Brick-and-mortar trauma flashbacks
1. When they ask for the nonfiction section, what they mean is True Crime. Every single time. They will look confused when you tell them that the majority of the store is nonfiction and ask if there was something specific they are looking for. Sometimes they don't know the name for it and will tell you they want books on murders.
2. If a celebrity dies it is your fault you don't have every book written by or about the celebrity the day after he or she dies. When your distributor and the publisher run out and have to go into reprints it is because you, as a manager and as a person, suck.
3. Christmas 1995:
"I'm looking for a book by Henderson Davies."
"You mean Robertson Davies?"
"No, no...she said Henderson Davies."
"Canadian novelist who just died?"
"Yeah, that's him. Henderson Davies."
"It's Robertson Davies."
"Henderson. She wrote down Henderson."
"I can guarantee you 100 per cent that the author you are looking for is Robertson Davies."
"Well...she wrote down Henderson Davies and I don't want to get her the wrong thing. I'll have to double check." *walks away*
4. The crankiest, most demanding customers you will ever encounter are people who special order multiple copies of books on Christianity or meditation for the seminar they are going to lead.
5. Our larger stores had an information desk at the back. Computers to look stuff up...you know the drill. Big sign over them that said "INFORMATION." Guy walks toward the desk where I am standing while looking at the sign. He looks around for a minute, confused, then looks up again.
"Can I help you?"
"Uh...I thought this was where you had the books with information in them."
"..."
6. Also Christmas, 1995
"I'm looking for [whatever the fuck the children's book flavor of the month was that year; I think it was written by a dying kid or something]."
"Oh, right, that's actually not out yet. It's coming out next week."
"What are you talking about? It's out, I've seen it."
"I...I'm pretty sure the information we have is that it's out next week."
"Psh. Kathie Lee had one in her hand this morning!" *rolls eyes at me, walks out*
7. 1992-1993:
They walk in and stand in the middle of the front of the store, blinking and looking around. They look like they haven't been in a bookstore for ten years. They turn and see you at the desk and ask you if you have The Bridges of Madison County. Sort of. Usually they get the title wrong. My favorite was "Bridges Over Madison Square Garden." They scowl at you when you tell them it's not out in paperback.
8. 1993-1995:
We sold a lot of porn in the Westboro store. Some customers had special favorites, like the slightly developmentally disabled guy who came in one Saturday a month looking for Juggs and Leg Show. One time he followed me in the back room demanding I find them for him. Most of our customers were oddly unspecific, though. One week would be forty dollars worth of Swank, Shaved, Barely Legal, and Finally 18. The next would be forty dollars worth of Club, Over 40 and Fuckin' Fatties (for the life of me I don't remember the names of the chubby porn mags so we'll go with that for now). I was fascinated by that. No preference? These guys must must have been overjoyed once they got on the internet.
9. Scream at me all you want. The 5.00 merchandise credit has a six month expiration date printed right on it. It is 1997 and you just cleaned out a purse from 1993. You lose.
10. LOL at you for insisting on the first edition of a Stephen King published after 1982 or an Anne Rice published after 1992. The first printing was 750,000 copies. It is not, nor will it ever be, valuable. See that remainder table over there? Those 4.99 copies of Stephen King's last book are in fact first edition. Here, I'll show you.
11. The big thing that looks like a price, but has a funny squiggle next to it? On the import magazines? That is a British pound symbol. That magazine would cost you 4.99BP if you were buying it in England. Here in New England you have to pay the price under that: the 7.99 with the good ol' red-blooded American $ next to it. And no, it's not my fault.
12. Thanks! Have a great day. *smileyface*
2. If a celebrity dies it is your fault you don't have every book written by or about the celebrity the day after he or she dies. When your distributor and the publisher run out and have to go into reprints it is because you, as a manager and as a person, suck.
3. Christmas 1995:
"I'm looking for a book by Henderson Davies."
"You mean Robertson Davies?"
"No, no...she said Henderson Davies."
"Canadian novelist who just died?"
"Yeah, that's him. Henderson Davies."
"It's Robertson Davies."
"Henderson. She wrote down Henderson."
"I can guarantee you 100 per cent that the author you are looking for is Robertson Davies."
"Well...she wrote down Henderson Davies and I don't want to get her the wrong thing. I'll have to double check." *walks away*
4. The crankiest, most demanding customers you will ever encounter are people who special order multiple copies of books on Christianity or meditation for the seminar they are going to lead.
5. Our larger stores had an information desk at the back. Computers to look stuff up...you know the drill. Big sign over them that said "INFORMATION." Guy walks toward the desk where I am standing while looking at the sign. He looks around for a minute, confused, then looks up again.
"Can I help you?"
"Uh...I thought this was where you had the books with information in them."
"..."
6. Also Christmas, 1995
"I'm looking for [whatever the fuck the children's book flavor of the month was that year; I think it was written by a dying kid or something]."
"Oh, right, that's actually not out yet. It's coming out next week."
"What are you talking about? It's out, I've seen it."
"I...I'm pretty sure the information we have is that it's out next week."
"Psh. Kathie Lee had one in her hand this morning!" *rolls eyes at me, walks out*
7. 1992-1993:
They walk in and stand in the middle of the front of the store, blinking and looking around. They look like they haven't been in a bookstore for ten years. They turn and see you at the desk and ask you if you have The Bridges of Madison County. Sort of. Usually they get the title wrong. My favorite was "Bridges Over Madison Square Garden." They scowl at you when you tell them it's not out in paperback.
8. 1993-1995:
We sold a lot of porn in the Westboro store. Some customers had special favorites, like the slightly developmentally disabled guy who came in one Saturday a month looking for Juggs and Leg Show. One time he followed me in the back room demanding I find them for him. Most of our customers were oddly unspecific, though. One week would be forty dollars worth of Swank, Shaved, Barely Legal, and Finally 18. The next would be forty dollars worth of Club, Over 40 and Fuckin' Fatties (for the life of me I don't remember the names of the chubby porn mags so we'll go with that for now). I was fascinated by that. No preference? These guys must must have been overjoyed once they got on the internet.
9. Scream at me all you want. The 5.00 merchandise credit has a six month expiration date printed right on it. It is 1997 and you just cleaned out a purse from 1993. You lose.
10. LOL at you for insisting on the first edition of a Stephen King published after 1982 or an Anne Rice published after 1992. The first printing was 750,000 copies. It is not, nor will it ever be, valuable. See that remainder table over there? Those 4.99 copies of Stephen King's last book are in fact first edition. Here, I'll show you.
11. The big thing that looks like a price, but has a funny squiggle next to it? On the import magazines? That is a British pound symbol. That magazine would cost you 4.99BP if you were buying it in England. Here in New England you have to pay the price under that: the 7.99 with the good ol' red-blooded American $ next to it. And no, it's not my fault.
12. Thanks! Have a great day. *smileyface*