A list of sorts
I moving my Quotes/Funny Internet Phrases list from Fanfiction.net to here. Ignore this unless you want to read three hundred something quotes.
1. I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct. (I’m a re-enactor leave me alone!)
2. She said she is a Dodgers fan even thru the rotten years! (Theirs a lot of those!)
3. Blame my speling mastakes on my penicel. (Yes know I spelled 'spelling' & 'penical' wrong)
4. thou shall not park hear (a parking sign at my church)
5. they lost! Why do they get the good parking? (Stupid confederates...)
6. Breadsticks taste like bread! (The’ takes the cake ' for randomness award to... Erin!)
7. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
8. Ladies & Gentleman, take my advice, take off your pants & slide on the ice.
9. If we weren't all crazy we all go insane.
10. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one!
11. We are not retreating; we are simply advancing in the other direction!
12. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a pack...Coincidence? I think not...
13. Accept that some days you are the pidgeon and others the statue.
14. When the going gets tough, the tough get going; this is also sometimes known as a tactical retreat!
15. Everyone has a photographic memory; some are just out of film
16. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
17. Friends post your bail. True friends are sitting beside you saying 'Damn that was fun!'
18. Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee
with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"
19. He who dies with the most money is, nonetheless, still dead
20. Caution: I drive like you do!
21. I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
22. My beer is too cold; my cocktail's too fruitiful
23. Now was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no way civilized.
24. If she was man enough; she'd were a dress!
25. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Like Congress.
26. You say 'fangirl' like it’s a bad thing.
27. Anime guys are so much better than real guys.
28. If con is the opposite pro; then is congress the opposite of progress?
29. Fight back! Fill out your tax forms in Roman numerals!
30. I haven't lost my mind. I sold it on e - bay!
31. As I lay on my bed, looking up at the stars, I wonder. Where the hell is my
ceiling?
32. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth...
33. If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
34. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly, and for the same reason.
35. If you say "That ain't funny" three times while watching Blue Collar TV ...you might be a red neck.
36. Life is like food. There's the good and the bad and then there's the crap your parents make you eat.
37. How about we don't, say we did, and then move to Mexico?
38. Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door
39. as income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two
words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
40. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
41. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
42. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
43. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
44. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
45. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
46. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
47. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
48. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
49. HE, WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
50. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
51. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
52. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
53. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
54. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
55. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
56. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
57. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
58. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
59. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST AND BE PROUD OF IT!
60. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
61. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
62. WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
63. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
64. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
65. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
66. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
67. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
68. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
69. I bet your glad we didn't wait till the last minute
70. If A= success then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work, y is play and z is keep your mouth shut!
71. I will live forever or die trying! XD (like scientology!)
72. Everyday I'm forced to add to the list of people who really piss me off
73. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession
74. "By putting this on you've started a chain of events that could unleash the next
apocalypse (sp?)." (Alex gasps) (Rick points to what's-his-name-Medji-guy.)"You,
lighten up." (Rick points at Alex.)"You, big trouble." (Rick points at Jonathan.) "You, get in the car."- The Mummy Returns
75. we love vegetarians. More beef for us.
76. Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Work like you don't need the money.
Live like its Heaven on Earth.
77. Jonathan Zimmerman's butt can't be perfect! It has a crack in it!(My little brother said this after i mention Jonathan Zimmerman's butt he's a famoushot non-gay ice figure skater! finally!)
78. Hmmm...wonder what happened to clouds one through eight?
79. wonder what happened to clouds one through eight? Only when wandering through Sears wondering where the heck is Roebuck? (my mom)
80. Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
81."The cheese! The cheese is attacking, save yourselves! Oh crap! It's not just any cheese! It's CHEDDAR!"--The Journey Begins by iluvcowzjc
82. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
83. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
84. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
85. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
86. Sergeant: Boys, I was eating a piece of hard tack this morning and I bit on something soft; what do you think it was?
Private: A worm?
Sergeant: No, by God, it was a ten penny nail. (Renactor joke sorry!)
87. Dee-de-Dee(mind of mencia!)
88. "When one door closes, you can always break a window."-Broken Windows byLetishia
89. You know someone is your true friend when you call them up and tell them, "I just killed somebody" and they reply, "Okay, where can we hide the body?"
