TGIF! A long update of my life.
Ah, it's that rare and treasured evening when I can stay up as late as I want and worry about nothing at all until tomorrow and the working week which seems so far off in the distance now. I only get two nights like this a week. Must treasure them...
I've been massively pissy lately, mostly at myself and my fiance but the true reasons for that are unclear. I guess there are multiple reasons, all of them linked to severe self-esteem issues and shyness when bringing up particular topics. Seems as though as soon as I bring up those topics he suddenly has to leave.
Sometimes I wish he was less self concious about things he says, and that goes for myself too. I have a huge voice and a big personality but in essence I am just a shy, shy, quiet girl. I think it's become obvious that he's far more comfortable with the former personality. I am too, but I can hardly erase the latter personality either.
I don't really know what I'm getting at here. I'm just venting, really. Last year I used to post nearly every day complaining about this and that and I felt hugely better for it, but with my time constraints and chronic loneliness now I can barely find the drive to update my journal now. I love this journal. I don't want to abandon it.
Anyway, I'm grumpy. I've had to start taking medication three times a day just to keep myself normal. Hopefully it'll start to reverse or reduce the amount of mental and physical damage I've sustained this past year or so. I know what you're thinking; 'ol crazy Addy has finally been put on meds. Stupid world, this year has been the worst one ever.
Tomorrow I have to get my second cervical cancer vaccination and vote in the election for our new Prime Minister. I've been following the campagin coverage with interest and to be honest I don't want to vote for any of them. They all suck. I wouldn't vote at all if it wasn't a fineable offense...
Moreover, taking this injection will probably do what it did to me last month and nearly cause me to black out. The only good thing about tomorrow is that I can indulge in my one final pleasure and go to the coffee shop, where I can read the weekend paper and have a latte' in relative peace. Once a week it allows me to forget my troubles, if only for a little while.
I wonder if people have noticed that I'm still writing? I've been trying to manage a chapter every week or two. Generally I'm happy with the quality of the work and it least it takes my mind off other certain depressing things, but I can't help but feel that I should be doing something more productive with my time.
I always feel like I'm never doing enough and demanding way too much of people involved with me. Right now I'm arranging some time off next year for my wedding and honeymoon. I want the day off for the wedding and at least a week for the honeymoon, but two weeks would be even better and far more awesome. I'll just have to see what my boss says about that.
Yeah, my job. It's not a bad job and it's not difficult, and it pays moderately well ($550 a week after tax), but it can be frustrating and career-wise this job leads only to a dead-end. I'm starting to wonder if I should stick to it until the work runs out, or if I should risk looking for a lower-paying job with an actual future. I need the cash flow obviously to fund the new life I'm trying to carve out for Matthew and myself, but I'm also worried I'm crippling my career-experience this way too.
I'm not confident that I'll ever become a professional writer. I'm just not good enough for that. But I would like to go back to college and get the qualifications for my dream job, a full-time librarian. ...But... honestly... in my deepest, happiest dreams I'm still a writer. I'd want that career so badly, but it's cruel to expect my future family to risk themselves on my petty dream.
It's going to be a long, ponderous night. Thanks to
bleedingsand I can have awesome new music to listen to and think. Thanks!
I've been massively pissy lately, mostly at myself and my fiance but the true reasons for that are unclear. I guess there are multiple reasons, all of them linked to severe self-esteem issues and shyness when bringing up particular topics. Seems as though as soon as I bring up those topics he suddenly has to leave.
Sometimes I wish he was less self concious about things he says, and that goes for myself too. I have a huge voice and a big personality but in essence I am just a shy, shy, quiet girl. I think it's become obvious that he's far more comfortable with the former personality. I am too, but I can hardly erase the latter personality either.
I don't really know what I'm getting at here. I'm just venting, really. Last year I used to post nearly every day complaining about this and that and I felt hugely better for it, but with my time constraints and chronic loneliness now I can barely find the drive to update my journal now. I love this journal. I don't want to abandon it.
Anyway, I'm grumpy. I've had to start taking medication three times a day just to keep myself normal. Hopefully it'll start to reverse or reduce the amount of mental and physical damage I've sustained this past year or so. I know what you're thinking; 'ol crazy Addy has finally been put on meds. Stupid world, this year has been the worst one ever.
Tomorrow I have to get my second cervical cancer vaccination and vote in the election for our new Prime Minister. I've been following the campagin coverage with interest and to be honest I don't want to vote for any of them. They all suck. I wouldn't vote at all if it wasn't a fineable offense...
Moreover, taking this injection will probably do what it did to me last month and nearly cause me to black out. The only good thing about tomorrow is that I can indulge in my one final pleasure and go to the coffee shop, where I can read the weekend paper and have a latte' in relative peace. Once a week it allows me to forget my troubles, if only for a little while.
I wonder if people have noticed that I'm still writing? I've been trying to manage a chapter every week or two. Generally I'm happy with the quality of the work and it least it takes my mind off other certain depressing things, but I can't help but feel that I should be doing something more productive with my time.
I always feel like I'm never doing enough and demanding way too much of people involved with me. Right now I'm arranging some time off next year for my wedding and honeymoon. I want the day off for the wedding and at least a week for the honeymoon, but two weeks would be even better and far more awesome. I'll just have to see what my boss says about that.
Yeah, my job. It's not a bad job and it's not difficult, and it pays moderately well ($550 a week after tax), but it can be frustrating and career-wise this job leads only to a dead-end. I'm starting to wonder if I should stick to it until the work runs out, or if I should risk looking for a lower-paying job with an actual future. I need the cash flow obviously to fund the new life I'm trying to carve out for Matthew and myself, but I'm also worried I'm crippling my career-experience this way too.
I'm not confident that I'll ever become a professional writer. I'm just not good enough for that. But I would like to go back to college and get the qualifications for my dream job, a full-time librarian. ...But... honestly... in my deepest, happiest dreams I'm still a writer. I'd want that career so badly, but it's cruel to expect my future family to risk themselves on my petty dream.
It's going to be a long, ponderous night. Thanks to
bleedingsand I can have awesome new music to listen to and think. Thanks!