eyes opened wider and he tried to register what was happening. “Are you in my bed?” he asked, quietly. He may have been a little louder, except the warmth of the bed was still inviting him to close his eyes and sink back in.
“You’re in mine. We’re lucky I thought to get the alarm last night before we-“
“What’d we do?” Chazz asked, and then slowly rolled over onto his back. He was remembering bits and pieces of the night before. He remembered touching Jimmy, and as he woke up, he started to appreciate the familiar feel of Jimmy pressed against him. They were both naked, that much was obvious right away. Jimmy moved closer to him as he rolled over and Chazz could feel him pressing into his hip.
Jimmy smiled, touching Chazz’s arm. “You know what we did, Chazz.”
“Yea…” The visuals became suddenly more graphic and clear, and Chazz suddenly shot up, trying to sit up. “Woah- OW!” Unfortunately, he sat up a little too straight and smacked his head into the bottom of the top bunk - his bunk, the bunk he most certainly was not in.
“Are you okay?” Jimmy asked, not bothering to move.
Chazz looked down at him. Jimmy was so strangely at ease, and he had always thought that…well, he never really thought they would wake up like that despite the many fantasies he had. “How come you’re not freaking out?” he asked, his own voice curving up as if he was going to lose it.
Jimmy studied him, and then shrugged. “I’m just not. What happened, happened. But…” He looked up at Chazz. “You remembered what we said right before, right?”
“Yea…” Chazz frowned and then sank back down, though he rolled on his side and propped his head up on his elbow. “That it was just for tonight. Um, last night, and it was to just have some fun with each other.”
“Nothing wrong with it. Right? I’ve never really done…but it’s okay, right?” Jimmy asked, looking worried. He had taken a very long time to understand sex. It wasn’t the physical act itself, Jimmy was smart enough to know ‘insert tab A into slot B, after having A sucked and handled’, but he didn’t quite get the implications. He had a hard time wrapping his head around the concept of a one night stand, booty calls, and anything that wasn’t sex after marriage.
But Chazz had done pretty well, he figured, to get them where they were at that moment. And he had enjoyed it. But he still wondered if what he did was wrong. He wasn’t going to let that show. “It’s fine, Jimmy. Not like I’ll stop hanging out with you or stop being your partner and best friend. Maybe we can even do it again sometime.”
Jimmy smiled. “No. I’m with Katie, remember? She can’t know about this…Oh no!” He looked up suddenly, and made a face. “Chazz, I just cheated.”
“I’m your best friend. You didn’t cheat. It doesn’t count if it was gay sex.”
“…Really?”
“Those are the rules broth-...uh...Princess.”
Jimmy sighed, and turned away to get out of bed. “I’ll never understand how this works.”
The first thing Jimmy did when he woke up that morning (aside from finding some clothes to cover his nakedness) was give Katie a call. He had a date planned with her that evening, and wanted to make sure it was still on. Chazz was close enough to hear her voice, as he was clinging to the wall and whatever else as he hobbled into the kitchen. His ankle was healing all right, but it was still tender and he couldn’t put weight directly on it. He wasn’t even supposed to be up and on it, actually, but whenever he was offered his crutches he struck the proudest pose he could and declared loudly that he didn’t need five legs. When Jimmy tried to correct him with ‘four legs, not five’, Chazz pointed to his penis and ended the discussion.
“What? Of course we’re still on! Why wouldn’t we be?” Chazz heard Katie say over the phone, a hint of worry in her voice.
But Jimmy smiled brightly. “Oh, no reason I guess, I just woke up a little confused because I went to bed late.”
Chazz smirked and pinched Jimmy’s nipple through his absurdly soft, pink short sleeved shirt. Jimmy gasped and Katie again sounded concerned. “What now?”
“Oh…Chazz dropped a grape and then stepped on it. They suck to clean up, that’s all,” Jimmy said, glaring at Chazz and dodging a pat to his purple pajama-bottomed ass.
Chazz shrugged and went to get his breakfast, debating the wisdom of actually mashing a grape into the floor. That wouldn’t get him anything but a lecture though. And he didn’t feel like getting a tongue lashing for anything except…except…
He thought of the night before and where Jimmy’s tongue had been. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to be raising his towel. He had yet to shower; he just liked to wear it before and after even though Jimmy insisted the habit was unsanitary. Chazz focused on that instead. The fact that he had better get in the damn shower soon because if he didn’t, one of two things would happen - Jimmy would give him shit about the towel, OR Jimmy would get in there first and take forever as he tended to do. Chazz had no idea what he did in there. He liked to think that Jimmy was thinking about him and jacking off.
He was starting to get turned on, so he shook his head at himself and opened the fridge to see what he could find. Poptarts sounded gross, and he didn’t want cereal. Luckily, there was some yogurt in the side of the door. Normally Chazz wasn’t a fan of the healthy food Coach and Jimmy tried to keep on hand, but he DID like him some strawberry yogurt, and if that somehow made him less manly, he was ready to have rough sex with anyone who challenged him.
