see how many you recognize!
have you had any of these kids in your classes? if so, they probably sit right fucking behind you!
kid #1: guy that makes everyone in class uncomfortable for no reason at all
you know this dude. maybe its the guy that wont stop trying to flirt with the cute girl next to him, no matter how many times she politely tells him shes busy reading the paper, or maybe its some big sweaty dude in the back that feels a constant need to draw attention to the fact that he's big and sweaty. sometimes this dude (or occasionally girl) will bring up totally innapropriate shit in the middle of the class, and you get to watch the prof try and dance around it and be nice to them not because they care, but because if you tell them to shut the fuck up they get even MORE worked up and loud!
i mean, it takes a lot to make me embarresed or uncomfortable, but this dude manages.
example: when talking about grizzly adams, the big guy in back shouts "what'd you look at me for when you said that, just cause im big and hairy?" then proceeds to make a big fucking deal about how he's big and hairy. man, that was fun.
*sigh*
punishment: 3 months with an aggressive convicted sex offender as a roommate. it seems only fair.
kid #2: girl that wont stop saying stupid shit
why is it that in every single discussion-based class in the history of the world there is one of these people residing there? these people are more common than cancer patients in cheyrnoble! this girl makes me want to pull my fucking teeth out with electrified nipple clamps! i dont care what she thought the poem was about, or how it makes her feel, or what she think it means- because every time she opens her mouth she says the dumbest thing ive ever heard in my entire fucking life!!!
example: "like, i was confused by the poem- i thought, at the end, it meant that she'd had a baby and she was abandoning it in the bed."
WHAT??? its a poem about SEX, not infanticide! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! today in class i almost swallowed my own tounge just so i wouldnt have to listen to her anymore! if she was a bear trap, i'd gnaw all 4 limbs off just to make sure i was safe!
punishment: death my dismemberment, probably because that's what i was fantasizing about for about an hour today. its cool, ive got it all worked out.
kid #3: dude that asks really dumb questions all the time
sometimes kid #2 and kid #3 are the same person. if this happens to you, switch classes or kill yourself, whichever is easier. ive determined that "dude that asks really dumb questions" is pretty similar to "girl that wont stop saying stupid shit", except that, somehow, he cant even think of dumb shit to say. in spite of this- for whatever reason- this dude feels the need to contribute, and as a result he just ASKS QUESTIONS ALL THE DAMN TIME FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
examples: "divide and conqour? is that, like, the same as seperate and rule?"
"so, wait- do the aztecs still think white men are gods?"
or my personal favorite- "uh, yeah, the test you said was gonna be on thursday- is it still on thursday?"
last year i had the SAME DUMB QUESTION GUY in two different fucking classes. i almost dropped out of college.
punishment: locked in a room with "girl that wont stop saying stupid shit" for a week. they will either kill each other, or they'll have a kid that goes on to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the world.
kid #4: girl that tells way to much information to strangers
i dont know if shes just lonely, or if she really believes that the guy sitting next to her is a caring sensitive individual whos really concerend for her well being even if they just met. or maybe shes just an attention whore, which is something i can kind of relate to. reguardless of her motives, you'll get paired up with this girl and before you know it, shes telling you about how her cat has cancer and her roommate ate her bagels and her boyfriend cheated on her and gave her syphilis and I DONT CARE!!! they have hotlines for that shit, man! one time when i was calling my insurance company to figure out my bill the girl on the line was one of these girls, and i got stuck in a conversation with a stranger for a half an hour! she lived in a different state! she tried to help me find jesus, for fucks sake!
punishment: make that bitch work in a homeless shelter for a year, so she meets some people with real fucking problems. try telling them how your girlfriend borrowed your favorite pink cardigan without asking and got salsa on it and see how much they fucking care.
but seriously, i almost stabbed my eyes out in class today. i think everyone in 200 level classes and up should have to wear shock collars and everytime you say something really fucking stupid or uneccesary you get zapped.
