I'm too hot to be put on the backburner.
“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.”― Bob Marley
So, although I rarely turn to this journal anymore it seemed the perfect place to write and collect all of my pent up thoughts, needs, and concerns towards a revisited love; falling for him has been a reoccurring habit of mine. I gave a hint to look here for some insight on my current thoughts. So if you're here reading this, that's already a good sign that you're curious at the very least, but it'll take more than general, fleeting curiosity and lukewarm feelings to give me what I need. I am confident enough in myself to know, no matter which answer you give me, the outcome will eventually be good for me. I've become aware that continuing to wait, without consideration, let alone the reciprocal adoration I crave is the only bad choice I could make. So I've made the clear, unavoidable decision to hold out for nothing less than what I deserve. After almost 10 years, I know without a doubt that it is no coincidence or fluke we keep coming back to each other, but I can't give up my own needs, wants and time for someone who won't meet me halfway; not even you. Because, I realized while you are the one I want to be with without a doubt, if you don't know the same for me in return, than I need to reevaluate my feelings; a dream guy who isn't sure if he want to be with me isn't really my dream guy at all. I will not spend another minute trying to convince someone I am worth the effort, lovable and deserving of their whole heart and self. I will not waste my time trying to convince anyone to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know that they are lucky every second we're together. I'm not the little, insecure girl who will quietly deny all my own needs, and pretend to be "just happy" in giving in to another person's list of demands, in order to keep them near. I know now that if I have to give up everything I want, without compromise, just because I'm scared the slightest hesitation or request for anything I want, will just send him running, that isn't fulfilling or what I want for me. If someone cares so little about my happiness, about meeting me halfway, then they don't love me. So, any time spent nervously trying to be the silent, giving girl with no needs of her own is just a waste, because I will be miserable, giving my whole self and more, with nothing but the other person's physical presence (which I will be made to feel lucky to even be graced with) and in time, no matter the effort put forth on my side, he will eventually leave anyway. Because, if it took all that convincing and he was never willing to give or work, he obviously never wanted to be there in the first place, So, with a few years of wisdom since the last time we were in this position, I know that the short, quick pain of forcing myself to get over you and move on is endlessly better than the previously mentioned scenario, if things were heading that way.
I love you, and I can confidently say that I would be good to you and great for you. But, that is the only solicitation for not me, but US, that you will receive from me. I know I'm too good to be on anyone's backburner. And, while you may be thinking that if I loved you as much as I say I do, why wouldn't I be willing to wait for something so good? Well, if you'll think back to the last year, the first time I saw you in years, that night in San Francisco, I decided I would do just that. I knew you had a bad relationship to recover from, and needed time and space to get yourself and your shit together. And, I knew that the more time I gave you the better it would be when you were ready. So, no matter how bad it hurt to have all those feelings resurface and then have no connection or communication with you for A YEAR, I thought we were still, in our ways, progressing in the direction of being together at some end point. And eventually all that time, the uncertainty, the loneliness, it would all be worth it. Except when I finally did talk to you, a year of waiting and dreaming later, you tell me that while you have decided you do love me and know I'm good for you; that the whole time I was waiting without looking, touching, or thinking about anyone else, you had been in a somewhat serious, emotional relationship with some other new, undeserving girl. ouch. And, even worse, she had some ability to get you completely emotionally involved and then just hurt you. And even with this painful knowledge, I was willing to overlook it, because you seemed to finally be on the same page with me. You made me feel like I was safe to fall for you completely again, because you were right there with me. And, even if we moved at a snail's speed, it was equally paced, and side by side.
