Going through the motions until they become routine.
So, it's already been almost a month.
Running through cycles and getting familiarized with myself again. It feels strange, sweeping up the broken pieces and putting myself back together. There are still moments where I stop and sit down and have to figure things out again, where I try to get used to this new...well, new me. The more time passes the more I feel settled into my skin, but it still feels too tight sometimes.
I think I miss the security the most. I've given up on trying to defend myself, that is, if I ever bothered to in the first place. I just can't bring myself to care enough to complain. It never really makes a difference, and by the time it would matter I've long since forgotten all about it.
Anyway.
My ear seems to be clearing up. I actually went to see a doctor about it, and fortunately the problem wasn't serious. Some medication and I should be fine. I also had blood work done while I was there, and the results just confirmed what I already knew. I'm seriously anemic, and they want me taking iron and vitamin C supplements to help. What I really need of course is to get my nerves tested again, see how bad the damage has gotten. It's been 3? 4? years since I was last tested and they were already thinking surgery back then.
I'm not sure I want to know about now.
Things have been changing for my family as well. My younger brother is gone now, moved down to Hawaii into the condo my mother has there. She went down to join him and help him get settled in. I hope being so far away will help him finally become the person I've seen glimpses of under the surface of his punk-ass nature. I've made it no secret that I don't like his friends or his bad habits, and that I hate the influences he takes up, so hopefully being away from all of that will give him a fresh start and nourish those better parts of him. Kid's always lacked a proper direction. Maybe he'll find it now.
My sister will also be leaving next month, moving to California with my grandfather for a while until she gets settled in. Not sure how I feel about that. It's weird to picture her a California girl. I guess it's because my impression of her is more New York than LA, more east coast than west. Not that either location is better than the other in my book. I hate the coasts.
She seems pretty anxious about it, but I think she'll be alright. I don't see her having too hard a time finding work or making friends. She's got that natural feisty Spanish attitude backing her up. I think her biggest hurdle will be getting used to the price difference. Fucking LA. Everything's so expensive there.
And my mom? Well, her I worry about a little. I can't quite pin her down right now, about how she'll handle being alone in her house. She gets out enough I suppose, but she doesn't have...the right support, I guess? To handle being an empty nester. Maybe she'll surprise me. I don't know. I know how she feels about being alone. She needs more hobbies.
Well, I've got my own problems to worry about first. It feels like I've spent my whole life putting my life together, but I'm no closer to really figuring out what to do with it. Especially now that they've knocked out the part that was comfortable with just working, just doing whatever job I had to the best of my ability.
Where do I go from here? I still have things I want to accomplish, things I haven't crossed off my list of wanting in my future. Like kids.
If I could just figure out how to scratch this itch I have. Everything feels so wasted, but where do I start? I want to feel right. I think that's what I've been waiting for.
I hope I don't have to wait much longer.
Running through cycles and getting familiarized with myself again. It feels strange, sweeping up the broken pieces and putting myself back together. There are still moments where I stop and sit down and have to figure things out again, where I try to get used to this new...well, new me. The more time passes the more I feel settled into my skin, but it still feels too tight sometimes.
I think I miss the security the most. I've given up on trying to defend myself, that is, if I ever bothered to in the first place. I just can't bring myself to care enough to complain. It never really makes a difference, and by the time it would matter I've long since forgotten all about it.
Anyway.
My ear seems to be clearing up. I actually went to see a doctor about it, and fortunately the problem wasn't serious. Some medication and I should be fine. I also had blood work done while I was there, and the results just confirmed what I already knew. I'm seriously anemic, and they want me taking iron and vitamin C supplements to help. What I really need of course is to get my nerves tested again, see how bad the damage has gotten. It's been 3? 4? years since I was last tested and they were already thinking surgery back then.
I'm not sure I want to know about now.
Things have been changing for my family as well. My younger brother is gone now, moved down to Hawaii into the condo my mother has there. She went down to join him and help him get settled in. I hope being so far away will help him finally become the person I've seen glimpses of under the surface of his punk-ass nature. I've made it no secret that I don't like his friends or his bad habits, and that I hate the influences he takes up, so hopefully being away from all of that will give him a fresh start and nourish those better parts of him. Kid's always lacked a proper direction. Maybe he'll find it now.
My sister will also be leaving next month, moving to California with my grandfather for a while until she gets settled in. Not sure how I feel about that. It's weird to picture her a California girl. I guess it's because my impression of her is more New York than LA, more east coast than west. Not that either location is better than the other in my book. I hate the coasts.
She seems pretty anxious about it, but I think she'll be alright. I don't see her having too hard a time finding work or making friends. She's got that natural feisty Spanish attitude backing her up. I think her biggest hurdle will be getting used to the price difference. Fucking LA. Everything's so expensive there.
And my mom? Well, her I worry about a little. I can't quite pin her down right now, about how she'll handle being alone in her house. She gets out enough I suppose, but she doesn't have...the right support, I guess? To handle being an empty nester. Maybe she'll surprise me. I don't know. I know how she feels about being alone. She needs more hobbies.
Well, I've got my own problems to worry about first. It feels like I've spent my whole life putting my life together, but I'm no closer to really figuring out what to do with it. Especially now that they've knocked out the part that was comfortable with just working, just doing whatever job I had to the best of my ability.
Where do I go from here? I still have things I want to accomplish, things I haven't crossed off my list of wanting in my future. Like kids.
If I could just figure out how to scratch this itch I have. Everything feels so wasted, but where do I start? I want to feel right. I think that's what I've been waiting for.
I hope I don't have to wait much longer.