90. Women who behave rarely make history.
91. It's not what your thinkin' it wasn't the drinkin'... this man died of tirst!- Johnny Tar by Gaelic Storm
92. Guys are like lava lamps. Not very bright but fun to look at.
93. My friend Diana(dan) looks @ munchkin (aka littlebrother) & says "this is our future..." munchkin (whouse eating goldfish crackers)promtly satrts pounding the poor goldfish cracker to dust. "...god we are screwed"
94. We play, we sing,we drink,we dance ...not always in that order
95. "shoot @ will!" "I'm not Will!"
96. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
97. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
98. When French people swear do they say "pardon my English?"
99. Love is like a roller coaster: Once it's over, you throw up.
100. I believe my last words shall be: "Hey everybody! Watch this!"
101. Don't take life too seriously; none of us are getting out alive.
102. If the first amendment is freedom of speech, why do we have phone bills?
103. "Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.
"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern.
"Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name is Remus Lupin..."- Harry Potter 5
104. I may be strait but i'm not narrow!
105. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -Charles Schultz
106. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
107. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
108. "I'm not crazy! i'm fun." -my Dad
109. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
110. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with sagging tattoos?
111. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia
112. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
113. "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Regan
114. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
115. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
116. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
117. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
118. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
119. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
120.Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
121. In college weekends start on Thursday, in high school weekends start in summer.
122. If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
123. Flattery makes friends and truth makes enemies.
124. I am having an out of money experience.
125. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
126. Why is the word abbreviation such a long word?
127. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
128. All generalizations are false, including this one.
129. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
130. Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
131. I can't decide if indecision is good or bad.
132. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
133. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
134. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
135. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
136. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
137. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
138. Indecision is the key to flexibility
139. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
140. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
141. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
142. When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
143. "Call me a squril, grease me up & put me on a fryin' pan!" - Onii-chan!
144. Thouse in power write the history, thouse who suffer write the songs
145. When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
146. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
147. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
148. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
149. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
150. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
151. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
152. "I'm going to Die!" said a friend who has a lead in the musical my school is doing. I say "I hope we have a good understudy." comeplety deadpan.
153. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
154. I had to smash something, and you just happened to be the first thing I saw
154. You can't make somone love you. All you can do is stalk them with hopes that they'll panic and give in.
156. Every piece of paper has two good sides. Unless you use a magic marker, then you're fucked
157. It takes fourty-two muscles to frown and only four to extend your middle finger and say 'Bite me!' in a really bitchy tone
158. Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back, it simply means that you are two steps ahead.
159. Don't analyze my beliefs, and I won't pick out the flaws in yours
160. Crazy enough to kill (and smart enough to get away with it).
161. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
162. Conformity is the disease, rebellion is the cure.
163. Don't judge me based on your ignorance.
164. People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours
165. Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps...
166. It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful...
167. Sometimes 'the majority' only means all the fools are on the same side.
168. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
169. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
170. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
171. Never buy a car you can't push.
172. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
173. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
174. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
175. We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names.
176. Eat healthy. Exercise daily. Die anyway.
177. English : a language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages & rifles through their pokets for spare vocabulary.
178. "Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running up to them, flapping his arms and shrieking...sorry, Hermione." - Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. British Edition, pg. 331
179. "I'm not in denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I wish to accept." - Calvin and Hobbes
180. "History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever." -Mariemaia Kushranada
181. Tigger: "Show 'em what you're made of, buddy bear."
Pooh: "Um...Fluff?" - Tigger and Pooh
182. “A revolution is impossible without a revolutionary situation; furthermore, not every revolutionary situation leads to revolution.” - Vladimir Lenin
183. “Any law which violates the inalienable rights of man is essentially unjust and tyrannical; it is not a law at all.” - Maximilien Robespierre
184. “I may not agree in what you believe in but I defend to the death your right to say it!” Voltair
185. "Man was born free, and everywhere he is in chains."
