*Auspex wanders Autobot City, lost in thought. It's been a bit of time since the successful transference of Jetstorm's brothers to their own bodies, and she is still tremendously excited that it's finally come to pass, without any setbacks.
Well... except that all five of them have been scarce. She thought it was best to wait for them, let them have time together - and hope they didn't hurt each other too badly, in their anger at what they'd been subject to in the last few years. Now, she's not so sure that was a good idea.
But Primus is calling her somewhere, now, and she hopes he leads her to one or more of them... hopefully in a more or less peaceable setting.
The call fades abruptly as she reaches a door. Blinking for a moment, she steps through, finding herself on a tall tower. The planet's sun is rising.
Despite the growing light, she almost doesn't see him; it's the quiet murmur of emotions that alerts her. Finally she sees a whisper of movement, and catches sight of the blue optics. She approaches quietly, somewhat hesitantly*
*She frowns a bit, moving to stand beside him, though her eyes are on the sun* I... thought it best that you and your brothers have time to yourselves, for a little while, at least; I didn't want to interfere with any... discussion.
*She glances over at him, noticing his somewhat beat-up appearance; she winces, touching a hand to a scrape on his arm* I see that discussion went... about as smoothly as they said it would. *She sighs softly in regret* How are they?
"They are doing... decently, I suppose. I have been... driven away for now." He stumbles over the words as he speaks, the emotional turmoil keeping him from maintaining his normal level tone.
And what an emotional turmoil it is. Wretchedness and despair roiling with acceptance, a bitter heady mix that this is all his fault however much he hates it.
*Her full attention is on his face, now, as she hears the waver in his voice, senses the mourning of his spark... it hurts to see it: the regret for his past, and the knowledge that their treatment of him now, is deserved.
...Deserved, at least, in the minds of his bitter brothers, but not from her and her god's perspective. It may yet be mended, in time, but not now, not when the rebirth of their independence is so new. Jetstorm's pain, now, is palpable, and she aches for him.
Though she wouldn't ordinarily be so bold, he's rather convincingly showed her that he has no qualms about the contact - she's still boggling over the incident with the holiday plant - and that is all that ever prevents her from offering comfort to her charges. This in mind, she curls her fingers around his hand, bringing it close, to cradle it, and settles her other hand on his shoulder, peering up at him with earnest sympathy*
Give them time. They need time away from you, I think, and perhaps away from each other, as well. You all have been forced together for so long... and the anger has built. I am disappointed that they reacted... explosively. I had hoped for better, but perhaps it was unavoidable. But hold on to your hope, Jetstorm. I don't think it will continue this way forever. *She absently runs her thumb over his fingers, sight focused on his face, almost willing him to believe that*
Jetstorm looks down at her. Such a delicate little thing that braved the horrors of the world to bring light and hope to it. Such a beautiful prism, and she gave it all to her god when Primus could not have worked half so well without her life.
He squeezed her hand, just hard enough to remind her that his strength may be less than it once was but it was still formidable. "Their anger cannot destroy me, however much they might wish it."
The disk of the sun is above the horizon now, gilding them both in gold.
"I love them, lightshine," he says very softly. "And I hurt them terribly."
*Auspex tilts her head in slight bemusement at the favorable tone of his thoughts, directed toward her. Her instincts beg her to deflect them away from herself... but she has spoken to him about this already, and still, he persists. Really, she admonishes herself, can she to tell him how to feel? The misgivings are lost, as his emotions shift back to his brothers.*
*She replies with an equally soft tone, gently* I don't know if they wish it, and I doubt if they know, either, in fact. This will be a confusing time...
I know you love them, and I can feel that you do... but the actions that brought them to this, were the work of a crazed love, from a being infused with Unicron's hatred and wont for destruction. You are not that being anymore, and they know - but that sort of love can be more painful to endure, than hatred.
They've had to forgive you, to some extent, to survive being tied to you without losing all of their sanity... but the hurt finally has an outlet, and it has built to an overwhelming degree over the years. They may yet be incapable of forgiving you the rest, until the hatred has been vented. But it's not a limitless well... or they would never have spoken to you again, after you mutilated them.
*She rubs his hand, smoothing the metal as though she wishes to do the same to his tumultuous emotions* Another question, is: have you forgiven yourself?
Jetstorm hunches his shoulders and seems to draw in on himself as Auspex assesses the situation. He turns his face away from her, and bleak shame suffuses him. The madness of Unicron had made him a monster;; not merely a monster, but a maddened one, for his soul had rebelled against the mind shaped to control him.
