these little black sandals are walkin me away. these little black sandals saved my life today.

Apr 09, 2008 15:29


 before writing this i was struggling with how honest and blunt i should be in this entry. but really whats the point of trying to get it out if i bleep out certain words, omit important scenes, blur faces for thier(or my) protection. no one likes watching good movies on cable tv, they ruin the best parts. so, no sensors here? we'll see.

i took a short trip. i visited SB. which was so great in a lot of ways. i missed those girls terribly. its funny how much i really adore a couple of them. not that they arent all great in thier own ways.. but thier are a special few who just being around them feels like home.  it felt good just to wake up to thier sweet, eager faces.. even if it was before noon and trying to convince me to get out of bed and go on a hike. psh. we comprimised with a day trip to Solvang. which turned into us eating brunch, hitting up the local wineries, and then drunkenly sightseeing and shopping around my favorite Scandinavian themed town.  that day was great. good for the soul kind of day.  there is nothing better than dancing with strangers at look out point over the Santa Barbara mountain area. hard to explain.. but epic. and so was erin and joshs jungle mountain home party. i would like to camp there.. or something. outdoor shower and bath + a trampoline. you cant go wrong.

"Sometimes I'm tempted
Sometimes I am
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man
He was the line between pleasure and pain
But me and the feet have some years to reclaim"

but then the harder part of the trip was seeing where some people are now. a place i was not too long ago, not long enough that i can still feel it in my back, i still cringe at the smell. i cant tell anyone what to do, it would be silly if i did. and i definatly dont judge, especially because ive seen and gone through the best and worst(whats to come) i dont want to push them away. so i didnt say a thing. i just wish i could warn them... but i know they wouldnt hear it. i didnt. and the part that does piss me off a bit is that one person even voiced a fear of doing it around me.. incase i couldnt handle it. let me tell you, you have no fucking clue. im stronger now because of all of my mistakes, i dont regret a thing. but its like they keep focusing on others, as to never have to look at themselves. i was fucked up, and ill be the first one to admit it. now that i hit the bottom and HAD to pick myself up, i can see how far id fallen. not many people can do that on thier own, not sound pretentious, but its hard to admit on your own that you dont have it together, and that you need serious help. and i did that. it sucked. i cried when i had to say it outloud for the first time to someone.. but i got trough the embarrassment, the pain, the temptations, the minor relapses, but im finally to a point where im only going forward from here. im done with that. and i wish they would know all that before they even opened their mouths to question my knowledge and strength in the situation. you dont know a thing.. yet.

i had another thing to mention.. but ill save it. this is enough for now. 
there it is. ive opened myself up to show my inside, my underneath. its not something im proud of. but i think its healthy and necessary for me to get it out so that i can really move on. 
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