Then, during my trip to see you, which was fantastic and for the most part, filled with blissful moments of being around each other again; there were certain moments that caused a confusing cloud to be cast over the feeling I had as I left; which was more confused than when I arrived. You made a few comments which were intentionally clear and direct, all with the basic theme that you don't want a relationship for a long time, if ever. It was obvious you wanted me to really hear those statements; you made a point of it. And all I could do was sit quietly in my own confusion. Why on earth then, did you reignite these feelings in me? Why did you make an effort to call SEVERAL times specifically to say that you were done with other stupid girls, and you hoped to be the right one for me? Why even have me come visit you? And sometimes, you say things that are the complete opposite of all that... but I am too cautious not to take the hurtful ones more seriously. If you don't want us to be together (and I'm reasonable and have my head in reality enough to understand that some time is still necessary before things could get more on a serious level) but if you don't want anything at all... let me go. I would have waited forever and a day for you, honestly, but after the last year of thinking I was waiting for you to be in the right head space, and find out you were completely involved with someone else, who had everything I've always wanted, you(all of you)... and she didn't even have to try or put in any time or hurt, that is fucking bullshit. I'm sorry.. it is. You weren't ready for anything at all... she shows up and without a second of hesitation, she has you completely. What was so special about her that made you say screw the challenges and obstacles, whatever it takes to be with her? I either must just have the worst timing with you or, and more likely, these drama-loving, idiot girls cause you to feel infatuated and willing to do whatever because they don't give you it all in return. We all want what we can't have. Well, I'm too old for games... we both are, really. So, if you want to love me the way you KNOW I deserve, which doesn't mean giving up everything you want... or getting me to silence what I need, you had better let me know. There is no timer that will go off and destroy my feelings for you, but there is also no guarantee that if you don't make me aware that I'm safe in trusting you with my heart and my future, that someone else won't take that opportunity. It's not a threat, it's just a fact. I know I'm a good catch, and someone else will see it, or someone that already has may get the sign that I'm finally ready to let go of my hopes in ending up with you and you only, and jump at the chance to love me and be loved in return. I want it to be you, just like you said on the phone a few months ago, you hoped you were lucky enough to be the guy meant for me... and I said, me too, that's all I've ever wanted. I hope you are not so stubborn, that you will be smart enough to know when you could loose something you'll never get back and never match in someone new. But, if you don't think I'm worthy of a little effort and that you wouldn't do whatever it takes to end up happy together, at least be fair and just be honest enough to let me go and tell me I'm not safe loving you, because you are sure that it will not ever be fully returned in feeling or action.
I must admit, I'm sad to write this; because this isn't a bunch of empty threats just for attention and hope to just scare you, I have equally prepared myself to hear the answer I don't want and have to walk away for good. I have to be willing to let you go, to love myself more if you don't love me enough to keep me with you. Unlike last time, I won't have any regrets, if I'm put in the position to move on without you, because this time I made my needs clear and am giving you a chance to make it right, if it's meant to be. If you try and imagine your future and it is painful and/or impossible to do so without me in it... it's your turn to make it happen. The last time you thought you "made it clear" with uncommitted, empty words that were meant to keep me near but not enough to be secure. After 8 months of opportunity, it wasn't until you saw me smiling at someone else that you realized I was worth more than just hints... don't let this chance get lost in hesitations if you know losing me for good and regretting it... again, is not something you want to happen.
So, although I rarely turn to this journal anymore it seemed the perfect place to write and collect all of my pent up thoughts, needs, and concerns towards a revisited love; falling for him has been a reoccurring habit of mine. I gave a hint to look here for some insight on my current thoughts. So if you're here reading this, that's already a good sign that you're curious at the very least, but it'll take more than general, fleeting curiosity and lukewarm feelings to give me what I need. I am confident enough in myself to know, no matter which answer you give me, the outcome will eventually be good for me. I've become aware that continuing to wait, without consideration, let alone the reciprocal adoration I crave is the only bad choice I could make. So I've made the clear, unavoidable decision to hold out for nothing less than what I deserve. After almost 10 years, I know without a doubt that it is no coincidence or fluke we keep coming back to each other, but I can't give up my own needs, wants and time for someone who won't meet me halfway; not even you. Because, I realized while you are the one I want to be with without a doubt, if you don't know the same for me in return, than I need to reevaluate my feelings; a dream guy who isn't sure if he want to be with me isn't really my dream guy at all. I will not spend another minute trying to convince someone I am worth the effort, lovable and deserving of their whole heart and self. I will not waste my time trying to convince anyone to be with me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't know that they are lucky every second we're together. I'm not the little, insecure girl who will quietly deny all my own needs, and pretend to be "just happy" in giving in to another person's list of demands, in order to keep them near. I know now that if I have to give up everything I want, without compromise, just because I'm scared the slightest hesitation or request for anything I want, will just send him running, that isn't fulfilling or what I want for me. If someone cares so little about my happiness, about meeting me halfway, then they don't love me. So, any time spent nervously trying to be the silent, giving girl with no needs of her own is just a waste, because I will be miserable, giving my whole self and more, with nothing but the other person's physical presence (which I will be made to feel lucky to even be graced with) and in time, no matter the effort put forth on my side, he will eventually leave anyway. Because, if it took all that convincing and he was never willing to give or work, he obviously never wanted to be there in the first place, So, with a few years of wisdom since the last time we were in this position, I know that the short, quick pain of forcing myself to get over you and move on is endlessly better than the previously mentioned scenario, if things were heading that way.
