For the most recent man.
I'm so glad you told me.
Weeellll that it explains why it felt like you were no longer into me. I mean, I guess we can disagree on the inflection point. points.
I guess. Yes I'd love to have this 'fully filed' and processed but its exhausting and not your problem.
But at least now I'm not pushing you away chronically by insisting you admit you don't want me. I guess one of my strongest relationship values should be for everyone to LOOK AT THE DAMN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM with me. Even if the truth is you lost feelings somewhere months ago. Even if the truth is I lost hope somewhere months ago. I made attempts to talk- but not good faith ones. Frankly I was underneath the elephant and I just wanted everyone to be quiet and not agitate it. It doesn't deserve to be in the room. It's claustrophobic. I was delulu, as the reels say.
You kinda did point it out? I been floundering for an explanation of the distance. You prefer imaginary relationship with Jay? You prefer new people? Skinny people? Successful people? Through our talk of theory, you kept emphasizing that it was between us, not about whoever else is out there. Lord, I said the same when you tried to get me to go get a boyfriend. Its not going to end when I find someone else, its going to end when we stop paying attention to each other. At least now I know roughly what turned you off.
I said something gross in the car after I learned you were wrong about Jay's answer to you. I assumed you misrepresented it to me instead of being mistaken. I was drunk and I am in fact pessimistic and bitter and they said, 'oh he only heard what he wanted to hear!' and I said "Damn he really grasped at anything he could to push me away." Looks like that was close to a truth, you were pushing me away as hard as you could without cutting me off. Truth was, me being manically sad about distance, having raging abandonment wounds, "wanting more" is not a thing you can deal with and wow is that valid any way I look at it.
And I should have fucking known. And even if you didn't know exactly what was going on inside you, even if you couldn't spell it out, the vibe was off. There were mad hints being thrown. I was triggered all to hell. I could feel you shoveling dirt on my fire at every bid for attention that I made. I asked, hey how come we don't do this anymore? I get curiously blank looks and curiously vague answers like I should figure it out? I tried to figure it out. But as the reels say, I should have paid more attention to my own feelings than yours, and fucked right off at the first stirrings of desperation and confusion inside my house.
"Because I don't want to anymore." is a complete answer. It is both necessary and sufficient, it turns out.
But I have a choice. It felt like I had no choice for a while. It was a compulsion to connect with you and i'm considering an intensive behavioral health program to deal with compulsions. because I'm compulsed in a few directions. But also there were signs to cling to. "You can text me anytime you want." within reason. I was not reasonable. There were subtexts and expectations that weren't clear or that I disregarded, and my not following unspoken rules resulted in more and more distance. Half on purpose; me frustrated and despairing will burn the house down to get warm.
You said a lot but not the magic words until now: "Its you. Something about you is not comfortable to me." Even when I asked (ad nauseum). I can't say I'm a safe space to say that to. I did get a little high-pitched and petulant on the phone. It was painful. I did not call you names or yell or threaten, I might have begged a little and I showed some feeling. Yet the stakes were still way too high and the guilt trip either a natural outgrowth of me losing my cool in front of you again, or subconscious on my part.
anyway wrt to you referencing you losing feelings long ago as 'you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.'
Its just too lite for the hell it has been for me, and maybe you too. I have normally heard the spilled milk aphorism as "you can't unfuck a child." with the caveat being that its not thaaaaat serious, its just a romantic oof. I've also heard it as "you can't unfuck someone" which is more appropriate in its level of seriousness and also somewhat in its literalness. The fucking was not quite 1/3 of why I was attached.
Clearly my mom is still with me if the horrors are floating at the top of the association pool.
Do I feel bad for what I put you through? yes. Do I need you to leave me alone so I can heal? yes. Will we ever be together? No, not from your end. Look how you were affected by it. I don't know the specifics but, you felt them and you're learning to put words to them. No, not on my end; look how I'm affected by it. Try not to try to fix it. There's toothpaste everywhere. Some poor kid is gonna get beat cause that shit is like $20 a tube now.
But no, we're gonna put the toothpaste in a jar and use it from there, no adult tantrum required.
You don't like the direness, the responsibility, the mortal desire I'm bringing to the vibe. I suck at listening. I don't want to know you half the time. I'm terrified you'll subtly devalue me or passively tell me we're nothing again every time you open your mouth. I can't calm down around you. Its broken.
I do not want to get over you. I did not want to have to. I have to.
You told Jay you had to go to therapy because of them.
I've been lighting this bridge on fire then reconsidering and stomping it out in a panic and hoping you don't notice the char marks and feeling guilty and not looking you in the face about it for a while...and I just realized you have been too.