Latest Issues
The vacation has been interesting, hilarious, and somber all at the same time. After I left Schmed at the bus station on Tuesday, I just felt this intense sadness. Actually, to be more accurate, I felt the sadness a couple of hours before this, when I was in their basement using the ironing board. The basement is also the bedroom for the three kids. It is a disgusting pigsty down there. There are toys, filth, beads and cat hair everywhere. It actually sickened me. However, it was the basement, and I tolerated it for that reason alone. I had to use the bathroom, and remembered Schmed was telling me about one being down in the basement. As I looked for it, I came across a door that I opened up to reveal a narrow crawl space. In that crawl space, I seen all of Schmed's things from our old apartment. His Vegas dice clock, all of his Las Vegas knick knacks that were displayed in our apartment, along with some other of his personal stuff. It was just thrown in this dirty crawl space. It saddened me to no end. It saddened me that these things were in a dirty crawl space, and it saddened me that they appeared just thrown in there. It was if he had made so many sacrifices to be in this house, with these people, and the last reminents of his glory days were sealed tight in the basement.
I don't know this Schmed anymore. He always had money, had a good job, went on vacations twice a year, and a good car. Now he has no job, no money, goes on no vacations and has to use Amy's car, because his was repossessed. He puts up with any and everything Amy tells him, doesn't defend himself, and has become a virtual slave to her whims. Even when he does everything asked of him, he still gets harrassed by her and her kids. He is so fearful of Amy and what she will do or say, that he feels the need to lie to her about what he is doing. I actually said to him, "Well since she is going to be mad at you anyway, no matter what you do, you might as well tell her the truth. Better to get yelled at for the truth, than for a lie."
Here is the dilemma I face: most of you know about my codependent nature. I've written about it here in my blog, and for those of you who know me personally, you understand that it is something I've struggled with for years. I believe that I've made good progress so far in keeping it under control. There are a few things that have helped me immensely.
1. Be willing to trust others enough to allow them to make their decisions, regardless of your opinions.
2. I am not anyone's caretaker, except for my own.
3. The greatest pain we will ever feel in life is the belief that you can change another person.
Keeping those things in mind, I still feel an ache to go down there and rescue my brother. I want to rip him out of her clutches, bring him home, get him a car and help him find a job. The more I think about him marrying her, the more it infuriates me. I know that this is my codependent nature. I want to tell him what I feel, but I know that I can't. I need to trust him enough to make his own decisions, even if I disagree.
I can say this...He is not happy. I don't believe he is. He has settled. He believes that this is the best he can do, and he is going with it. I absolutely HATE that mentality.
I've thought about telling him that I'm not going to attend his wedding. Still, that is just like saying, "I want you to change." I am not that strong, no one is.
I don't know this Schmed anymore. He always had money, had a good job, went on vacations twice a year, and a good car. Now he has no job, no money, goes on no vacations and has to use Amy's car, because his was repossessed. He puts up with any and everything Amy tells him, doesn't defend himself, and has become a virtual slave to her whims. Even when he does everything asked of him, he still gets harrassed by her and her kids. He is so fearful of Amy and what she will do or say, that he feels the need to lie to her about what he is doing. I actually said to him, "Well since she is going to be mad at you anyway, no matter what you do, you might as well tell her the truth. Better to get yelled at for the truth, than for a lie."
Here is the dilemma I face: most of you know about my codependent nature. I've written about it here in my blog, and for those of you who know me personally, you understand that it is something I've struggled with for years. I believe that I've made good progress so far in keeping it under control. There are a few things that have helped me immensely.
1. Be willing to trust others enough to allow them to make their decisions, regardless of your opinions.
2. I am not anyone's caretaker, except for my own.
3. The greatest pain we will ever feel in life is the belief that you can change another person.
Keeping those things in mind, I still feel an ache to go down there and rescue my brother. I want to rip him out of her clutches, bring him home, get him a car and help him find a job. The more I think about him marrying her, the more it infuriates me. I know that this is my codependent nature. I want to tell him what I feel, but I know that I can't. I need to trust him enough to make his own decisions, even if I disagree.
I can say this...He is not happy. I don't believe he is. He has settled. He believes that this is the best he can do, and he is going with it. I absolutely HATE that mentality.
I've thought about telling him that I'm not going to attend his wedding. Still, that is just like saying, "I want you to change." I am not that strong, no one is.