personal growth
Although it is lonely as hell, being single has erased a chronic source of stress I had lived with my entire life.
Bear in mind that I grew up entirely focused on my mother, who was often absent and sometimes raging.
from there I had boyfriends. I worried about their behavior both conciously and sub conciously.
Nobody I love is going to start screaming (far as I can tell).
Nobody I love is going to advance on me threateningly.
Nobody can cheat on me.
Nobody can betray me or devastate me in quite the ways that a sig other (or a child's only parent) can.
Not that I love nobody, I have friends and harley and to be honest, I think I'm avoiding harley because he just might break my heart.
wathching him walk makes me catch my breath. I swear he's the most beautiful horse in the barn with his one blue eye and other brown eye and white face...yeah, love is scary.
my friends are safe, except for that stupid traveling xmas tradition. But I am not overwhelmingly affected by their unhappiness. A moody evening and snappish behavior is not a signal to brace for leaving. There is nothing to process. nothing to forgive or get over. There is no RELATIONSHIP to surf and mold and feed and tend. the fucking fire is out. yay! lets blow this pop stand, emotionally speaking.
Its kind of strange. Okay, its really strange.
Of course, theres nobody to share all the little ups and downs with, and sex is a fair disaster. I did mention that this is lonely.
I managed to spend the entire day at work talking only (and breifly) to adam. He came to talk to me and honestly...I didn't want to talk to anyone.
That could be a bad move on my part...but??? oh well.
OH WELL!
OH WELL!
OH WELL!
Bear in mind that I grew up entirely focused on my mother, who was often absent and sometimes raging.
from there I had boyfriends. I worried about their behavior both conciously and sub conciously.
Nobody I love is going to start screaming (far as I can tell).
Nobody I love is going to advance on me threateningly.
Nobody can cheat on me.
Nobody can betray me or devastate me in quite the ways that a sig other (or a child's only parent) can.
Not that I love nobody, I have friends and harley and to be honest, I think I'm avoiding harley because he just might break my heart.
wathching him walk makes me catch my breath. I swear he's the most beautiful horse in the barn with his one blue eye and other brown eye and white face...yeah, love is scary.
my friends are safe, except for that stupid traveling xmas tradition. But I am not overwhelmingly affected by their unhappiness. A moody evening and snappish behavior is not a signal to brace for leaving. There is nothing to process. nothing to forgive or get over. There is no RELATIONSHIP to surf and mold and feed and tend. the fucking fire is out. yay! lets blow this pop stand, emotionally speaking.
Its kind of strange. Okay, its really strange.
Of course, theres nobody to share all the little ups and downs with, and sex is a fair disaster. I did mention that this is lonely.
I managed to spend the entire day at work talking only (and breifly) to adam. He came to talk to me and honestly...I didn't want to talk to anyone.
That could be a bad move on my part...but??? oh well.
OH WELL!
OH WELL!
OH WELL!