He had needed chaos like a drug to stay sane- but it had been a monstrous sanity.
The roil of emotions should answer Auspex's question without words.
*This is entirely too painful for Auspex to watch* No, don't do that. *She reaches up, hand to either side of his face, in a careful attempt to persuade him to turn it back to her* It was not you who chose this metamorphosis; you never asked for that change. Silverbolt did not have that sort of destructive desire within him, and you know that.
He fought it... he would not allow his brothers to be killed, or become what Jetstorm had become, as Unicron's people would have them be. He twisted the hatred back in on itself, and reinvented it, to the best of his ability, into something that would spare their lives. Perhaps death would have been preferable for them... but he held on to the hope that the circumstances could change. Horrible things happened to him, to all of them, but ultimately, he was right. Those circumstances are dead and gone, and he is stronger for it.
He did horrible things, himself... but his mind did not belong to himself only. He struggled against Unicron's Chaos, always. The blame for Jetstorm's madness lies with the Chaos Bringer and his minions. *Her voice darkens* It is their work, to destroy what others love.
Silverbolt-Jetstorm is not the Autobot that he once was, he cannot go back - my lord and I would gladly give him that, if he wished it, if it were possible... *her optics flicker, and she bows her head for a silent moment, in regret* But, Jetstorm can have his joy again. He must relearn joy. His brothers' joy has atrophied, as they watched his wither and die... but theirs is not gone. When they find it again, they can teach their brother.
*Hands still to his face, she strokes the side of his helm, fervently praying for the easement of his torturous self-blame* And, it is my work, to restore faith in love. I refuse to leave you drowning in these regrets, and I refuse to allow your brothers to forget what you mean to them. Changed or not, you are still their brother, and they are yours, and you need each other. I will do all that I can, to remind all of you of this. Please, allow yourself forgiveness. *she manages a tiny, encouraging smile*
Jetstorm twists his head under her hands, trying not to be drawn down into those indigo optics of hers. "Auspex..."
It's not that easy. How can he forgive himself for what he has done when everything he did he did of his own free will? Madness was a reason, but it did not change the torment he had caused and delighted in. He had brought much pain and death to the world, and he would have to atone for that.
But her voice is soothing where he can't believe her words, and her presence is warm and bright to him. "Faith in love..."
*Auspex sighs very softly, lowering her hands from his face to rest on his shoulders. This... isn't exactly what she'd meant, really; but if it brings him some solace, it is good. He doesn't understand, doesn't want to understand; but...
But she can't stand up to this. What is it, about a kiss, that feels like solid emotion? It drowns her senses, scatters her thoughts, makes it insanely difficult for her to be aware of anything outside of it. She can't help but return it, feeling the deep empathic joy of finding a way to communicate her affection to someone she cares for, has been sent to care for, that needs no words...
But still, she feels she must speak. With difficulty, she pulls back, just enough to turn her head to the side and rest her cheek against his. Her voice is barely audible* I know, I know it's hard for you, I've seen the destruction Unicron's power in his followers can cause. I've had to pick up the pieces afterward.
Your choices were your own, but they were under a torturous influence. I... don't know how to hold you accountable for that, what can be done in exchange for it... how can I blame a corrupted mind, once the corruptor is gone? Primus understands better than I can, and he is willing to dismiss it, if only simply to spite Unicron. All I can do, is embody that forgiveness, and try to communicate it to you...
There are times, so many times, when Jetstorm has given up conscious thought and deliberation for blind following of his emotions. Usually that came from suffering pain and resulted in him delivering it a thousandfold in return.
Sometimes, rarely, it was pleasure that swept him up in the tides of solace.
Auspex is urging him to think, to deliberate and reflect. But it is not as tempting as her warmth and light, and so he merely tilts his head to kiss her again.
*Auspex hesitates for a long moment, bowing her head slightly, unsure. She is a creature of thought, as well as emotion; in her experience, the two are almost inextricably linked. She understands that right now, he wants the comfort of closeness, rather than the reasoning that will allow comfort and hope... but how can she be silent, when he feels this weighty remorse? This distracts him, but it does not address his problem...*
*...But really, can she address it, right now? There is nothing to be done about his relationship with his brothers, until they return, and there is nothing she can say to him, to allow him to let go of the guilt of his time as Void's second... not if he will not listen.*
*And so, she struggles.*
Jetstorm... this is very... difficult for me. *her voice takes on a troubled, almost stricken tone* I'm here, because I want to help you, and this seems almost counter-productive... but I -- what do you want of me? Why do I not understand this? I am confused...
