Return address THIS!
Dear Ex-Boyfriend.
I considered not even capitalizing the first letters of that greeting, because I feel like it gives you the very unwarranted stature of an actual human being. However, now that I act in the name of grammar and not love, I opted for the English languages idea of a proper greeting. Please trust that my idea of a proper formal greeting to you is much different, and would involve a lot of letters replaced with punctuation points and symbols so as not to offend anyone who reads it.
The purpose of this correspondence is to inform you that your little tricks are not working. Worse than that, I am actually catching on to your little game. Even worse yet is that these things you are attempting to do, and sometimes succeeding in doing, is having absolutely no adverse affect on me whatsoever. It’s actually a bit flattering! Having someone whose “life you ruined with bullshit and lies!” and who “can’t wait until you move and leave forever!” pay this much attention to you is extremely neat, in fact.
The thieving of my friends by you is something that will not be overlooked. By forbaying them to invite me on excursions solely as a vain attempt to get back at me for things I did not do in the first place, you are a child, a coward and, worst of all, a bad friend to them. When I broke up with you, I did not break up with them. Why would I want to lose the people in my life who didn’t abuse drugs or me? That makes less sense than why-ever we were ever together in the first place. Riddle me that.
The practice of showing up at the places I frequent cannot be pigeonholed as intentional. We had things and places in common (albeit few) and we have not changed those aspects of our lives. However, the activities that I observe from you during these times could be chalked up as laughable. My friends are your friends, but only when I’m there to watch you pretend to love them more than you are even capable of in the first place. When backs are turned, you are poised in the shadows with a knife. Here’s to hoping you learned the rule of ‘handle first’. Handle my friends with care, sir. If I find out you have done otherwise, you will discover that my language skills are nothing compared to my defense skills.
That being said, this is a joke. This is not part of the map that will force me back onto your street. Every letter of every word of text above and below this sentence carries with it an absolute sense of meaning. We are over. Please accept this and move out, move up and move on.
In closing, I just want you to know that I wish no form of revenge or harm upon you. The thoughts of you standing gape-mouthed at sunset, realizing what you’d lost, and then having a bee fly into your mouth and sting you (which was, for a time, a thought escalated by hoping a deathly bee allergy was among the things you never told me about yourself) are long gone. All I want now is learn to live side by side, as co-existing humans who have never met or had any sort of relationship whatsoever. Probably wouldn’t even be that hard.
Sincerely,
Your Ex-Girlfriend.
I considered not even capitalizing the first letters of that greeting, because I feel like it gives you the very unwarranted stature of an actual human being. However, now that I act in the name of grammar and not love, I opted for the English languages idea of a proper greeting. Please trust that my idea of a proper formal greeting to you is much different, and would involve a lot of letters replaced with punctuation points and symbols so as not to offend anyone who reads it.
The purpose of this correspondence is to inform you that your little tricks are not working. Worse than that, I am actually catching on to your little game. Even worse yet is that these things you are attempting to do, and sometimes succeeding in doing, is having absolutely no adverse affect on me whatsoever. It’s actually a bit flattering! Having someone whose “life you ruined with bullshit and lies!” and who “can’t wait until you move and leave forever!” pay this much attention to you is extremely neat, in fact.
The thieving of my friends by you is something that will not be overlooked. By forbaying them to invite me on excursions solely as a vain attempt to get back at me for things I did not do in the first place, you are a child, a coward and, worst of all, a bad friend to them. When I broke up with you, I did not break up with them. Why would I want to lose the people in my life who didn’t abuse drugs or me? That makes less sense than why-ever we were ever together in the first place. Riddle me that.
The practice of showing up at the places I frequent cannot be pigeonholed as intentional. We had things and places in common (albeit few) and we have not changed those aspects of our lives. However, the activities that I observe from you during these times could be chalked up as laughable. My friends are your friends, but only when I’m there to watch you pretend to love them more than you are even capable of in the first place. When backs are turned, you are poised in the shadows with a knife. Here’s to hoping you learned the rule of ‘handle first’. Handle my friends with care, sir. If I find out you have done otherwise, you will discover that my language skills are nothing compared to my defense skills.
That being said, this is a joke. This is not part of the map that will force me back onto your street. Every letter of every word of text above and below this sentence carries with it an absolute sense of meaning. We are over. Please accept this and move out, move up and move on.
In closing, I just want you to know that I wish no form of revenge or harm upon you. The thoughts of you standing gape-mouthed at sunset, realizing what you’d lost, and then having a bee fly into your mouth and sting you (which was, for a time, a thought escalated by hoping a deathly bee allergy was among the things you never told me about yourself) are long gone. All I want now is learn to live side by side, as co-existing humans who have never met or had any sort of relationship whatsoever. Probably wouldn’t even be that hard.
Sincerely,
Your Ex-Girlfriend.