Deep Ression
I think I am falling into another depression. For years, I usually have one major depression that lasts for a few weeks once a year. Last year I started to have more frequent mini-depressions. I haven’t had one for many months, and now it seems I’m falling headfirst into a big one. It feels as if one is being thrown into the middle of an ocean or lake with nothing to hold on to or protect you, and no one can hear you screaming for help. This depression is different. I’m prone to pangs of intense sadness and what feels like sentimentality and loss. I also think it has something to do with my childhood.
I will be completely honest with you - I don’t want it to go away. I want to experience this one all the way through. I want to feel the shame, the grief, the sadness, and the rage. There has to be a reason this keeps coming back upon me. There has to be a reason I am back at my parents going through all of this again. What am I not seeing or dealing with? What do I have to do? It keeps rearing it’s head over and over begging me to see it.
This morning my mother waved good-bye to me as I drove off in my car to work and it was like being dipped into the great pool of sadness. I balled my eyed out all the way to work and I don’t know why, because I should’ve been happy. I realized that the depression has visited me again.