*she sighs contritely, though she does inch closer to lean against him, feeling a bit like a lost child* If you wish to offer me your affection... I think I must learn to accept it gracefully. It's not something I know how to do... you will have to help me learn. *her optics dim, as she gazes up at him*
His thoughts have become mired in guilt and despair, a cycle of bleakness that will kill his soul as surely as Sideways would have. Dimly, Jetstorm understands this, that he needs to break out of this sense that his suffering is just. But there are too many facts and deeds, too many moments of objective truth when he was a monster.
If he accepts that a form of insanity is to blame for his behavior, then he must be healed of it before he can be allowed among the company of other people. If it was his own choices, unencumbered by mental incapacity, then he is something far more twisted than Motormaster.
So he holds onto the source of light and kisses her cheeks softly as she speaks. "Sssh, sssh. There is a comfort in silence, Auspex."
Not everything that is broken can be repaired in one session.
*She sighs somewhat anxiously, but she lets him hold her, still resting her hands on his shoulders, still intently focused on his emotions* I will be content with that... if you do not use the silence to further condemn yourself. *her gaze is beseeching: stop hurting, it hurts me also, be comforted*
*Her optics flicker, as Jetstorm's lips touch her face. Her lines of thought scatter, somewhat; it's so hard to allow him this... she doesn't feel like a servant, when he is focusing his attention on her.*
*She reaches up again, smoothing white fingers on dark helm; at least attempting to soothe him is something that she does understand.*
Her fingers stroking over his helm, touching the plating, following the upticks of his antlers, soothes him. Tension drains out of him in little eddies, and he covers his face with gentle kisses.
Well... except that all five of them have been scarce. She thought it was best to wait for them, let them have time together - and hope they didn't hurt each other too badly, in their anger at what they'd been subject to in the last few years. Now, she's not so sure that was a good idea.
But Primus is calling her somewhere, now, and she hopes he leads her to one or more of them... hopefully in a more or less peaceable setting.
The call fades abruptly as she reaches a door. Blinking for a moment, she steps through, finding herself on a tall tower. The planet's sun is rising.
Despite the growing light, she almost doesn't see him; it's the quiet murmur of emotions that alerts her. Finally she sees a whisper of movement, and catches sight of the blue optics. She approaches quietly, somewhat hesitantly*
Jetstorm?
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*She glances over at him, noticing his somewhat beat-up appearance; she winces, touching a hand to a scrape on his arm* I see that discussion went... about as smoothly as they said it would. *She sighs softly in regret* How are they?
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And what an emotional turmoil it is. Wretchedness and despair roiling with acceptance, a bitter heady mix that this is all his fault however much he hates it.
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...Deserved, at least, in the minds of his bitter brothers, but not from her and her god's perspective. It may yet be mended, in time, but not now, not when the rebirth of their independence is so new. Jetstorm's pain, now, is palpable, and she aches for him.
Though she wouldn't ordinarily be so bold, he's rather convincingly showed her that he has no qualms about the contact - she's still boggling over the incident with the holiday plant - and that is all that ever prevents her from offering comfort to her charges. This in mind, she curls her fingers around his hand, bringing it close, to cradle it, and settles her other hand on his shoulder, peering up at him with earnest sympathy*
Give them time. They need time away from you, I think, and perhaps away from each other, as well. You all have been forced together for so long... and the anger has built. I am disappointed that they reacted... explosively. I had hoped for better, but perhaps it was unavoidable. But hold on to your hope, Jetstorm. I don't think it will continue this way forever. *She absently runs her thumb over his fingers, sight focused on his face, almost willing him to believe that*
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He squeezed her hand, just hard enough to remind her that his strength may be less than it once was but it was still formidable. "Their anger cannot destroy me, however much they might wish it."
The disk of the sun is above the horizon now, gilding them both in gold.
"I love them, lightshine," he says very softly. "And I hurt them terribly."
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*She replies with an equally soft tone, gently* I don't know if they wish it, and I doubt if they know, either, in fact. This will be a confusing time...
I know you love them, and I can feel that you do... but the actions that brought them to this, were the work of a crazed love, from a being infused with Unicron's hatred and wont for destruction. You are not that being anymore, and they know - but that sort of love can be more painful to endure, than hatred.
They've had to forgive you, to some extent, to survive being tied to you without losing all of their sanity... but the hurt finally has an outlet, and it has built to an overwhelming degree over the years. They may yet be incapable of forgiving you the rest, until the hatred has been vented. But it's not a limitless well... or they would never have spoken to you again, after you mutilated them.
