my worst fear has come to light....
Every single person, all over everywhere have at least one fear that they of course are afraid to face, or afraid to deal with. And there are the people that have multiple fears, not just two or three, but dozens, some have these fears so strong, they've been classified as phobias. As for me I have fears, I have fears of falling without any sort of control over the outcome, whether it be flying, or a parachute at close hand, or something to prevent the imminent death, or severe pain. I have a fear of spiders, those things just creep me out. I realize that fear is caused by the unknown, or the fact that you do not know about what will happen or what things you fear are like. But my biggest fear is the fear that I will not want to come home, and sadly enough part of me does not want to be here. This part, although very quite small, is still there and that is what bothers me. I love my home, and I love my family, I was so glad to be back home, I was nearly brought to tears when Laura drove down my street yesterday to drop me off. I'm so happy to see my mom, and my sister, and dad, and dog, and even the daycare kids again, but I still have this memory of what happened before my "New Chapter" began when I left for college, and this memory haunts me everyday. Now if you read my previous entry you will see that I explain my thoughts about memory and how yesterday it had affected me, and so really this entry is to further elaborate, and/or reiterate my thoughts previously.
Today I was fortunate to do something that I love and have not been able to do for what I felt was way too long, and that was driving. As I had stated previously, I received a new car, though it is not new as in brand new, it's a 1997 Ford Taurus, it's new in the fact that I did not have it before and now I do. On my "quest" today, I traveled to all the places that were familiar to me, so many to name that it really isn't worth it, but one of those places that really sticks out is Target. Unlike most people I enjoy working at Target, I get paid pretty well, I'm treated fairly, and I enjoy the people that I work with. But with my quest to Target today I was haunted by the memory of events that took place about a month and a half ago, that really kind of made me stand back and take a look at myself, and let me tell you, I didn't like what I saw in the least bit. I am so ashamed of myself, and the person I have become, I realize what a horrible person I truly was in my relationship with someone that I truly and whole heartedly cared for, and a tiny sliver of me still does care ("if how I felt were a pie chart of what someone would do if they won a Million dollars, my current feeling would be the donate to charity slice"-Mitch Headberg). Now that wasn't a direct quote but the people that actually know what I'm talking about would give me shit if I used his quote like that, so back off, I cited my source. I truly am happy for the two people that I know to have found each other and become happy, but I will not lie, it still hurts, and I know for a fact that if it were someone I did not know anything about, or who that person might be it would not have affected me nearly as bad as what has happened. Now I am not here to "bash" anyone, to criticize, or otherwise cut anyone down, so Anonymous if you are reading this please do not leave any more rude comments, I really did not appreciate how you misconstrued my words and twisted them in to what YOU thought I was saying, but if it is so pertinent that I hear you thoughts, do not hide behind an Anonymous tag, if you feel so strongly about your opinion you should have the courage enough to admit your identity.
I realize now that I was a bad person in my relationship and looking back and remembering all that had happened I am to determined to correct my mistakes so I do not make them again, and ruin, yet another happy feeling that I had...once upon a time. I also realize that I during the past few months I vigorously have tried to find another companion but all my attempts have failed miserably, and I hope that my revelation tonight will help correct these miss-attempt. I realized tonight that all this time I was really just looking for a rebound relationship, someone to make me feel better about my own misfortune. I have come to the conclusion that this should not be the case, dating is something that you do because you find something about someone that no one else sees in that person, and you are curious to know what that certain thing is, and so you make elaborate attempts to find out what that certain thing is. Dating to me is finding someone that has the Ying to your Yang, and I'm not saying that you will find this person on the first try, some are so fortune to have that luxury, but for the most part people are not as lucky. You date other people to find the person that you will eventually marry, and I believe that is why there is such a high divorce rate in this world, there so is much pressure from society on couples to settle down as soon as possible and create a family. But with this sudden settling down the couple realizes that they truly aren't meant for each other and that they are better off separated than to be together and so they file for divorce, I do not want to have to go through that process, I feel sorry for the people that do have to go through that, and I feel sadness for the people that choose to go through that. I, until now, have not realized the Ying and Yang concept; I was trying to get a date just to help my sadness and loneliness. Now that I have had this revelation I have a whole new outlook on dating, and relationships, and also women in general I will have more respect for them. I will stop ogling women because they look attractive or dress seductively, I'm still and man, and so of course I'll look but with more of a respectful thought in mind. I will also try and get to know everyone, and become more outgoing, that's one of my biggest faults is that I'm so insecure about my own body that I cannot act how I truly feel around strangers. I have made many friends in college so far, but not as many as I know I can, I plan to change that as well.
I want a relationship again, because I keep recalling all the great and wonderful fun times that I had and how good those made me feel and how I felt so HAPPY. I want that feeling back, but along with that I don’t want to get into a relationship that there are more unhappy times than there are happy times. I don’t know how long this will take me but I hope to find it sometime in my life, perhaps sooner than later. As stand up comedian Dane Cook puts it: "When you're not in love, when you don’t have love, everyone you know is in love. When you don’t have love it feels like there's a party going on and everyone is invited, except for you, and you just happen to be walking beside that house in the rain. But then again, once you're in love that's like being in that party and being like where's my jacket, I want out of here." I remember what love felt like, and as much as it hurts to lose love, it feels just as good, if not better to be in love. I truly feel that I am ready for a relationship with someone that I care for again, and that will care for me, and I hope that I find that someone soon, because I am sad and I am lonely, but I do not want that to be the reason I am jumping into another relationship. I thought what I had before was good and great at times, and at other times it was horrible, but every relationship is like that, you take the good with the bad, but what happened was the bad started to over come the good and it just ended up fizzling out and dying. To end my constant rant I leave you with this quote: "Does he make you laugh? He doesn't make me cry." -Oceans Eleven
This goes out to my friends, the one that have stuck by me through all of my shit and to help me get back on the horse when I fell off, even though I'm not a gymnast.
