Self study.
I've been feeling kind of strange all evening, with my choice of reading materials imitating my own life so closely that it was almost scary, and it got me thinking about where I'm standing on the chessboard of life. In the end I decided to just try some casual writing and it turned into a hugely long chart and essay of my life, the universe and everything.
And where I stand in it.
Looking at it very closely and reading over it again and again and again, all I seem to be finding the most are questions rather than answers. It's like... like looking at a series of dots that are hiding a picture, and you connect the dots together in order to find the underlying shape. It feels like I've connected a lot of these dots together myself, just so that sort of a shape forms, but its not enough for me to figure out what the picture is, or that it might be a picture I don't really understand.
It feels like I need help with it, but I don't know who to turn to. Certainly I don't think there's anybody out there who understands exactly what the hell I'm going on about, I hardly even understand it myself. Where I was, where I am, and where I want/am meant to be are there, just... not.
Ugh, so confusing.
Who knows, maybe all the answers are there already. I might just not be ready to admit it or even accept it.
And maybe the picture is of my nightmares.
All I can do is struggle through this one step at a time.
Eventually I'm going to step through a hole and fall.
Then I won't have to worry about anything ever again.
And where I stand in it.
Looking at it very closely and reading over it again and again and again, all I seem to be finding the most are questions rather than answers. It's like... like looking at a series of dots that are hiding a picture, and you connect the dots together in order to find the underlying shape. It feels like I've connected a lot of these dots together myself, just so that sort of a shape forms, but its not enough for me to figure out what the picture is, or that it might be a picture I don't really understand.
It feels like I need help with it, but I don't know who to turn to. Certainly I don't think there's anybody out there who understands exactly what the hell I'm going on about, I hardly even understand it myself. Where I was, where I am, and where I want/am meant to be are there, just... not.
Ugh, so confusing.
Who knows, maybe all the answers are there already. I might just not be ready to admit it or even accept it.
And maybe the picture is of my nightmares.
All I can do is struggle through this one step at a time.
Eventually I'm going to step through a hole and fall.
Then I won't have to worry about anything ever again.