186. "One by one, the Penguins steal my sanity." Wrestling with Dragons-- Ellen Brand
187. Divine intervention isn't dead, it's just gotten subtle. --Ellen Brand
188. If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you will inhale a bee.
189. Women are the only oppressed group in our society that lives in intimate association with their opressors. ~Evelyn Cunningham
190. "One of the world's most popular entertainment is a deck of cards, which contains thirteen each of four suits, highlighted by kings, queens, and jacks, who are possibly the queen's younger, more attractive boyfriends."
191. "A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded."
192. "A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between countries, so the officials can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly."
193. "Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them."
194. Life is not a struggle ... it's a wiggle (i found this in a fortion cookie)
195. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
196. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
197. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
198. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
199. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
200. Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
201. LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL
202. money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
203. Don't Drink and Drive, You might hit a bump and spill something.
204. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
205. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
206. Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog
207. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
208. Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
209. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
210. Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.
211. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
212. Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
213. Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
214. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
215. GUN CONTROL: using both hands
216. The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
217. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 of the population
218. Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.
219. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
220. The truth dose not change according to our ability to stomach it.
221. I'd rather be in the crowd; not of it.
222. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go arye." To a mouse by Robert Burns
223. There are no stupid qustions only inqustive idiots.
224. I’m not short! I’m Chibi sized for your convenience!
225. The loneliness was still there; but it was getting louder & easier to dance to.
226. Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
227. Please cancel my subscription; I am tired of your issues.
228. I've broken lots of bones... none where mine, of course... some guy in my philosphy class
229. I sold my soul to that stage in freshman year, whether I knew it or not then; and somehow I don't regreat it!
230. God wants Spiritual Fruits NOT religious nuts
231. Don't bother me, I'm wasting potential.
232. I Know Violence Isn't The Answer, I Got It Wrong On Purpose
233. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
234. I used to consider you a pain in the neck, now I have a much lower opinion of you.
235. Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
236. "God is dead." - Nietzsche - 1888
237. "Nietzsche is dead." - God - 1900
238. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
239. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
240. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
241. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
242. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
243. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
244. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
245. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
246. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
247. And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
248. Its not PMS ... it's you...
249. Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research.
250.NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
251. Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry... I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.
252. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
253. Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa
254. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. (i know i already have a version of this but i could not help it!)
255. "Ever get directions in Toronto? They can end up sounding sexual. They can because they name streets after people. I was getting directions on the phone and I thought the lady was having phone sex with me. Swear to god she was all 'Well you get off on the Gardener. You go down on Leslie. And you end up in John. That's right, John goes both ways.' What--?" - Russell Peters
256. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police
257. I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.
258. Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
259. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
260. I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser.
261. Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
262. You're not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing.
263. The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
264. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
265. Sarcasm is one more free service I offer. Compassion costs extra.
266. You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there!
267. Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon!
268. It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet
269. Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation??
270. He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own
271. He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness
272. When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work...RUN LIKE HELL!
273. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
274. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
275. Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine
276. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. (true, too true!)
277. Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
278. People who say money is the root of all evil, never had any to being with!
279. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother; be never so vile. - King Henry V. Act iv. Sc. 3. William Shakespeare
280. Kids in the backseat cause accidents; Accidents in the backseats cause kids.
281. You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") - Daily Humorscope
282. "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." - Oscar Wilde
283. "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Last words of Pancho Villa
284. Real friends stab you in the front. - Oscar Wilde
285. God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. - Dr. Ian Malcolm
Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth. -Dr. Ellie Sattler
286. Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever.
287. "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey
288. Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. - Robert Frost
289. Very interesting! - Laugh In's Nazi Guy
290. "I just lost my train of thought!"- My Friend Daniy
"... Does a train of thought have a track?" - My other Friend Perla
"Mine does; it goes around in circles!" -Daniy
( this quote was bought to you by Choir Class. I'm going to miss that class)
291. If at first you don't succeed, Cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
292. "Anything you can do I can do backwards and in high heels"- Alan Shore
293. Parents: when you here the words "uh-oh!" and the toilet flushing... it's already too late.
294. It's not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.
295. Guys should be like lattes-rich, strong, and hot.
296. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
297. Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge.
298. When in life you fall down, do not look for the problem where you landed. Look for the problem at where you tripped. - Ancient African Proverb
299.Courage is not the absence of fear. No, courage is the realization that there is something you find more horrible than fear. - Unknown
300 Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
301. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
302. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
303. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
304. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
305. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
306. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
307. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."- Winston Churchill, in response.
308. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
309. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
310. “You can lead a hooker to a book, but you can’t make her read.”- Dorothy Parker
311. “Yes madam, I am drunk and obnoxious this evening. But you are fat and ugly, and in the morning I’ll be sober.” - W.C. Fields
312. 'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder
313. 'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard
314. 'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford
315. "Mutual ignorance breeds mutual distrust." - Andrew Carnegie
316. If you ever have reason to doubt the activity or clout of the Gaming Control Board, try walking around the Las Vegas Strip or downtown in a dark business suit and plain black shoes. You will attract more attention from the casino management than if you entered with a parrot on your head.
317. I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
318. The psychology exam was a piece of cake, which surprised me. I thought it would be questions on a sheet of paper.
319. "Acting: An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." - Ralph Richardson
320. "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." - Winston Churchill
321. "Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public." - Winston Churchill
322. "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." - George S. Patton
323. "May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't." -Patton
324. "If everyone is thinking alike, someone isn't thinking." -George S. Patton
325. "Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way." - Patton
326. "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing-after they’ve tried everything else" -Churchill
327. "We're hopelessly lost but we're ahead of schedule, so let's pull over and dance!" - My Dad.
328. Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.
329. Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.
330. Life is not passing me by, it is trying to run me over.
331. Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to make it work again.
332. Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?" and a voice answers back, "When you decided to shoot the idiots rather than blow them up and got us thrown in jail."
333. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
334. I'm the person you're mother warned you to avoid making friends with.
335. I please only one person a day; today is not you're day and tommorrow isn't looking so good either.
336. There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and my way, which is still wrong but much faster!
337. "Don't knock the Weather. If it didn't change once in a while, 9 out of 10 people couldn't start a conversation." - Kin Hubbard
338. One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
339. Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach them how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks!
340. "I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string." - Anonymous
1. I'd rather be historically accurate than politically correct. (I’m a re-enactor leave me alone!)
2. She said she is a Dodgers fan even thru the rotten years! (Theirs a lot of those!)
3. Blame my speling mastakes on my penicel. (Yes know I spelled 'spelling' & 'penical' wrong)
4. thou shall not park hear (a parking sign at my church)
5. they lost! Why do they get the good parking? (Stupid confederates...)
6. Breadsticks taste like bread! (The’ takes the cake ' for randomness award to... Erin!)
7. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
8. Ladies & Gentleman, take my advice, take off your pants & slide on the ice.
9. If we weren't all crazy we all go insane.
10. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one!
11. We are not retreating; we are simply advancing in the other direction!
12. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a pack...Coincidence? I think not...
13. Accept that some days you are the pidgeon and others the statue.
14. When the going gets tough, the tough get going; this is also sometimes known as a tactical retreat!
15. Everyone has a photographic memory; some are just out of film
16. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
17. Friends post your bail. True friends are sitting beside you saying 'Damn that was fun!'
18. Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavor your coffee
with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"
19. He who dies with the most money is, nonetheless, still dead
20. Caution: I drive like you do!
21. I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
22. My beer is too cold; my cocktail's too fruitiful
23. Now was that civilized? No, clearly not. Fun, but in no way civilized.
24. If she was man enough; she'd were a dress!
25. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Like Congress.
26. You say 'fangirl' like it’s a bad thing.
27. Anime guys are so much better than real guys.
28. If con is the opposite pro; then is congress the opposite of progress?
29. Fight back! Fill out your tax forms in Roman numerals!
30. I haven't lost my mind. I sold it on e - bay!
31. As I lay on my bed, looking up at the stars, I wonder. Where the hell is my
ceiling?
32. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth...
33. If it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them?
34. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly, and for the same reason.
35. If you say "That ain't funny" three times while watching Blue Collar TV ...you might be a red neck.
36. Life is like food. There's the good and the bad and then there's the crap your parents make you eat.
37. How about we don't, say we did, and then move to Mexico?
38. Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried slamming a revolving door
39. as income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two
words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
40. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
41. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
42. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
43. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
44. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
45. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
46. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
47. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
48. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
49. HE, WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
50. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
51. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
52. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
53. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
54. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
55. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
56. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
57. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
58. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
59. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST AND BE PROUD OF IT!
60. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
61. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
62. WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
63. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
64. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
65. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
66. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
67. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
68. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
69. I bet your glad we didn't wait till the last minute
70. If A= success then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. X is work, y is play and z is keep your mouth shut!
71. I will live forever or die trying! XD (like scientology!)
72. Everyday I'm forced to add to the list of people who really piss me off
73. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession
74. "By putting this on you've started a chain of events that could unleash the next
apocalypse (sp?)." (Alex gasps) (Rick points to what's-his-name-Medji-guy.)"You,
lighten up." (Rick points at Alex.)"You, big trouble." (Rick points at Jonathan.) "You, get in the car."- The Mummy Returns
75. we love vegetarians. More beef for us.
76. Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Work like you don't need the money.
Live like its Heaven on Earth.
77. Jonathan Zimmerman's butt can't be perfect! It has a crack in it!(My little brother said this after i mention Jonathan Zimmerman's butt he's a famoushot non-gay ice figure skater! finally!)
78. Hmmm...wonder what happened to clouds one through eight?
79. wonder what happened to clouds one through eight? Only when wandering through Sears wondering where the heck is Roebuck? (my mom)
80. Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
81."The cheese! The cheese is attacking, save yourselves! Oh crap! It's not just any cheese! It's CHEDDAR!"--The Journey Begins by iluvcowzjc
82. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
83. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
84. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
85. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
86. Sergeant: Boys, I was eating a piece of hard tack this morning and I bit on something soft; what do you think it was?
Private: A worm?
Sergeant: No, by God, it was a ten penny nail. (Renactor joke sorry!)
87. Dee-de-Dee(mind of mencia!)
88. "When one door closes, you can always break a window."-Broken Windows byLetishia
89. You know someone is your true friend when you call them up and tell them, "I just killed somebody" and they reply, "Okay, where can we hide the body?"
90. Women who behave rarely make history.
91. It's not what your thinkin' it wasn't the drinkin'... this man died of tirst!- Johnny Tar by Gaelic Storm
92. Guys are like lava lamps. Not very bright but fun to look at.
93. My friend Diana(dan) looks @ munchkin (aka littlebrother) & says "this is our future..." munchkin (whouse eating goldfish crackers)promtly satrts pounding the poor goldfish cracker to dust. "...god we are screwed"
94. We play, we sing,we drink,we dance ...not always in that order
95. "shoot @ will!" "I'm not Will!"
96. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
97. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
98. When French people swear do they say "pardon my English?"
99. Love is like a roller coaster: Once it's over, you throw up.
100. I believe my last words shall be: "Hey everybody! Watch this!"
101. Don't take life too seriously; none of us are getting out alive.
102. If the first amendment is freedom of speech, why do we have phone bills?
103. "Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.
"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern.
"Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name is Remus Lupin..."- Harry Potter 5
104. I may be strait but i'm not narrow!
105. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -Charles Schultz
106. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
107. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
108. "I'm not crazy! i'm fun." -my Dad
109. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
110. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with sagging tattoos?
111. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia
112. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
113. "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Regan
114. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
115. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
116. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
117. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
118. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
119. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
120.Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
121. In college weekends start on Thursday, in high school weekends start in summer.
122. If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
123. Flattery makes friends and truth makes enemies.
124. I am having an out of money experience.
125. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
126. Why is the word abbreviation such a long word?
127. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
128. All generalizations are false, including this one.
129. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
130. Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
131. I can't decide if indecision is good or bad.
132. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
133. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
134. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
135. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
136. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
137. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
138. Indecision is the key to flexibility
139. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
140. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
141. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
142. When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
143. "Call me a squril, grease me up & put me on a fryin' pan!" - Onii-chan!
144. Thouse in power write the history, thouse who suffer write the songs
145. When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
146. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
147. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
148. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
149. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
150. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
151. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
152. "I'm going to Die!" said a friend who has a lead in the musical my school is doing. I say "I hope we have a good understudy." comeplety deadpan.
153. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
154. I had to smash something, and you just happened to be the first thing I saw
154. You can't make somone love you. All you can do is stalk them with hopes that they'll panic and give in.
156. Every piece of paper has two good sides. Unless you use a magic marker, then you're fucked
157. It takes fourty-two muscles to frown and only four to extend your middle finger and say 'Bite me!' in a really bitchy tone
158. Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back, it simply means that you are two steps ahead.
159. Don't analyze my beliefs, and I won't pick out the flaws in yours
160. Crazy enough to kill (and smart enough to get away with it).
161. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
162. Conformity is the disease, rebellion is the cure.
163. Don't judge me based on your ignorance.
164. People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours
165. Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps...
166. It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful...
167. Sometimes 'the majority' only means all the fools are on the same side.
168. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
169. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
170. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
171. Never buy a car you can't push.
172. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
173. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
174. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
175. We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names.
176. Eat healthy. Exercise daily. Die anyway.
177. English : a language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages & rifles through their pokets for spare vocabulary.
178. "Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running up to them, flapping his arms and shrieking...sorry, Hermione." - Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. British Edition, pg. 331
179. "I'm not in denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I wish to accept." - Calvin and Hobbes
180. "History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever." -Mariemaia Kushranada
181. Tigger: "Show 'em what you're made of, buddy bear."
Pooh: "Um...Fluff?" - Tigger and Pooh
182. “A revolution is impossible without a revolutionary situation; furthermore, not every revolutionary situation leads to revolution.” - Vladimir Lenin
183. “Any law which violates the inalienable rights of man is essentially unjust and tyrannical; it is not a law at all.” - Maximilien Robespierre
184. “I may not agree in what you believe in but I defend to the death your right to say it!” Voltair
185. "Man was born free, and everywhere he is in chains."
186. "One by one, the Penguins steal my sanity." Wrestling with Dragons-- Ellen Brand
187. Divine intervention isn't dead, it's just gotten subtle. --Ellen Brand
188. If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you will inhale a bee.
189. Women are the only oppressed group in our society that lives in intimate association with their opressors. ~Evelyn Cunningham
190. "One of the world's most popular entertainment is a deck of cards, which contains thirteen each of four suits, highlighted by kings, queens, and jacks, who are possibly the queen's younger, more attractive boyfriends."
191. "A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded."
192. "A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between countries, so the officials can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteringly."
193. "Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them."
194. Life is not a struggle ... it's a wiggle (i found this in a fortion cookie)
195. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
196. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
197. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
198. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
199. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
200. Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
201. LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTH CONTROL
202. money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
203. Don't Drink and Drive, You might hit a bump and spill something.
204. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
205. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
206. Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog
207. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
208. Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
209. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
210. Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.
211. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
212. Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
213. Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
214. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
215. GUN CONTROL: using both hands
216. The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
217. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 of the population
218. Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist '.
219. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
220. The truth dose not change according to our ability to stomach it.
221. I'd rather be in the crowd; not of it.
222. "The best laid plans of mice and men often go arye." To a mouse by Robert Burns
223. There are no stupid qustions only inqustive idiots.
224. I’m not short! I’m Chibi sized for your convenience!
225. The loneliness was still there; but it was getting louder & easier to dance to.
226. Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
227. Please cancel my subscription; I am tired of your issues.
228. I've broken lots of bones... none where mine, of course... some guy in my philosphy class
229. I sold my soul to that stage in freshman year, whether I knew it or not then; and somehow I don't regreat it!
230. God wants Spiritual Fruits NOT religious nuts
231. Don't bother me, I'm wasting potential.
232. I Know Violence Isn't The Answer, I Got It Wrong On Purpose
233. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
234. I used to consider you a pain in the neck, now I have a much lower opinion of you.
235. Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
236. "God is dead." - Nietzsche - 1888
237. "Nietzsche is dead." - God - 1900
238. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
239. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
240. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
241. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
242. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
243. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
244. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
245. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
246. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
247. And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
248. Its not PMS ... it's you...
249. Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research.
250.NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
251. Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry... I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.
252. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
253. Dyslexic devil worshippers sell their souls to Santa
254. The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary. (i know i already have a version of this but i could not help it!)