And for those of you that have stuck through my, what looked to be endless rant I thank you, and positive supportive criticism is always welcome, and please if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t say it, I have not taken a shot at anyone, and if that's what you think then please reread what I have wrote.
Today I was fortunate to do something that I love and have not been able to do for what I felt was way too long, and that was driving. As I had stated previously, I received a new car, though it is not new as in brand new, it's a 1997 Ford Taurus, it's new in the fact that I did not have it before and now I do. On my "quest" today, I traveled to all the places that were familiar to me, so many to name that it really isn't worth it, but one of those places that really sticks out is Target. Unlike most people I enjoy working at Target, I get paid pretty well, I'm treated fairly, and I enjoy the people that I work with. But with my quest to Target today I was haunted by the memory of events that took place about a month and a half ago, that really kind of made me stand back and take a look at myself, and let me tell you, I didn't like what I saw in the least bit. I am so ashamed of myself, and the person I have become, I realize what a horrible person I truly was in my relationship with someone that I truly and whole heartedly cared for, and a tiny sliver of me still does care ("if how I felt were a pie chart of what someone would do if they won a Million dollars, my current feeling would be the donate to charity slice"-Mitch Headberg). Now that wasn't a direct quote but the people that actually know what I'm talking about would give me shit if I used his quote like that, so back off, I cited my source. I truly am happy for the two people that I know to have found each other and become happy, but I will not lie, it still hurts, and I know for a fact that if it were someone I did not know anything about, or who that person might be it would not have affected me nearly as bad as what has happened. Now I am not here to "bash" anyone, to criticize, or otherwise cut anyone down, so Anonymous if you are reading this please do not leave any more rude comments, I really did not appreciate how you misconstrued my words and twisted them in to what YOU thought I was saying, but if it is so pertinent that I hear you thoughts, do not hide behind an Anonymous tag, if you feel so strongly about your opinion you should have the courage enough to admit your identity.
I realize now that I was a bad person in my relationship and looking back and remembering all that had happened I am to determined to correct my mistakes so I do not make them again, and ruin, yet another happy feeling that I had...once upon a time. I also realize that I during the past few months I vigorously have tried to find another companion but all my attempts have failed miserably, and I hope that my revelation tonight will help correct these miss-attempt. I realized tonight that all this time I was really just looking for a rebound relationship, someone to make me feel better about my own misfortune. I have come to the conclusion that this should not be the case, dating is something that you do because you find something about someone that no one else sees in that person, and you are curious to know what that certain thing is, and so you make elaborate attempts to find out what that certain thing is. Dating to me is finding someone that has the Ying to your Yang, and I'm not saying that you will find this person on the first try, some are so fortune to have that luxury, but for the most part people are not as lucky. You date other people to find the person that you will eventually marry, and I believe that is why there is such a high divorce rate in this world, there so is much pressure from society on couples to settle down as soon as possible and create a family. But with this sudden settling down the couple realizes that they truly aren't meant for each other and that they are better off separated than to be together and so they file for divorce, I do not want to have to go through that process, I feel sorry for the people that do have to go through that, and I feel sadness for the people that choose to go through that. I, until now, have not realized the Ying and Yang concept; I was trying to get a date just to help my sadness and loneliness. Now that I have had this revelation I have a whole new outlook on dating, and relationships, and also women in general I will have more respect for them. I will stop ogling women because they look attractive or dress seductively, I'm still and man, and so of course I'll look but with more of a respectful thought in mind. I will also try and get to know everyone, and become more outgoing, that's one of my biggest faults is that I'm so insecure about my own body that I cannot act how I truly feel around strangers. I have made many friends in college so far, but not as many as I know I can, I plan to change that as well.
I want a relationship again, because I keep recalling all the great and wonderful fun times that I had and how good those made me feel and how I felt so HAPPY. I want that feeling back, but along with that I don’t want to get into a relationship that there are more unhappy times than there are happy times. I don’t know how long this will take me but I hope to find it sometime in my life, perhaps sooner than later. As stand up comedian Dane Cook puts it: "When you're not in love, when you don’t have love, everyone you know is in love. When you don’t have love it feels like there's a party going on and everyone is invited, except for you, and you just happen to be walking beside that house in the rain. But then again, once you're in love that's like being in that party and being like where's my jacket, I want out of here." I remember what love felt like, and as much as it hurts to lose love, it feels just as good, if not better to be in love. I truly feel that I am ready for a relationship with someone that I care for again, and that will care for me, and I hope that I find that someone soon, because I am sad and I am lonely, but I do not want that to be the reason I am jumping into another relationship. I thought what I had before was good and great at times, and at other times it was horrible, but every relationship is like that, you take the good with the bad, but what happened was the bad started to over come the good and it just ended up fizzling out and dying. To end my constant rant I leave you with this quote: "Does he make you laugh? He doesn't make me cry." -Oceans Eleven
This goes out to my friends, the one that have stuck by me through all of my shit and to help me get back on the horse when I fell off, even though I'm not a gymnast.
And for those of you that have stuck through my, what looked to be endless rant I thank you, and positive supportive criticism is always welcome, and please if you don’t have anything nice to say please don’t say it, I have not taken a shot at anyone, and if that's what you think then please reread what I have wrote.