Bruised like a cherry; ripe as a peach.
so, it has been awhile, a LONG while. and i'd like to say that i haven't been writing because life has been dandy and there has been nothing exciting to write about in here. unfortunately its quite the opposite. i have been putting off writing because there is so much to say. like how my stepdad is no longer in my life. the man who i loved for 6 years and so easily allowed into my life totally fucked up and i cant even blame him completely. i don't hate him, i'm not even sure i'm directly angry with him. he is diagnosed bi-polar and has been addicted to different coping substances throughout his life. now alcohol, but the drinks make his temper(bi-polar mania) even more severe.
a couple of months ago he took a gun and held it to my mothers head, claiming he would "blow her fucking brains out." Then my younger 15 year old sister walked in on this. he then ran out with the gun promising to take his own life instead in his manic episode. he went outside, laid down with the gun under his chin as he "came to"; the same time the police arrived to pin him down and arrest him.
he is currently in jail. but is due out soon. my mother has a restraining order on him and has recently moved out of state to be sure when he is released he can have no physical contact with her or my sister. this should all make me feel like everything is taken care of, and in place.
however, this has affected me in ways i couldn't even have begun to imagine. my PTSD was triggered and i suffered through countless panic attacks over the last few months. i have, although, come to terms with the situation. that i don't hate him(my stepdad) i just feel sorry for him and know he is very sick and needs A LOT of help.
i don't know why it took me so long to write about this. but i do know i've been avoiding my journal because of this recent disaster. i wanted to believe i had everything under control. i was doing so well in school and life in general, i didn't want any more fuck ups. and i was presented with an extreme distraction anyway, perhaps to test my ability to cope with all that is going on; good and terrible.
i cant control every part of my life and i need to come to terms with that. i also can not save my sister from every bad experience, regardless of whether i've faced them or not. i just need to realize life will always give me challenges to face, and i only get stronger and smarter by overcoming them. i just hope to god this last test doesn't do me in. i'm trying so hard to keep my panic in control, to only get anxious when it is really necessary. but there are some things like my stepdad losing his mind and almost killing my family that are no easier anticipated than controlled. and these are things in life that are truly difficult, the real tests of my character and strength. i only hope to get through it with the same determination i had shown with the other shitty situations and abuse in my past.
i'm not here to complain about what obstacles have been thrown at me... only to hope i can be strong enough to get past this and the next thing that is coming. please offer advice or anything you'd like to say. its greatly appreciated as i share the most intimate parts of my life here.
sorry i've been so distant from this journal, i need it, and the therapy it brings to release my thoughts, i was too scared and just not ready to share about this extreme incident, but i need to. i have to share or i'll bottle it up and keep it forever.
so here i am. exposed. imperfect. vulnerable and waiting for a shoulder to lean on. take my honest imperfection for what it's worth... everything.
a couple of months ago he took a gun and held it to my mothers head, claiming he would "blow her fucking brains out." Then my younger 15 year old sister walked in on this. he then ran out with the gun promising to take his own life instead in his manic episode. he went outside, laid down with the gun under his chin as he "came to"; the same time the police arrived to pin him down and arrest him.
he is currently in jail. but is due out soon. my mother has a restraining order on him and has recently moved out of state to be sure when he is released he can have no physical contact with her or my sister. this should all make me feel like everything is taken care of, and in place.
however, this has affected me in ways i couldn't even have begun to imagine. my PTSD was triggered and i suffered through countless panic attacks over the last few months. i have, although, come to terms with the situation. that i don't hate him(my stepdad) i just feel sorry for him and know he is very sick and needs A LOT of help.
i don't know why it took me so long to write about this. but i do know i've been avoiding my journal because of this recent disaster. i wanted to believe i had everything under control. i was doing so well in school and life in general, i didn't want any more fuck ups. and i was presented with an extreme distraction anyway, perhaps to test my ability to cope with all that is going on; good and terrible.
i cant control every part of my life and i need to come to terms with that. i also can not save my sister from every bad experience, regardless of whether i've faced them or not. i just need to realize life will always give me challenges to face, and i only get stronger and smarter by overcoming them. i just hope to god this last test doesn't do me in. i'm trying so hard to keep my panic in control, to only get anxious when it is really necessary. but there are some things like my stepdad losing his mind and almost killing my family that are no easier anticipated than controlled. and these are things in life that are truly difficult, the real tests of my character and strength. i only hope to get through it with the same determination i had shown with the other shitty situations and abuse in my past.
i'm not here to complain about what obstacles have been thrown at me... only to hope i can be strong enough to get past this and the next thing that is coming. please offer advice or anything you'd like to say. its greatly appreciated as i share the most intimate parts of my life here.
sorry i've been so distant from this journal, i need it, and the therapy it brings to release my thoughts, i was too scared and just not ready to share about this extreme incident, but i need to. i have to share or i'll bottle it up and keep it forever.
so here i am. exposed. imperfect. vulnerable and waiting for a shoulder to lean on. take my honest imperfection for what it's worth... everything.