255. "Ever get directions in Toronto? They can end up sounding sexual. They can because they name streets after people. I was getting directions on the phone and I thought the lady was having phone sex with me. Swear to god she was all 'Well you get off on the Gardener. You go down on Leslie. And you end up in John. That's right, John goes both ways.' What--?" - Russell Peters
256. We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police
257. I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.
258. Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
259. When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
260. I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser.
261. Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
262. You're not a complete idiot... Some parts are missing.
263. The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
264. They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
265. Sarcasm is one more free service I offer. Compassion costs extra.
266. You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there!
267. Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon!
268. It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet
269. Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation??
270. He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own
271. He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness
272. When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work...RUN LIKE HELL!
273. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
274. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
275. Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine
276. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. (true, too true!)
277. Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
278. People who say money is the root of all evil, never had any to being with!
279. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother; be never so vile. - King Henry V. Act iv. Sc. 3. William Shakespeare
280. Kids in the backseat cause accidents; Accidents in the backseats cause kids.
281. You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?") - Daily Humorscope
282. "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written." - Oscar Wilde
283. "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Last words of Pancho Villa
284. Real friends stab you in the front. - Oscar Wilde
285. God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. - Dr. Ian Malcolm
Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the earth. -Dr. Ellie Sattler
286. Sinners may reform, but stupid is forever.
287. "All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." - Sean O'Casey
288. Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. - Robert Frost
289. Very interesting! - Laugh In's Nazi Guy
290. "I just lost my train of thought!"- My Friend Daniy
"... Does a train of thought have a track?" - My other Friend Perla
"Mine does; it goes around in circles!" -Daniy
( this quote was bought to you by Choir Class. I'm going to miss that class)
291. If at first you don't succeed, Cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
292. "Anything you can do I can do backwards and in high heels"- Alan Shore
293. Parents: when you here the words "uh-oh!" and the toilet flushing... it's already too late.
294. It's not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.
295. Guys should be like lattes-rich, strong, and hot.
296. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
297. Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge.
298. When in life you fall down, do not look for the problem where you landed. Look for the problem at where you tripped. - Ancient African Proverb
299.Courage is not the absence of fear. No, courage is the realization that there is something you find more horrible than fear. - Unknown
300 Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
301. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
302. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
303. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
304. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
305. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
306. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
307. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."- Winston Churchill, in response.
308. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang
309. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
310. “You can lead a hooker to a book, but you can’t make her read.”- Dorothy Parker
311. “Yes madam, I am drunk and obnoxious this evening. But you are fat and ugly, and in the morning I’ll be sober.” - W.C. Fields
312. 'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder
313. 'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' - Jack E. Leonard
314. 'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford
315. "Mutual ignorance breeds mutual distrust." - Andrew Carnegie
316. If you ever have reason to doubt the activity or clout of the Gaming Control Board, try walking around the Las Vegas Strip or downtown in a dark business suit and plain black shoes. You will attract more attention from the casino management than if you entered with a parrot on your head.
317. I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
318. The psychology exam was a piece of cake, which surprised me. I thought it would be questions on a sheet of paper.
319. "Acting: An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." - Ralph Richardson
320. "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." - Winston Churchill
321. "Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public." - Winston Churchill
322. "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." - George S. Patton
323. "May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't." -Patton
324. "If everyone is thinking alike, someone isn't thinking." -George S. Patton
325. "Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way." - Patton
326. "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing-after they’ve tried everything else" -Churchill
327. "We're hopelessly lost but we're ahead of schedule, so let's pull over and dance!" - My Dad.
328. Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.
329. Stupidity killed the cat, curiosity was framed.
330. Life is not passing me by, it is trying to run me over.
331. Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to make it work again.
332. Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?" and a voice answers back, "When you decided to shoot the idiots rather than blow them up and got us thrown in jail."
333. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
334. I'm the person you're mother warned you to avoid making friends with.
335. I please only one person a day; today is not you're day and tommorrow isn't looking so good either.
336. There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and my way, which is still wrong but much faster!
337. "Don't knock the Weather. If it didn't change once in a while, 9 out of 10 people couldn't start a conversation." - Kin Hubbard
338. One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
339. Give a person a fish and feed them for a day, teach them how to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks!
340. "I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string." - Anonymous