this is me
so i went to see my 'shrink' yesterday and i got some tests done and yea im on new medication and its working really well for the most part. i don't want to kill myself and i don't have the urge to cut anymore. and talking to some1 about my problems and have them not judge me. all in all today was a good day. people got to see a side of me that i haven't shown in a while . . . me being happy and "perky" no wait i don't like that word it makes me seem like a dog. but you get the picture. i am afraid to show this side of me though, because if isho the real me then people might get close and i could get hurt. i know i shouldn't be thinking about that, but i kind of can't help but to beacause of the past. and i know i shouldn't look into the past at things and just look into the future, but fuck i don't want to get hurt i can't stress that enough to everyone and its just not a realtionship issue its a people issue in gernerl. ask any of my friends how distant i can get at times. and its like i don't try to push you people away, its just a habit. the one person i trusted the most cheated on me and broke my heart. and my dad i can't trust.. isn't a father the only guy a girl can trust? well if thats true then somethings gotta be wrong with me because i don't trust him one bit. but honestly people don't get me. im not this bitchy moody self centerd person. i am one of the sweetest people you will ever meet in your life. you just have to get to know me before you judge me. and if you find out that i cut don't make fun of me for it and don't think im a silly person. its something that i do becasue it makes me feel better, but im learning that there is other ways of dealing with pain like talking to somebody and writing everything down. i wrote soo many songs for josh's band in the past month(ya baby i better be getting credit for those things too.. haha) so i got help and by nex year i should be like i was last year. and hopefully everybody will get to see this good decsent side of me.