i know i'd get nailed once in a while, but you know what? it'd be worth it.
kid #1: guy that makes everyone in class uncomfortable for no reason at all
you know this dude. maybe its the guy that wont stop trying to flirt with the cute girl next to him, no matter how many times she politely tells him shes busy reading the paper, or maybe its some big sweaty dude in the back that feels a constant need to draw attention to the fact that he's big and sweaty. sometimes this dude (or occasionally girl) will bring up totally innapropriate shit in the middle of the class, and you get to watch the prof try and dance around it and be nice to them not because they care, but because if you tell them to shut the fuck up they get even MORE worked up and loud!
i mean, it takes a lot to make me embarresed or uncomfortable, but this dude manages.
example: when talking about grizzly adams, the big guy in back shouts "what'd you look at me for when you said that, just cause im big and hairy?" then proceeds to make a big fucking deal about how he's big and hairy. man, that was fun.
*sigh*
punishment: 3 months with an aggressive convicted sex offender as a roommate. it seems only fair.
kid #2: girl that wont stop saying stupid shit
why is it that in every single discussion-based class in the history of the world there is one of these people residing there? these people are more common than cancer patients in cheyrnoble! this girl makes me want to pull my fucking teeth out with electrified nipple clamps! i dont care what she thought the poem was about, or how it makes her feel, or what she think it means- because every time she opens her mouth she says the dumbest thing ive ever heard in my entire fucking life!!!
example: "like, i was confused by the poem- i thought, at the end, it meant that she'd had a baby and she was abandoning it in the bed."
WHAT??? its a poem about SEX, not infanticide! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! today in class i almost swallowed my own tounge just so i wouldnt have to listen to her anymore! if she was a bear trap, i'd gnaw all 4 limbs off just to make sure i was safe!
punishment: death my dismemberment, probably because that's what i was fantasizing about for about an hour today. its cool, ive got it all worked out.
kid #3: dude that asks really dumb questions all the time
sometimes kid #2 and kid #3 are the same person. if this happens to you, switch classes or kill yourself, whichever is easier. ive determined that "dude that asks really dumb questions" is pretty similar to "girl that wont stop saying stupid shit", except that, somehow, he cant even think of dumb shit to say. in spite of this- for whatever reason- this dude feels the need to contribute, and as a result he just ASKS QUESTIONS ALL THE DAMN TIME FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
examples: "divide and conqour? is that, like, the same as seperate and rule?"
"so, wait- do the aztecs still think white men are gods?"
or my personal favorite- "uh, yeah, the test you said was gonna be on thursday- is it still on thursday?"
last year i had the SAME DUMB QUESTION GUY in two different fucking classes. i almost dropped out of college.
punishment: locked in a room with "girl that wont stop saying stupid shit" for a week. they will either kill each other, or they'll have a kid that goes on to be the leader of the most powerful nation in the world.
kid #4: girl that tells way to much information to strangers
i dont know if shes just lonely, or if she really believes that the guy sitting next to her is a caring sensitive individual whos really concerend for her well being even if they just met. or maybe shes just an attention whore, which is something i can kind of relate to. reguardless of her motives, you'll get paired up with this girl and before you know it, shes telling you about how her cat has cancer and her roommate ate her bagels and her boyfriend cheated on her and gave her syphilis and I DONT CARE!!! they have hotlines for that shit, man! one time when i was calling my insurance company to figure out my bill the girl on the line was one of these girls, and i got stuck in a conversation with a stranger for a half an hour! she lived in a different state! she tried to help me find jesus, for fucks sake!
punishment: make that bitch work in a homeless shelter for a year, so she meets some people with real fucking problems. try telling them how your girlfriend borrowed your favorite pink cardigan without asking and got salsa on it and see how much they fucking care.
but seriously, i almost stabbed my eyes out in class today. i think everyone in 200 level classes and up should have to wear shock collars and everytime you say something really fucking stupid or uneccesary you get zapped.
i know i'd get nailed once in a while, but you know what? it'd be worth it.