I love you, and I can confidently say that I would be good to you and great for you. But, that is the only solicitation for not me, but US, that you will receive from me. I know I'm too good to be on anyone's backburner. And, while you may be thinking that if I loved you as much as I say I do, why wouldn't I be willing to wait for something so good? Well, if you'll think back to the last year, the first time I saw you in years, that night in San Francisco, I decided I would do just that. I knew you had a bad relationship to recover from, and needed time and space to get yourself and your shit together. And, I knew that the more time I gave you the better it would be when you were ready. So, no matter how bad it hurt to have all those feelings resurface and then have no connection or communication with you for A YEAR, I thought we were still, in our ways, progressing in the direction of being together at some end point. And eventually all that time, the uncertainty, the loneliness, it would all be worth it. Except when I finally did talk to you, a year of waiting and dreaming later, you tell me that while you have decided you do love me and know I'm good for you; that the whole time I was waiting without looking, touching, or thinking about anyone else, you had been in a somewhat serious, emotional relationship with some other new, undeserving girl. ouch. And, even worse, she had some ability to get you completely emotionally involved and then just hurt you. And even with this painful knowledge, I was willing to overlook it, because you seemed to finally be on the same page with me. You made me feel like I was safe to fall for you completely again, because you were right there with me. And, even if we moved at a snail's speed, it was equally paced, and side by side.
Then, during my trip to see you, which was fantastic and for the most part, filled with blissful moments of being around each other again; there were certain moments that caused a confusing cloud to be cast over the feeling I had as I left; which was more confused than when I arrived. You made a few comments which were intentionally clear and direct, all with the basic theme that you don't want a relationship for a long time, if ever. It was obvious you wanted me to really hear those statements; you made a point of it. And all I could do was sit quietly in my own confusion. Why on earth then, did you reignite these feelings in me? Why did you make an effort to call SEVERAL times specifically to say that you were done with other stupid girls, and you hoped to be the right one for me? Why even have me come visit you? And sometimes, you say things that are the complete opposite of all that... but I am too cautious not to take the hurtful ones more seriously. If you don't want us to be together (and I'm reasonable and have my head in reality enough to understand that some time is still necessary before things could get more on a serious level) but if you don't want anything at all... let me go. I would have waited forever and a day for you, honestly, but after the last year of thinking I was waiting for you to be in the right head space, and find out you were completely involved with someone else, who had everything I've always wanted, you(all of you)... and she didn't even have to try or put in any time or hurt, that is fucking bullshit. I'm sorry.. it is. You weren't ready for anything at all... she shows up and without a second of hesitation, she has you completely. What was so special about her that made you say screw the challenges and obstacles, whatever it takes to be with her? I either must just have the worst timing with you or, and more likely, these drama-loving, idiot girls cause you to feel infatuated and willing to do whatever because they don't give you it all in return. We all want what we can't have. Well, I'm too old for games... we both are, really. So, if you want to love me the way you KNOW I deserve, which doesn't mean giving up everything you want... or getting me to silence what I need, you had better let me know. There is no timer that will go off and destroy my feelings for you, but there is also no guarantee that if you don't make me aware that I'm safe in trusting you with my heart and my future, that someone else won't take that opportunity. It's not a threat, it's just a fact. I know I'm a good catch, and someone else will see it, or someone that already has may get the sign that I'm finally ready to let go of my hopes in ending up with you and you only, and jump at the chance to love me and be loved in return. I want it to be you, just like you said on the phone a few months ago, you hoped you were lucky enough to be the guy meant for me... and I said, me too, that's all I've ever wanted. I hope you are not so stubborn, that you will be smart enough to know when you could loose something you'll never get back and never match in someone new. But, if you don't think I'm worthy of a little effort and that you wouldn't do whatever it takes to end up happy together, at least be fair and just be honest enough to let me go and tell me I'm not safe loving you, because you are sure that it will not ever be fully returned in feeling or action.
I must admit, I'm sad to write this; because this isn't a bunch of empty threats just for attention and hope to just scare you, I have equally prepared myself to hear the answer I don't want and have to walk away for good. I have to be willing to let you go, to love myself more if you don't love me enough to keep me with you. Unlike last time, I won't have any regrets, if I'm put in the position to move on without you, because this time I made my needs clear and am giving you a chance to make it right, if it's meant to be. If you try and imagine your future and it is painful and/or impossible to do so without me in it... it's your turn to make it happen. The last time you thought you "made it clear" with uncommitted, empty words that were meant to keep me near but not enough to be secure. After 8 months of opportunity, it wasn't until you saw me smiling at someone else that you realized I was worth more than just hints... don't let this chance get lost in hesitations if you know losing me for good and regretting it... again, is not something you want to happen.