My New Doctors
My new shrink told me that I had been having extra panic attacks because my body was craving the anxiolytics. So I decreased the dosage. I now take 2 pills when I had previously had up to 4 a day. Obviously, that's been hard some days, but others I kinda just lay around the house and don't even raise my heart rate that much.
FEAR group taught me a few things, one of which was how much I really needed one-on-one therapy more than I thought I did. First week was kinda lame. Second week gave me some tools that I think will be really helpful for a MI friend of mine.
Third week is next week, when we get into immersion therapy. That ought to be fun.
Meanwhile, I met with the new guy. His office is filled with Star Wars memorabilia, so I knew we'd get along. He gave me the "I can't tell anyone what we talk about" speech, which I know he's required to do. I pretty much was able to predict his words and finished many of the sentences for him. I don't remember where it fits into my life, but for a time I worked in a basement processing psych evaluation forms, and the terms HI and SI still stick out in my mind. Those are the ones that they should violate confidentiality for, because someone is in danger.
Anyhow. New guy had me go through some of my history, and then we finally got to my fears. One of my best friends had talked things out with me the night before, and I finally got to the root of my agoraphobia issue.
I'm not afraid of strangers, I'm afraid of strangers who are violent. I have had daymares for decades about being hunted or mostly just chased down by a stranger in a parking lot who was going to spontaneously kill me. (This would normally be an odd fear, but with my family background...not so much.)
It's always a parking lot. Or even worse, a parking structure. I know my aunt was killed in the former rather than the latter, but the structure feels so much more confining. So I told my friend. Stabbing or shooting. Strangling. Beating me to death. These are my (very vivid) visual movies. And they play any time I leave the house.
My brain doesn't really associate "stranger at the door" with the danger I feel in a parking lot when I feel visible. Though "stranger at the door" is like a jump scare. It's unexpected. But I don't have a clip in my head playing about that.
Okay. So I hash this out with my (extremely patient) friend and then I go to the psychologist the next day. We go through my stories. I tell him about why I have PTSD. Why I have agoraphobia. Why I felt so abandoned when my ex kicked me out. Why I feel like I am not allowed to be angry.
He asks me what I want. I want to learn how to be angry without hating myself. I want more tools to lessen my fear of strangers. This is what I tell him. Then I tell him about the mini-movies. I tell him the same thing I told my friend. I give him some examples that have scared me. (For no reason.) There is a completely remote risk that I could be hurt. Brain knows this.
So he asks me if it is the stranger that scares me or is it the surrounding. I say it's a little of both. He asks how I cope when I get home. (TV or music. I talk about Critical Role. He mentions The Adventure Zone. I once again label him a kindred spirit.) He asks me how supportive Ed is. I say that other than occasionally closing his door and playing angry music, he's extremely on my side. He asks me if I would like to go to a metal concert with my husband. I say no.
He asks me if the anxiety is lessened if I go out with another person. I, of course, say yes. My brother and I were inseparable until he hit college age. I am able to transfer that concept of a safe person to others, but they have to be within a known radius. Concert with a friend, fine. Friend goes to get munchies or to the bathroom without me? Nope.
He uses all these clues to suggest that what I am afraid of is not the strangers themselves, but the unpredictability they represent. It literally feels like the tumblers on a lock inside my head click into place. Yes. I *am* afraid of unpredictability. A stranger at a distance of 50 feet? Not so bad. Female stranger? Usually fine. Older stranger? Sure. Male stranger of 18-60 age? Play the clip.
So if what I am scared of is unpredictability, there is a solution to this. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I know it exists. It has to. I am not the first person to be afraid of the unknown.
But that was an entirely different fear than the one I thought I had. It makes sense. The stranger I was afraid of is a shadow person. I can't see a face or pretty much any other characteristic. They present as male, but I can't guarantee they are. They create sudden, unexpected, and violent additions to my life.
This is as much a revelation as feeling the pills get rid of the scratchy foil nerves feeling. He wants to see me pretty often. To check in by phone when I don't have an in-person visit. I am fine with this plan. I think this guy can help me. And it's not just because he's a fellow geek.
The reason I opened this to begin with was to talk myself into exercising more. I have a million excuses not to, and while it hasn't touched my self-image (much), it's making my clothes fit funny. Also, I am sliding into that self-fulfilling deal where you don't have enough exercise and then you don't have the energy to exercise, then you get an injury, and you can talk yourself out of exercising, and the longer you have unhealthy patterns, the more you're hurting yourself by staying still. I'm doing this to myself. And it only takes the tiniest movements to get back into my routine. My previous excuse was that I didn't feel up to it. The next week, I am rehabbing a sprained ankle, so I will be out of commission. Maybe . will go to the gym and use the reclining bike.
My brain and body remember how to use free weights + machines, but I think the cardio is more important.
My fear of further hurting myself (which I did) is in the forefront when I talk to anyone about how long it's been since I went to the gym looking for any kind of answers.
Meds are kicking in, but I thought I'd get this down first. Tomorrow, maybe the gym.