He closed the door and searched for a spoon as Jimmy spoke. He had kind of forgotten for the moment that Jimmy was there and on the phone, since he was trying not to get a raging boner. He was opening up the little container when he picked up Jimmy’s voice again.
“Okay, so next week I’m meeting your aunt, right? You said she’s nothing like Fairchild and Stranz? Gosh, I sure hope not! They…yea, I’ll be fine. Seriously Katie, I’m okay. I don’t have any weird complications about meeting the rest of your family. In fact, I want to. Because…because I’ll have to get used to them, you know?”
Chazz took his yogurt and left abruptly, going to the bedroom again. He wasn’t supposed to eat in there, but he did all the time anyway. Fuck, if he had to eat certain foods, he was at least going to eat them where he wanted to. He again had to cling to walls and knock over various objects to reach his destination, but he made it - and without breaking any of the precious snow globes that lined Coach’s shelf. There were so many they almost genuinely disturbed Chazz, and he imagined Coach liked to rub them on his balls sometimes.
Once in the bedroom he balanced himself near the sink, shedding his towel and eating right there in the bedroom. He couldn’t shake the weird feelings he felt creeping up on him. Chazz could roll with the punches, and he loved him some casual sex. He didn’t get too attached because he knew he wouldn’t be in it for the long run, and he wasn’t really worried about being gay. He was thinking about it, and attempting to figure out what the previous night’s acts had meant, but he wasn’t about to go into a panic. So maybe he was a little gay, a little bisexual - whatever. An attractive soft body was just that, regardless of what hole he was sticking his dick in.
His main worry went back to the commitment. He didn’t have to worry about marrying Jimmy, or bringing him to meet family, or anything people did in serious relationships. But long term wise, he really did have to think about things - Jimmy was his best friend and his brother, and he would be for the rest of his life. Chazz knew that; as mushy as it was to admit, Jimmy was incredibly dear to his heart and he would always hold him there.
He finished his yogurt and sighed, looking in the mirror. He had bits of pink goop on his lips. Chazz turned on the faucet and selected a plain dark red washcloth with which to wipe his face and clean off his breakfast. Hearing Jimmy talk to Katie like he had was disturbing.
But that just had to be because of the way his life was, right? Chazz was a sex addict. He knew why he was a sex addict: he always felt lonely and just wanted that company, but his wise idea of how to find said company was to jump in bed with them and roll around. He didn’t have to do that with Jimmy. They went through a lot of hatred and hardships together, with each other, and they were certainly closer than Chazz and anyone he had sex with. So why did he end up having sex with Jimmy anyway?
It was likely because he hadn’t had sex in while. That had to be it. And he felt a little weird and bad that he used his best friend…but they had talked and it would be okay.
If that was so, then why did Jimmy’s obvious long-term plans with Katie bother him so much?
Mild jealousy, Chazz decided. He had woken up next to Jimmy that morning, and less than an hour later he was on the phone with a chick. It was nothing major, and later that afternoon, he would be okay. He was still in his waking up stage, after all.
Not being completely confident that was it, Chazz held onto his current thought process anyway and started the shower water.
While Chazz went through his indecisiveness, so did Jimmy. It didn’t hit Jimmy as quickly, although that may have been due to him having Katie. Jimmy felt pretty happy for the first few days after he and Chazz had their fun. He felt satisfied, and loved, knowing he had his best friend and his girlfriend.
But some of Chazz’s actions really confused him. He was very distant the rest of the day after they woke up, and Jimmy panicked a little. The next day, Chazz was joking with him, and friendly. He acted like his old self but Jimmy could kind of tell it was just acting. His mind flashed back to that night:
“Relax, Jimmy.”
“But your hand keeps going lower.”
Chazz kissed him hard, his tongue probing inside Jimmy’s mouth as they stood pressed together in the bedroom, their shirts off and Chazz’s pants completely gone. Chazz’s hand had started out on Jimmy’s upper back, but it made its way down at an alarming pace. He felt his big fingers playing with the edge of his pants, ever so gently poking beneath the jean material.
“You’ll like it,” Chazz said when he drew away from Jimmy’s mouth.
“Maybe I will. Should we be doing this? Won’t it get weird?” Jimmy asked, trying not to groan as Chazz’s massive erection pressed against him and those fingers still surged closer to his ass.
“Nah. It’ll just be something we do. Or did. I grab your crotch for my job, Jimmy.”
“I guess that’s true,” Jimmy giggled. He enjoyed Chazz’s touch. Chazz was so good at what he did. He was so sexy, so big, such a comforting presence in Jimmy’s life that he couldn’t help but melt into him. He wanted to share himself with Chazz.
“You know it is. C’mon. Have some fun with me tonight. You can say stop, if you want, and we never have to do it again, but you’ll like it,” he said, his breath hot on Jimmy’s neck.
Jimmy gasped and his head fell back as Chazz’s hand finally surged forward into his jeans, the rough skin moving over his smooth ass. Jimmy loved it. It felt so good, like Chazz was in control. Well, he was, really. Jimmy was finding himself more and more useless - why had they not fooled around like that before? “Chazz…” he said, unable to concentrate enough to say more than the name.