*She rubs his hand, smoothing the metal as though she wishes to do the same to his tumultuous emotions* Another question, is: have you forgiven yourself?
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He had needed chaos like a drug to stay sane- but it had been a monstrous sanity.
The roil of emotions should answer Auspex's question without words.
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He fought it... he would not allow his brothers to be killed, or become what Jetstorm had become, as Unicron's people would have them be. He twisted the hatred back in on itself, and reinvented it, to the best of his ability, into something that would spare their lives. Perhaps death would have been preferable for them... but he held on to the hope that the circumstances could change. Horrible things happened to him, to all of them, but ultimately, he was right. Those circumstances are dead and gone, and he is stronger for it.
He did horrible things, himself... but his mind did not belong to himself only. He struggled against Unicron's Chaos, always. The blame for Jetstorm's madness lies with the Chaos Bringer and his minions. *Her voice darkens* It is their work, to destroy what others love.
Silverbolt-Jetstorm is not the Autobot that he once was, he cannot go back - my lord and I would gladly give him that, if he wished it, if it were possible... *her optics flicker, and she bows her head for a silent moment, in regret* But, Jetstorm can have his joy again. He must relearn joy. His brothers' joy has atrophied, as they watched his wither and die... but theirs is not gone. When they find it again, they can teach their brother.
*Hands still to his face, she strokes the side of his helm, fervently praying for the easement of his torturous self-blame* And, it is my work, to restore faith in love. I refuse to leave you drowning in these regrets, and I refuse to allow your brothers to forget what you mean to them. Changed or not, you are still their brother, and they are yours, and you need each other. I will do all that I can, to remind all of you of this. Please, allow yourself forgiveness. *she manages a tiny, encouraging smile*
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It's not that easy. How can he forgive himself for what he has done when everything he did he did of his own free will? Madness was a reason, but it did not change the torment he had caused and delighted in. He had brought much pain and death to the world, and he would have to atone for that.
But her voice is soothing where he can't believe her words, and her presence is warm and bright to him. "Faith in love..."
He dips his head and kisses her gently.
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But she can't stand up to this. What is it, about a kiss, that feels like solid emotion? It drowns her senses, scatters her thoughts, makes it insanely difficult for her to be aware of anything outside of it. She can't help but return it, feeling the deep empathic joy of finding a way to communicate her affection to someone she cares for, has been sent to care for, that needs no words...
But still, she feels she must speak. With difficulty, she pulls back, just enough to turn her head to the side and rest her cheek against his. Her voice is barely audible* I know, I know it's hard for you, I've seen the destruction Unicron's power in his followers can cause. I've had to pick up the pieces afterward.
Your choices were your own, but they were under a torturous influence. I... don't know how to hold you accountable for that, what can be done in exchange for it... how can I blame a corrupted mind, once the corruptor is gone? Primus understands better than I can, and he is willing to dismiss it, if only simply to spite Unicron. All I can do, is embody that forgiveness, and try to communicate it to you...
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Sometimes, rarely, it was pleasure that swept him up in the tides of solace.
Auspex is urging him to think, to deliberate and reflect. But it is not as tempting as her warmth and light, and so he merely tilts his head to kiss her again.
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*...But really, can she address it, right now? There is nothing to be done about his relationship with his brothers, until they return, and there is nothing she can say to him, to allow him to let go of the guilt of his time as Void's second... not if he will not listen.*
*And so, she struggles.*
Jetstorm... this is very... difficult for me. *her voice takes on a troubled, almost stricken tone* I'm here, because I want to help you, and this seems almost counter-productive... but I -- what do you want of me? Why do I not understand this? I am confused...
*she sighs contritely, though she does inch closer to lean against him, feeling a bit like a lost child* If you wish to offer me your affection... I think I must learn to accept it gracefully. It's not something I know how to do... you will have to help me learn. *her optics dim, as she gazes up at him*
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If he accepts that a form of insanity is to blame for his behavior, then he must be healed of it before he can be allowed among the company of other people. If it was his own choices, unencumbered by mental incapacity, then he is something far more twisted than Motormaster.
So he holds onto the source of light and kisses her cheeks softly as she speaks. "Sssh, sssh. There is a comfort in silence, Auspex."
Not everything that is broken can be repaired in one session.
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*Her optics flicker, as Jetstorm's lips touch her face. Her lines of thought scatter, somewhat; it's so hard to allow him this... she doesn't feel like a servant, when he is focusing his attention on her.*
*She reaches up again, smoothing white fingers on dark helm; at least attempting to soothe him is something that she does understand.*
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"Ah, lightshine, what you do to me..."
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