Chazz licked and sucked at his neck, pressing Jimmy closer to him. “What?”
“More,” Jimmy demanded, wondering how on earth he was able to keep his hips still - and his pants on.
His wondering furthered as Chazz gave him a firm squeeze, and returned his mouth to his lips.
Was that really something they could do so casually? Jimmy wasn’t exactly sure. It felt like so much more when they had been together and Chazz was in control. In the moments following it, and part of the morning they woke up, Jimmy had wondered if he even WANTED it to be casual.
But then he would be gay…gay for his best friend. That was a little too much to take in and ultimately what led him to continue his dates with Katie.
Speaking of which…
“Jimmy? Jimmy? Earth to Jimmy?”
“Huh?” Jimmy snapped to the present time. He was seated across from Katie at a cozy family restaurant, neither of them in the mood for anything fancy. Katie had still dressed nicely, in a red sweater with white buttons up the front and a soft white skirt. She had a little silver necklace around her neck that ended in a small cat charm; it was a third date present she had gotten from Jimmy and she wore it on every date regardless of whether or not it matched the rest of the outfit.
Jimmy had dressed in white slacks and a royal blue shirt - he had tried to go with a baby blue shirt, but Chazz took him by the arm and calmly led him away, explaining that the baby blue looked far too girly than he thought Jimmy should wear, and he would be ‘all kinds of friggin awesome’ if he wore a darker color. Then he insisted on brushing Jimmy’s hair and pampering it. His hair had turned out nicely, less curly and going a little straighter back as he wore it for skating. Jimmy had to hand it to Chazz, he was good at getting him prepared for a date even if he wasn’t so lost and nervous anymore.
“You spaced out,” Katie was saying. “I said I was thinking about getting a pet, maybe a cat, and then you started staring at your coleslaw,” she said, pointing her fork at his dinner plate which contained said coleslaw, mashed potatoes, and a hot turkey sandwich covered in gravy. It wasn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but it certainly wasn’t junk food either.
“Oh. Sorry, I guess I was just thinking about things.”
“Like what?” Katie asked gently.
“Well for one, skating.” He caught Katie sighing. He knew that while she supported him, everything she went through with her siblings had put her off from skating. “I know, I know, but it is important to me.”
“Yes…I’m sorry Jimmy,” Katie said and gave him an encouraging smile.
When she said sorry, she meant it, and Jimmy knew it. He nodded. “Anyway, I’m kind of worried because of Chazz’s ankle. He’s kind of getting on in years for skating, and if he shattered it too much, he might not be able to do a lot of complicated moves…Katie, I’m not ready to give up skating.” That wasn’t what was really bothering him at the moment, but it always nagged at the back of his mind and maybe if he brought it up, he could talk it out and feel better before it had the chance to grow out of control.
Katie waited for him to finish and then seemed to go over it before answering. “Oh…I see. I’m sorry Jimmy. I know you don’t want Chazz’s ankle messed up in general, skating aside.” She would kind of shove skating to the side, Jimmy thought bitterly. But he didn’t bring it up. “But I’m sure he’ll be all right. Chazz has been through a lot. What’s a broken ankle to him?”
Jimmy stopped being bitter and immediately felt bad. She did pay attention and did have a point. Chazz was a tough guy who had overcome a lot of obstacles in his life. The public didn’t know them all, and neither did Katie because Jimmy felt weird telling her personal details about Chazz, but he was well aware of what his friend had been through. Once in a while Chazz still got drunk and would tell him strange things; other times the boys would talk from their bunks before bed and each found it such a comfortable setting that they would voice almost anything on their minds.
ALMOST anything. Jimmy couldn’t help but feel like Chazz was always holding something back, though he couldn’t pinpoint what on earth it was. And especially lately, Chazz had been hard to make sense of. Jimmy worried it was that night, but Chazz was a complex guy, as a newscaster had once noted. He could be worried about his ankle and the skating as well, or any number of things. He was such a question mark to Jimmy, even when he was kissing his cheeks and telling him nice things…the whole one time that had happened.
And that was weird…should he do that with someone he considered a brother? That was like incest. And it made him feel even worse with Katie there, she had already dealt with one incestuous relationship and…Katie! She was talking!
“What!?” Jimmy suddenly said, a little loudly.
Katie jumped a little. “Huh? Oh I was just saying maybe Chazz might like it if we ordered something to take home for him! Are you really okay?”
“Yea…can we change subjects? Sorry I just…I can’t focus when I worry,” he said truthfully, even if he was worrying about something different than what she thought he was. “We’ll order something for Chazz. I think he would really like that,” Jimmy said, a warm feeling growing in him at the thought of making Chazz happy. Regardless of what was going on with them, he really did love Chazz.
Katie nodded. “Okay…” She sounded a little awkward, like she didn’t know where to move to lighten the mood.
Jimmy smiled and dipped his fork into his potatoes. “Why don’t you tell me about the cat you want?” he asked, eager to start listening again. He’d deal with his complex feelings…later. Maybe then he would know what to do about them.